I'm not a poet.
I don't care if this **** rhymes.
Or if when I deliver it
I keep in time.

If this was a rap battle.
Bet I'd get destroyed.
They'd walk rhymes around me.
Fill fat purses with on the fly verses.
Drop that **** on me.
Thinking they're so ******* cool.

But for all the jumpin around
I see all these people doing on stage,
For all the time they're up,
Standing stooped like a dragons
In fits of rage.
They aren't standing for ****.

You can shout louder.
And talk faster all you want.
But this isn't the O'Reilly Factor.
Those rhymes,
Come from a dictionary.
Arbitrary and praying for cash.

That game's from the streets.
And those mother ******* streets are cold.
Put up the fire.
I don't need you in here with
That ice in your chest.
And flaming head.
Licking and spitting them.
Feet stepping in them.
Stomping around like a kangaroo,
Reading the map all upside down.

You're seeing the world all wrong.
"**** ******* get money?"
******* go home.
Give that **** to a shelter.
Because a lot of people don't have one.

Like all the other stories I want to tell you,
I don't know how to start it.
The hook is that I'm this tall, strong, clean cut, put together looking
Adult.
Last night I screamed and cried.
For the first time in a long ******* time.

I'll start from the day after I guess.
So I was watching this really sad animated movie.
And it.
Somewhere in the weird haze of time after I started it.
It's like my mind fell out the back of my head.
I was sort of sick.
Like how your stomach lurches,
When you skip a stair.
Falling?
H
O
W
L
O
N
G
? I shouldn't be happening like t
                                                         h
                                                            i
 ­                                                             s?
T­hen I hit.
And I was just really lonely.
On the pavement next to that seventy story building.
Rolling around on that **** stained carpet.
With my mind flopping around.
Bleeding thoughts that were getting soaked up and lost.

Then my ******* kept feeling like it wasn't getting enough blood.
Which is ridiculous.
It's a finger.
There's nothing on my wrist or anything.
Like stop you itchy tingling ******* thing.
And all the despair was so ridiculous.
I went and stood in front of a mirror.
And tried to talk myself into feeling
Better.
But the words took so long to bounce back.
Where they'd have any meaning.
They felt so weak.
Like they didn't matter.
Like they were getting whipped up in the wind.

When I started screaming.
And crying.
And begging for God.
And to just die.

But not in New Jersey.
" Just want to ******* die but I ******* can't because then I'll never leave New Jersey.
...
I can't die in New Jersey."
Then I tried to calm myself down.
Talking like there was a mirror there.
"Get a hold of yourself."
Came out.
But the words were weak.
So I cried. Because I was weak.
And screamed. Because I wanted to feel strong again.
And lost myself.
In all this noise that wasn't mine.

Tonight. The movie paused on some stupid scene.
The silence.
Buzzing in the air and lights of passing cars.
I lost myself like I had in the screams.

I oughtta just die.
I oughtta just die.
I oughtta just die.
I oughtta just die.
I oughtta just die.
                 Just kept coming up.
I can't shake it.
Can't even write it away.
God, I was close for a minute.
To just doing it.
**** it.
Just get out of this.
I kept thinking.
While I was staring blankly in the mirror.
...
"I can't die in New Jersey."
And I went to bed.

I wanted to wait until I could hold you.
But now I want you to tell me.
Show me the scars.
And tell me about the cracks.
Tell me how you're broken.
You already know mine.
You're already my other half.
Let me be yours.

Show me the gaps I can fill in.
Lay me over what you want covered.
The jagged space between us.
Where you fill a valley,
And I hide a ridge.
It'll be ours.
Our own private park.

For feeling this much from this far.
For not knowing if I'm meeting in the middle.
Or already jumped off the deep end.

Maybe it could have been anybody.
Maybe I just needed somebody to remind myself,
I could feel anything at all.
But maybe,
If it had been anyone else.
I never would have remembered.

Maybe hers was the only one that could,
Drag me out.

Maybe it is something of fate's
Maybe I don't need a reason.

I don't need a reason.
How do you know if you're in a love story?
Wait.

You think the first person to see a tiger,
Stopped and thought about how beautiful it was.
I bet they ran.

The next time I hold her I might have a heart attack.
If I live.
Or as I convulse dying.
I'll know how beautiful she is.

What I'm doing here.
It's weird.
It's gotta land heavy. Sharp.
All of it getting thrown at you at once.
But you're so strong.
I can feel it.
I feel like I've gone so long knowing I can really care about someone and just not doing it!
So I'm gonna do it.
If it ******* kills me.
If I never do it again.
I'm jumping in.

This is the part at the ledge.
Where I grind my teeth and teeter.
Bend my knees and straighten them.

Put my cards in my hand.
Squeeze them.
*** them up because there isn't another round.
Throw them all in.
Throw myself in.

It's not about winning
It's about hoping I win.
It's living or dying and feeling alive either way.

So I'm making roots.

I'm giving you everything.
So if I start to worry,
Lose my resolve.
Think about an easy way out.
Cheat my way out.
Go cold.
Sink in again.
Try to run away.
Pretend you're not important.

I'll have to tear them out.

I don't care what happens.
It's not on you.
It's on me.
For the first time I can remember.
I'm growing.

**** that.
**** running off all those amazing people that want to know us but just can't crack the code we're too ******* selfish to give the key to.
And **** "sharing," our art expecting people to figure it out.
"Here let me crack these prescription glasses, smear a little vaseline on them....
Okay. Now tell me what you see.
**** that's all wrong. Why can't you figure it out!
I just need some space right now."
Acting like we're saints.
Off to the monastery.
To figure out God.
All this self exploration and we can't draw a map?

I can't.
I know I shouldn't demand people do things I can't.
Who the hell am I to give orders like that.
But I want so desperately to be able to.
I want you to want it as desperately as I do.