**** it.
I'm trying not to lie.
But sometimes wishes slip out as facts.
"(I wish) This got published."
Silent.
Crickets.
Blank air.
Right here.
Look up.
Nothing there.
Drawing
Breath.
Hiding.

I'm talking to genies all day and it's getting distorted.

Loosing something that has no interest in you.
Freeing yourself and finding that you have nowhere to go.

You fall on your ***.

I got to imagining things like I used to in high school.
I thought, maybe I was an alien hidden here.
I imagined them charging in there. Tearing at my collar for a mark.
Some irrefutable proof that I was theirs.
I imagined it happening in front of all those people.
Having my people stand me in front of them and claim me.
Five hours later I clocked out.

It was easier at Cornell. The day dream was constant.
It was wrong.
It was a mirage in a dry, sleepless desert I had lost myself in.
But, it was nice. Living in the daydream.
For a moment.
A single godly heartbeat lost in the enormity of time.
Flying away into that void,
Before I could catch the flap of its wings.

It was insignificant.
It was a dream.
But,
God what a dream.

How do you write a love story?
You go backwards.
How do you know if you're in one?
You wait.

Rolling around between extremes.
Convincing myself I'm a sensible guy.
I can wait it out. Hold on loosely, like that 80's song said.
I doesn't bother me. The waiting.
But if there's something better. That bothers me.
I'll go down a checklist.
Obviously it's perfect. Or will be I guess.
But I did that with college. This major, this job.
Well it doesn't work like that. For me.
I've gotta be wild. Maybe, if I "stop chasing the wrong things...
the right things have a chance to catch up" - Lolly Daskal
If I start paying attention to those inspirational quote pictures.
Listening for what I want instead of what I have.
I might be brave enough to chase it. A sky that doesn't end.
Chase it until die happy from running,
Instead of angry I didn't catch anything.

A fish can't see himself in a school.
Throw him out.
Yank his mouth and with terrible pain
Bring him up.
Out of water. Gasping. Stuck. Flopping.
And looking for meaning.
He can finally see himself reflected in the water.
He can finally see himself.