I spent 15 years not wanting to know
I spent 15 years saying He should be dead
But it was all anger for leaving me, and My sister

Now I am left with a question

Are you my Father?

If I do meet you I am not friend but Foe
And I would like to kick you until you bled
But I won't Sir, poor excuse of a man, mister

Now I am left with a question

Are you my Father?

And my life altered
continues to surprise me
is this being dead?

And it has been coming down rain
in a drizzling sense for the past two days.
How am I to be in the old sense of the word gay?

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me
I think I finally know what it means

At first I was one of the cases that proved this little saying wrong
For the words and phrases others threw were strong
Slamming my head on the wall against my will
Pinching my skin leaving marks all over

But then I realized take there words and find the true meaning
Find that and their words are less demeaning
They no longer have the power to make you feel
So small that you feel like an ant with the that glass above you
as they try to burn you



Take the words they throw at you and toss back the meanings
Toss them with such force that they recognize what their words means
then walk away and smile
and chant

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me

It's funny how I try to move on
Try to take leaps but no matter how high Iget
I always fall back to you

I wait and wait for you wondering if you will ever come'
But this waiting is slowly becoming to much
My head tires as it plays images of us together
holding hands and laughing together
I still wait for you wondering if i should keep on waiting
Should i give up? SHould I throw in the towel and walk away?

No i shouldn't but yet i cant help feeling like you will never come.
Like you will never be able to search in your heart to love me
I close my eyes and see your face
Those eyes hypnotized me
and when we touched accidentally i could feel your soft skin
that sent a jolt throughout my body making my heart
beat like a drum a drum that beats for you

seconds turn to minutes, minutes to hours and you still are not here at my side
This world is cruel and human feelings are cruel too
making us want something that cannot be taken for one's own
But you are not cruel, can never be cruel even if you never can bring yourself to love me

I love you with all my being, every fiber of it
Though i can't have you my love for you is like outer space
cause it is endless always going
I love you and wont be able to find myself another to love

Tonight
I
Mimic
Everyone

Tonight
I
Message
Everyone

Tonight
I
M­ock
Everyone

Tonight
I
Miss
Everyone

Take your love back.
Shove it in your heart
before I rip it to shreds,
Scatter the pieces over your head,
Stab it with a dagger so it lies there dead
Cause I rather feel nothing
Then feel this hurt,
Hear the hollowness in my heart instead.

*******

Life?
I don't know how to go on?
let me refer to the instructions.
Oh wait there isn't any.

I am no longer just a bird who is forced to stay in the nest
I am no longer pink and bare
I have grown all my feathers and my wings have developed
I want to fly

Every step you are to take
Will becoming a new crack forming on my heart.

I didn't sleep well last night
With the summer heat making my clothes grab and choke me.
With thoughts piling in my head overflowing onto the pillow.
With me talking to the room in whispers thinking of you.
and then I was able to fall asleep.
A deep sleep.
A nice sleep.

I saw you in the class seating there working away on the work that was handed to you by the teacher.
It was a sight that made me laugh for you never worked as hard as you did in my dream.
I had to leave and I got up with a groan wanting to fill the air.
I walked to the door and when I turn you were staring at me.
and I you.
You smiled
I smiled.
I had to close the door.
But The last thing that i saw was your smile.

And then I found solace as I held you in my hands.
Your ruff edged pages in between my fingers
provided the security that I could never find in reality.
And as I turned your pages, an aroma of memories
came into my mind.
You, book, make me feel alright.

If I were to take on step forward and fall
I wonder, in those seconds in which I descend
Would I feel the freedom I have never known?

If I were to embrace the asphalt with my broken self
I wonder, in those seconds in which I consciously kiss the road
Would I feel the love I have never known?




Falling

          Falling,

                        Falling­

                        Embracing

                         ­    Embracing

                                   Embracing

                          Kissing

Kissing

 ­    Kissing



                                           Freed and Loved

This heart is wanting
But it can't have what it wants
It tries to move on

It beckons for love
It calls to be loved by him
Him and Only him

This heart knows it can't
It tries to forget but can't
Wants him only him

Time and Time again
This heart begs for him to be
In his arms always

But it knows it can't
This heart knows if it was to
Be then it would be

A thousand sun's wavered in the wind
hanging on the tips of a tree's arm.

I have Been
     UP
           ALL
Night

Just thinking of you
Just dreaming of you

Up
    All

    N
       i
        g
           h
              t

Just wanting you next

To
Me

With thinking outside the box,
         it grew envious of the confined space.

For two days tears were shed
For things that could have been
For things that were in my head.
For two days I felt the emptiness
As it slipped away, my happiness
Always feeling loneliness

For two days water stained in red
Fell onto the floor and onto the bed
Not in my body like it should instead
For two days I was blanketed by sadness
As I grew weary from the madness
That caused a bit of bitterness

For Two days I cried
For Two days I asked why
For Two days things still don't seem like they should
No light in the tunnel nor at the end
For Two days all feels lost.

Lost in the night's arms
Only the chill of the winter
        reminds me
Vividly of memories
         Nicking at my heart
Eventually it will stop
           Right?

I have waited for a long time
With my Heart hanging by a thread.
Barely hanging on I could feel the cool air chilling my heart freezing the blood.

But now you pulled my heart in and covered it with your arms keeping it warm
I no longer have to wait
No longer feel cold
Not with you at my side

Flakes knock lightly on the windowpane
I direct my attention outside.
Ashes taint the ground with bitter gray
As I watch the flames inherit the earth.


I spotted a man, water in pail
He extinguished another held tightly by flames
The now free man cringes and yells
“It is my right to be held by flames”
With that he ran into the woods
The tops painted with carmine.

The world is burning, it’s losing its leaves
All because we are all right, we are all wrong.

You what I need
Chocolate in the Morning

It Makes me smile
It makes me laugh
I feel like I am high
without the drugs

I need chocolate in the morning
That brown smooth stuff
That melts in my mouth
I get the "I am in heaven" moment
Once it's in my mouth

I need chocolate every morning
and you know let's have it every night
Too

Yes I am jealous.
The fire seeps out my eyes and into your Lover.
I dont hate her.
Just hate that she is with you.
Funny that i am in this perdiceriment again.
Cupid is running a cruel game.
The Irony.
yes i am jealous.
I like you.

You know growing at one point in life we loved our childhood but now my life is even better now that i have you.
you make it so much better girl i just wanna make you happy
and now im free, free falling yeah free fallin you have me feeling like im on cloud 9
let be there for you girl cause i wanna be your forever

my life changed dramaticly when you told me we were through it made me feel like i didnt even wanna live anymore so i told myself i gotta change
so i searched high n low for a girl like you but there was no hope because nobody could ever replace you

so i wrote a note telling you that i wanted you back and if you came back then i would change i took it and hung it up three days later you walked in my house found my body laying on the floor you looked up and saw the note i wrote you just started crying and o how i wish i could wake up but i was already gone

I try to write a poem
but it seems all my thoughts
got into cars and drove straight into each other
leaving pieces of words and letters
Scattered
to be salvaged.

Like the dying flower
I feel myself wasting away

Like the dying flower
I feel the love for you dwindling to nothing

Like the dying flower
I ****** but no rain will come my way

The last thing That I do
Will be the last thing for you
No more helping, No more trying
No more anything,
I am through

The last thing That I do
Will be the last thing for you
No more wishing, no more thinking
No more anything,
What was felt just done and flew

Helping you
This one last time
Is last thing that I do
For you

And I cried
Let everything go
and cried.

As the winter air bites my fingers
      I take in a breath.
Maybe the snow dusted air
     Will freeze the pain?

The silence was killing me so I broke it with the whip of a whisper.
It shattered the silence for only a moment before going back to the daunting quiet that was suffocating me.
The silence was battling with the noises that  wanted to come from my throat and for a moment it won
But then I was able to break through the barriers and silence cried.

You can't hear me can you.
You are too busy  manipulating numbers
trying to collect data of the people you ******.
And why you count another ******
I whisper I love you.
And why you realized you miss counted and configure the numbers again
I whisper I need you.
And why you gloat of your endeavors
I cry in the back room.

Death's winter hand touched my heart.
He held it turning my blood to ice.
He took it with him and left.
I was left with no heart.
Left empty.

If you are not sure of what you want then you should leave me alone.
Don't come up to me and expect me to fold your problems and place them neatly back in your closet.
Don't come up to me with your arms around me to hold you up when you want to fall down.
Because every single time you do I want to
Not fold your problems but take them to Goodwill because someone else can use them.
Not hold you to keep you from falling but hold you to keep you close to my heart.
If you are not sure then stay away from me.

A wail wants to come out to echo across the room
But these tears are in the way,
Don't know when they will be through

What ring does the heart makes?
When it doesn't know what to do
Turn right, turn left, it don't know which way it's to take

It beats on drums
It plays the harp
Plucking each string like it's plucking shards
Likes it healing the heart but fails

It strums the guitar
Voices the Voice of the hearts that are breaking
But it strains too much and only a sharp sound of pain is let out

Shattered, cold, wanting to be alone
Tattered, sold, What is needed to be shown

Stopped, froze, it is now gone
Singing, silently The heart Break song

People
Only need
Every word
They can muster up to
Recite on to paper what they really feel.
You, me, and everyone can write poetry


I will use language
To morph and create a world
That mirrors my own

That tells a story
Of me and what I've been through
All the ups and downs

Poets do the same
They combine this and that and
Everything to make

To make Poetry.
A language only poets
Can understand well.

And I continue to read the rules and regualtions
and as I do fish are flicking their tails inside my stomach
letting the acid drip off the walls.

Time and time again
I failed to conceal the love
That seeped through the cracks.

It trickled down, it
Flooded my thoughts and actions.
Love leaked through the cracks

Leaving me in awe.
Confessing all that I could
I let love run through.

Listen my Child,
Don't rush out of love with a quick step
As you hold your heart by the strings
For you may get entangled and fall
all over again.

The light played tag with the shadows and with me.
The wind, close to my ears, began whispering.
A leaf fell from a tree, greeted me, landing on my open hand.
But I felt no light, no wind, no leaf.
I felt nothing.

And then on my knees
Asking myself this: Am I
Holding on to love?

(Sigh) Do I come clean?
Or do I **** out every
thought of the other

Confusing myself
as I take in every inch
I need off my knees

I need time to think
I need time to think

Does my face show what is truly felt by my heart?
Do my eyes reveal what is hidden inside?
Can he see through me?

What does he think?
What does he say?
Can he hear me even when I make no sound ?

I don't and won't pursue no longer
He is happy it seems and that all that matters
Can he feel me giving up?

One leaf disconnects from its home.
Guided by the wind, disconnected for an adventure.
The tree looks on.
It looks on desperate to have the leaf be back home once again
But it was the leaf's time to go.

My brother in a fit of irritation raises his voice only to laugh something a friend said.
My sisters are quiet, either they both were visited by Mr.S or they are just quiet.
I ?
let's not speak I.

11:11 Am
I wish for him to be with me
11:11 pm
I wish for him to be with me

Everyday it's the same wish
Everyday I recite it like a memorized line for a play
This wish doesn't change and will never change until it comes true

And maybe it will never come true
But that won't stop me from loving you
Cause wishing gives me hope
It lets me cope
Wishing the same thing again and again let's me know that I still want you

I'm getting lost in my mind trying to leave behind everything that leads to you
But in the end I met with repercussions with no idea what to do.
And I am told to ignore all your words from the past of my youth
But how do you muffle sounds when it was all you ever knew?

at this moment reminiscing gives me such a high
but I know I'll withdrawal before the end of the night
And the tears that I'm holding are comming on nigh
I know the sheets will drown with shattered dreams at the end of the night.

But it wasn't your fault at least that's what I say
Because once a heart is set, it can't change its way
or Changes its course it has for the day
or for the rest of its life though it brings dismay.

I was too caught up in visions too caught up in scripted fantasies
to even acknowledge that it aint possible this thought of you and me.
But that's what happens when you are a teenager in love  you disagree
With the truth that lies before you, you try to work its kinks.

And I am sorry for applying too much pressure when you were screaming for me to stop
I guess lost in my own head the screws the pins all of 'em popped
Leaving me diluted with polluted thoughts.
But that's what happens when you are a teenager in love  you disagree
With the truth that lies before you, you try to work its kinks.

Forgotten Memories are just that, forgotten.
Until some force makes you see.
They replay from within showing your soul things of the past.
Things that bring it to radiate as the sun would on a hot day
And
Things that put it to shame like a dog who disobeyed his master as he tucked his tail between his legs.
Things that lets giggles and laughter fill the room
And
Things that make it cry in pain  as memories pierce and stab.
Forgotten Memories are just that
Until they come back and you remember.

We must feed faith
to have hope.
We must feed hope
to have love.