I imagine that if I could fall in love,
it would be with a woman that...

That if I could tell her all the thoughts I think,
I'd never be allowed to take another breath;
That if I could gaze into her eyes,
I'd never need to blink again;
That if I could find my way,
it would be into her open arms;
That if I could change anything in the world
it would be so that everyone can find their soulmate;
That if I could spend the rest of my life with her,
I'd die smiling alongside the true definition of happiness;
That if I could turn back time,
I'd set us on a collision course
with no peripheral vision;
That if I could tell her how I felt
I would tell her, "I love you"

Dear younger me,

If you could see me now
from high and tight crew cuts to man buns
from quiet to expressive
from uninterested to invested
from ignorant to knowledgable
from no words to poet
from listening to music only when in the car
        to always having headphones with me
from antisocial to open
from no sense of self to a sense of being
from days sitting alone at the lunch table
        to interactive in class
from suicidal thoughts to the best days of your life
from broken spirits to healed soul
from alone to having have friends
from unloved to in love
from single to head over heels
from a shadow to an individual
from no one to someone
someone people are proud of
someone, I, you are proud of

to you,
-me

The thought that I would be good at something
The thought that I would be able to do something right
The thought that I could have friends
The thought that I can talk to people and they listen
The thought that I would be loved by someone
The thought that I would fall in love
The thought that I would be able to survive
The thought that I could make it to tomorrow
The thought that I would have something to live for
The thought that I would be able to feel happy
The thought of being happy
It never occurred to me

Who am I?

I am a kid among adults
I am an elder among children
I am too old but also too young
I am limitless yet so restricted
I am perfect yet so flawed
I am a saint but a sinner
I am too keen, yet reluctant
I am taken but unclaimed
I am free yet a prisoner
I am in control of my life
I am a tool in the lives of others
I am loved yet detested
I am calm yet so, so afraid

I am a god among men, but
I am also a man among gods
I am my past
I am my future
I am one
I am all
I am I and I am you

I am who I choose to be
The question is
Who are you?

Someday I found myself
with a flood of emotion
I found myself thinking I'm not enough,
I found myself thinking I can't do anything right
I found my head pounding, not a headache
I found my head with a train horn going off inside
I found myself with the feeling of the sound pulsating in my skull, resonating with bone

I found myself in a isolated room
I  found myself in a secluded corner
I found my knees to my chest on the floor
I found my face tear streaked
I found my body to seized up to wipe them away
I found myself too tired to sob

I found myself sitting
I found myself thinking
Thinking of writing the note
The single note that always I found myself too afraid to write
I found myself thinking of a quicker way
I found myself thinking of the shortcut

I found myself crying until my body gave up
I found my body stopping itself
I found my head resting against the wall
I found myself looking at the ceiling
I found myself thinking at a million miles an hour
I found my thoughts of why

I found my thoughts of why,
in all the universe, all that is or may be holy or divine, why?
Why I was put on this earth?
Why I was here?
I found myself with my thoughts
I found myself breaking down
Breaking down, into a pile of uselessness
Breaking down, into a pile of helplessness

I found myself disappearing
I found myself falling
I found myself fall, heavily, to sleep, empty