I can't stop
my hands from shaking
and I can't keep
my heart from
ripping itself
out of my chest
every time
I hear your name
I'm falling apart
slowly
piece by piece
and I keep this smile
on my skin
to make you believe
I'll be okay
I do it for your convince
I would do anything
for you
but just because
you can't stand me
doesn't mean
I can't stand you

it may not be
that you are addicted
but maybe that only cigarettes
can make you feel the kind of buzz
that you felt back in the summer
and it may not be
that you have become accustomed
to the unwashed sheets
that lay on your still frame
each night
but that the slight smell
of his cologne
still dances in the seams
and it may not be
that you wake up each morning
not because of the sun
seeping into your eyes
but because you keep telling yourself
that today will be the day
and darling,
it is not
that you aren't beautiful anymore
but just that you cannot see your
reflection
behind the backside of tears
that nobody know when
will stop falling
                                 {hko}

"hold your own hand,
and wipe away your own tears.
our parents taught us
to clean up our messes,
and that's all this is."

hko

AND MAYBE THE REASON I'M STILL LATCHING ON TO YOU IS BECAUSE I KEEP HOPING YOU'LL CHANGE YOUR MIND. THAT YOU WILL FIND YOUR WAY BACK TO ME BECAUSE  WE MADE A HOME IN EACH OTHER. AND WHILE I MADE MINE OUT OF STONE I WATCHED YOU CONSTRUCT YOUR GLASS HOUSE. AND YOU STILL BLAME ME BUT YOU WERE THE ONE THROWING STONES. AND DARLING I KNOW YOU THINK IM SO MUCH MORE BEAUTIFUL ON MY KNEES BUT THE SHARDS ARE DIGGING IN LIKE THE WAY YOU USED TO SAY YOU LOVED ME.
(hko)

AND I KNOW I AM NOT THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PERSON BUT NEITHER WERE YOU AND EVEN THOUGH I LOVED YOU WITH YOUR FLAWS YOU COULDN'T HELP BUT PICK ALL OF MINE APART BUT I AM NOT YOUR FLOWER AND YOU CAN'T PICK AWAY MY PETALS WHEN THEY BEGIN TO WILT AND EXPECT ME TO REATTACH THEM ON MY OWN. (hko)

it is so hard
to believe
that one day
everything
will be
ok

{hko}

you threw me in the ocean
with cement blocks tied
around my ankles
and ask me why it is so hard
for me to keep my head
above the waves
{hko}

I smoke cigarettes because
I need to have something else
pressed against my lips,
but not even the menthol
could drown out the taste
you have left on my tongue.

everyone says
it will get better tomorrow
but if getting better
means getting well without you
then I would rather
be sick

               hko

I could just lie down
and watch the world spin
in circles over and over,
while I count the reasons
I still love you.
but why would anyone number clouds
just to watch them fade away?
{hko}

we're all hooked on sleep
and pills
that keep the ghosts away
and the memories buried
but when sleep never comes
and plugs run out
we can't mask the fear
of being alone
anymore
                            -hko

smoking kills
but so can goodbye
and there is no warning label
on people
you do not know
what is sitting on your lips
until it is on another's
and if sheets could speak
they would not know what to say
to the smokers

{hko}

I'm sick
and I can't tell if it's the weather
or the fact you left
the symptoms began that night
inability to sleep
loss of appetite
so on and so on
and the doctor said its normal
for the season
he said the cold weather
can affect the mind
but all I remember
was the cold touch
of when you held my body
for the last time
and the nights are longer
it happens in the fall
but they last forever
when I can't roll over
and touch your face
and I can't remember
if it was that night
or that morning
that you had emptied everything
you had ever felt
and washed it down the shower drain
while I still slept
under your sheets
cold
I'm so ******* sick
and I wish it was
just this weather

i gave you everything and all you gave me was this hollow feeling in my chest when you told me that you couldn't do this anymore.

all I think of is you
but every night
it dulls
and I don't know if
it's the reminder of you
or the fact you'll turn into
a memory
that kills me
I've never contemplated
suicide
it's mind erasing
and I'm not sure
if I could handle
not remembering you

and every time
your name lights up my screen
at 3 in the morning
I know you're only lonely
but so am I
and if we can fill
each other's hollow pieces
then why not
numb the pain?

                                 hko

people who are broken
are beautiful
they are made of the
little pieces leftover
from chaos
and life
and they know what it's like
to feel the bottom of the ocean
and still be in love
with the stars
to take the pieces and
put themselves
back together
leaving mid chapter
to start a new book
because some endings
we're not meant to be read
and some beginnings
we're meant to be written

                                               hko

and I don't know
what heaven looks like
but if I could guess
it would look
like the sleep in your eyes
and if i could feel it
it would be a close resemblance
to the way
you used to hold me
  
                                      hko

now catch myself thinking of you
in the little corners of my mind
and in the blurry visions
before I sink into sleep;
in the smell before
the rain
and during the storm;
you hide
in the areas in my head
where my memories reside
and summer lasts forever
because those
we're the days you loved me.
so when I lie in bed
and my thoughts wander
back to warm days
and tan skin
I have trouble remembering
it's winter
and your heart now
is just as cold
as the
weather.
                             hko