I cried in his arms last night and I don’t feel any fuller than when he’s inside of me.* I’d rather him be inside of me. He told me it would be alright. It hurt me. I thought that it would help to air out my head. I never helps to air out my head.  It only makes the presser stronger. I cried in his arms last night and it didn’t help one bit.
I cried in his arms last night and it made me feel more alone than crying in the dark.  *He’s watching me die and he doesn’t know it.

here is the home i have made for you
from my mounds of
tired scribbles
and here is your new mattress
full of feathers
plucked from the wings of song birds
and here are the bills you'll never pay
because my fresh skin
will do the trick

and there was the love
i had for you
before guilt took it
away

me without you?

me without you
powerful
perfect
perennial

sad

1.   I seriously contemplated killing myself today for no real reason  If I were to go to therapy tomorrow and have to answer, give a "why," I wouldn't have one.  I don't know how to accurately explain this kind of nonsensical sense of "wow, this cannot get better, I hope it gets worse" while still holding on with all your strength to think about a new day coming.  My nails are permanently red form clawing at the new days I've been told so much about
2.   I like this feeling of sinking.  It makes me feel concrete in a structure that I already believe to be concrete which only serves to make me even more sure that I am real and dissociation can **** my ******* ***.  But from a distance.  Keep that scaly freak away from me.  I sit up and the meds push me down, gently, like they're putting me to sleep because it's just what the universe ordered.  I don't believe in that ****, but right now, I would like to.
3. He likes me so much that he doesn't know what to do with himself because we both made it so obvious, so clear that a romantic relationship, that a  bf and gf relationship, was not on the board and would never be on the board but now he wants it on the board and i'm thinking that what we really need is a new game entirely to let run our awkward lives.  Boys always think they're the best at playing the game.  But their powers are immune to the smart, nerdy, big assed girl like me who can put them to shame in about a month.  usually less  .I love my big ***, and so does he.

tummy aches
cold shoulders
list after list
of an
inventory
i forgot to
care about
blistered toes
three cold sores
this is how
you start to
feel again

they'll watch you
and scoff
all day at you
they don't
know what it's like
to cling to
themselves

burnt noses
hairy knuckles
crooked ******* mouth
this is the body
i've missed