I have been depressed for four years
I have lost more than four friends
and loved fewer than four people
Four times I have tried to do
The wrong thing
(or the right thing, who really ******* knows)
And four times I have been prescribed
A life foggier than most others
But still more normal than the one
That comes to life when left to my own devices

It has been a long four years
But they have gone by so fast despite
The too long days in a town
That only ever taught me how to hate myself
I look behind
Ahead
And I don’t recognize anything other than
The child I once was
Who had no idea a person could be so alone

It has been tiring
And every time I go to sleep
I feel like I’m not yet done
Paying for the past
For the sleepless nights and
Zombie days

It has been four days
It has been four whole days without
Thinking that this isn’t all
it’s supposed to be
It has been four days of arriving
On shores I used to know so ******* well
It has been four days, four nights,
More than four full meals
That have looked something like the
Mirage in the lake
I was ready to die in

Everyday
I must pray
I must beg
I must pretend that this is my normal
That this is my average day
That four days of this
Is what i’ve always known

It takes more than four days
More than four years
Four lifetimes
To relearn how to swim
Without a death wish tied to my ankle
It takes more than four worlds
To feel the pleasure
And not wish for the pain

It take more than four days
To know what
Living means for me