cold feet
bundled tightly
with the hopes
and dreams
of those
who once
believed

i am no longer
of this
classification

i know
now
that there is
something -
someone
that i am meant
for -
someone that
i am meant to
keep breathing for

cramped hands
shake with relief
from
no longer
grasping air
so tightly
with no reprieve
or reason
at all

is this how
we
are all meant
to live

somewhere in this
too-tightly
packed chest
of mine
there is a new conductor
steering us to
safety

the only question
though
that still remains
is

are these
new tracks tread
by me
or the person
i cannot
tame

i am sitting on a block of cement not meant for thought-out sentences or gracious gift-giving the sky is dark and the air is dry but we are all bundled up affected merely by the color of the hidden sun i wonder when the time will come that appearance is ******* by logic we should all know by now that grey means more than shivering and that jackets cannot keep the hurt from seeping in i remember when there used to a layer between children and the world we were hidden behind our walls like the moon behind the light of the daylight atmosphere we were safe yet had no idea no concept no understanding of the amount of protection that innately came with being small i yearn for that net keeping me afloat
you are gone now and i am alone in a land that i have yet to learn the paths of i do not know how i will survive in this place when all i have is my two feet and this is a town full of climbing upwards you were my only mechanism for keeping out of the arms of creatures waiting in the depths of my reality i do not question your loyalty but i question my own sanity as i look at you
we are not sheltered here and it is time to leave this sorry excuse for a home

The withdrawals are enough to send me back to the holding cells
They are more than enough to make me feel worse than before I was prescribed solidified chemicals in the form of hopefulness and the idea of retiring tiredness
When was the last time you medicated regularly? they will ask me
When did you first begin to forget more than you cared to care?
And I will laugh at them. I will cry from the shock of such potent disbelief
I will tell them You gave yet another burden to hands already full and cramped from the never-ending and futile efforts of keeping all of myself above the ground
What did you think would happen?
You are trying so desperately to prolong a life that was already pronounced dead upon arrival

The world will end with my lack of patience and my inability to find purpose in healthfulness
What could you ever do to stop that?

How does a person go about life without being the embodiment of their illness? Every night I must take another pill to weigh down the smoke inside of me. I must walk on the other side of the street to avoid the outstretched arms of unwanted opportunities. I must look away from every broken heart calling out for relief.
I must do this all to live like you do: hospital-cuff free for more than a few weeks at a time.
I must relentlessly bend my back to keep this black phantom at bay, and I cannot dare break.
How do I go about without acknowledging that I am governed by someone who is not myself?
I am tired of letting my will be dictated by the side of me that I still have yet to shake hands with. Not once did I invite such a common stranger into my home.
When will the time come that my self-control will not be controlled by bottle and long walks around obstacles most pass by without any thought?  When will I be able to follow you through the shortcuts and roundabouts?
My feet are tired of treading over collapsed pavement and grass littered with hidden falls. I ache for the path taken twice-over by the masses.
Normality has always sounded so sweet and smelled so tempting. When will I be allowed to gorge myself on it?

the scent of depression must be strong because he told me he smelled like me hours after i was gone, that he could feel the clouds i left with him and the burden of my worries was too heavy too  bare for too many moments at a time, that he could feel the sores upon my knees and that the rips in my skin left him cold in the winter, which never ended because biology never will, and he reminded me of all the dreams we never spoke of and all the times he woke up knowing i had done the same, that the urgency he felt, the tears he tried to wipe away, they were mine alone and not for sale but he bought them any way, he told me that he had purchased this for the meaning of salvation, that he planned to make due on his promises, to follow through, to go farther than my weak legs could carry me, and then he told me of his time in hell and his time with the devil himself, he told me that he knew my aches like no other and at the same time he could never find the source of the ****** knuckles he kissed so much, the ones he would wrap with utmost care and caress until i fell asleep, he told me that this was what it felt like to be in love with me, that he couldn't bare the storm, but he wanted to anyway, he told me that death in my embrace was something too precious to be given up on, that rewards only came with sacrifice, and that one day his woes would fall on me