i've been drowning in the water
trying to find my father
what happen to my powers
this time i'm too late
these lyrics we wrote together
will never be put to our music
for i was too late to realize
too late to understand how much
you've meant to me
the person in my dreams
standing across the street
was you the whole time
when my heart would swell
out of times so rare
it was only you
and i was far too late

"I love you even*       "I love you even
               when I think       when you think
                       about death."           about death"  
                                          -JG                 ­          *-BB

painting red across my wrist
and all i wanted was a better view
"wake up"   it says   "let's go get high"
my cheeks flushed hot red
damped by my fears
bored because i'm dumb
it calls me a queer
my mind although
is a riot that you watch
from your tv
pupils dilated
doll parts scattered
bless my body
bless my soul
wrap it up in
turpentine
you're so *******
fabulous babydoll
you fit right
******* in

I will wrap up my scars in a bouquet      I left a jar at your window

lay them gently on your door step    filled with sighs and cigarette butts

ring your doorbell         so you could get high in the morning
      
and runaway            off of my sleepless nights of          
                                  
                             ­ boredom and sadness

I remember it was after midnight.
Everyone in the whole town were at home asleep.
I walked on the empty streets of Main.
I felt as if I were on a stage.
Such a strange world it felt at that time.

And you were there.

I am here. Where am I?
I lay on the floor, I become a snake.
I melt into the

I've always been nervous around snakes.

I was the child with the coral painted brown on my head.
I was his fawn. I was his lost death.
I feel this buzzing in my bones.
I think I'm dumb.
I was just as bored as him.
I was his polly. I was his kin.
I think I'm dumb.

I slap my skin to let the poison set in.
My hand is in yours as I drag you with me.
Tomorrow comes today.
I have never been so afraid.
I hear grim whistling up from the hill.
I feel as though it's too late.
killing myself to be with you on this plastic beach.

My heart is a graveyard.
Full of all my past imaginary lovers.
Full of memories, and scars.
Full with all the drugs, and dead fallen stars.
All of the dead kitties and birds lying on the streets.
They all rest inside of me.
This graveyard inside my heart is full of all the
sounds that made me feel my emotions burn.
Full of all the fools who have hurt me.
It's full of rage, chaos, and hate that I had boarded
under my skin since I was just a child.

Once you've entered my heart consider yourself dead.

I would like to say, I have let my hate control me.
No, I don't dislike it. Honestly if I may say, I enjoy it very much.
But I feel bad for being a complete and utter ***** to this girl.
It started with her dating my bestfriend, and then cheating on him.
Everyone thinks she is a poser, but at the same time they act like they are her friends so they can use her. There is no way around it. At all.
But maybe she isn't a poser. Maybe we think this because she is just now going through what we all (my friends and I) went through many years ago. But the way she did it makes her look like an utter poser. And two things I hate with a passion: posers and hicks.
But before all of this her dating my bestfriend, and being a poser thing happened,
I was almost starting to be friends with her. Had NOTHING in common with her, and I liked it.
The only time we actually hung out we went to some guys house, and there were a few people, and every one was talking and laughing, and being loud.
Her and I sat on the floor away from everyone. I liked that.

I think she is a pretty cool girl, and is fun, and pretty out of all of this.
So, in a way, but not entirely I'm saying *sorry

When I was young
I would close my eyes and hum.
Hum away the pain.
Where were you when it rained?
I lie coiled up on the ground
wishing to be a pretty leaf on a tree.
Only to grow old and fall down.

I'm whole on the outside -  rotten from within.
All my dreams and thoughts are molding.
And the hole through my chest - lets the demons slumber in.

My feelings burn through my skin.
Darkness is my old friend, and he has come to visit me again.
We sit by the window and drink our tea.
I smoke a cigarette, which is not like me.
But that's what Darkness does.
Brings out all the ugly parts of me, and turns them into beauty
that only it can see.

Oh, I see you've been crying.
Is that why there is blood all over?
Oh, come on, honey.
This is my world.
Where have you been?
Coiled on the ground bruised and pained?
Wow, I'm so far ahead.
It will only get worst.
Stop living in my world.

I often think about that time in the morning at your house.
I was awake, because I always woke up early, and once
I sat up, and left your arms to sit by the cold window,
you reached your arms out grabbing for me saying in a
very sweet, hushed, slumbered tone:
"Come back to bed, Ashy."
Once you heard me start to cry, your eyes shot open, and
you have never said you were sorry so many times in your life.

So here I am floating in the waters of oblivion.
I seem to have tangled myself into the waves.
The chaos and hatred has been engraved.
I am sheeply covered in your blood.
You are so far far away from me,
but I keep reaching.

I have dug my grave.
This silver spoon has gotten *****.
And his illusions were my lost challenge.
Pushed to my knees.
I don't pray.

Mexi: I'm the right kind of lover on Sunday morning.
Ramona: I will kick your ***.
Aurora: She's so sweet, and graceful, and cherry flavored.
Knives: *******


Many more to come probably because I hate myself.

Oh, man how I enjoy the pain.
I'm craving the burn.
I want my turn.
Come on, put your body into it.
I want to bruise.
If not you, I'll do it myself.
These scares are so pretty.
And I am burning.
It stands for knife.
Cut deep into me.
Thank you, mind.
Thank you, life.

These lines that trace from me to you.
Oh, how they tug and they pull.
They're almost like webs.
They almost feel dull.
And I will travel just like a ghost.
Where ever you may go.
May that be here to there,
or even cost to cost.
And these lines that trace from me to you
are the traces I love most.

Oh, my Aurora.
Oh, I'll keep you in me.
Are you drowning?
Can you breathe?
Oh, my Aurora.
You've burned through everything.
Stay perfect under my skin.
Following my Aurora.
She's taking me to a place inside.
Without her it's so hard to reach.
My Aurora lead me.
Oh, my Aurora.
The glow that stays under me.
You are so much higher than me.
And you have burnt through all of me.
I am drowning.
I can barely see.
Following my Aurora.
Oh, my Aurora.
Rest in my peace.

I knew a boy who came from the sea.
He traced my scares and kissed them.
He couldn't understand the pain that I had conquered up in my head.
He was the only one who had ever known the truth about me.
My therapist though I had made him up.
She couldn't grasp someone so graceful, and so magical could ever exist.
He did exist.
He existed more than I ever could.
I would let him read through my journals full of poems, and self harm.
And he would touch my arm, and leave burn marks.
I had four so far going up my wrist.
At night lying in the dark, the round burns on my wrist faintly glowed.
And when I traced over them his face flashed through my mind.
I would spend each day with him, but the moments we had to divid I will never forget.
I stand facing him, as he lifts his hand in front of my chest.
He smiles.
I start to smile back until a sharp pain rushes up my spine, and out my chest.
Everything gets bright, and my head goes dizzy.
It almost feels as if something is being pulled out from my chest.
Everything goes dark, and numb.
And after awhile I gasp for air, and open my eyes.
I'm alone again, as if it never happened.
As if I never was with him.
This is not new.

No, I could never show it.
Show it to the world.
How I really feel is ugly to most.
Sinking inside myself.
Becoming a slumbered ghost.
I'm in the comfort of sadness.
And it's getting bad again.
My own feelings turning against me.
He sang the words as a joke.
Later to realize it wasn't a hoax.
And now he's gone.
I'm gone.

I am a soul.
I'm searching for a body.
I am a soul.
And I'm searching for a home.
I am a soul.
And you have found me.
You found me.
I am a soul.
And I am deep in your body.
I am a soul.
And you are my home.

What if I live off of hate?
I love the feeling gravitating under my skin.
No, *******, I will never let you in.
But you want to be inside.
You want to be my friend.
If you only knew the things that I hold deep within me.
Things that prove of your living beneath me.
I've been crowned as the evil and weird.
And you will never be worthy, my dear.

Oh, I have done it again.
burned up, and then faded in.
It's better that way so he had said.
But I feel so brand new whenever I take their hits.
The pain is still there.
It is my friend.
I know this will never end.
Let me take your hits.
Oh, I have done it again.

I'm bruised up again.
Falling in and out of it.
And you swore you'd be here soon.
I'm never going to be worth you.
Alone, I will cherish all my misery.
I will follow you.
Oh, just say you don't care.
Never, I won't!
Take me far away.
Come on, baby just stay.
Never, I won't.