Having a crush is weird
You like someone for reasons
that wouldn't be reasons
were you not there to reason
that they were reasonable
or had not held as reasons
only to continue crushing.

There is no reason to crush
Only reasons for the crusher
that will crush his very ability
to uncrush his crush
until time has done its course.

But of course the very logic
that pervades his chosen course
is a course through the good and the beautiful
that coursing through has to offer.
It feels like a course that will last
until the last of the time marked for it.

Like that one time
I met a boy
- but I think he's really lovely.
No doubt about that.

stand i in a valley
of skulls and wretched remains
dust and decay have compile
and course of the earth
has degraded,
here lies
a little more than a memory that
i shan't again be calling mine
the once beating heart that
suffered plenty
for you

and you;

and you;

also you;

then, you;

ah

i think you, too?;

then you...;

all you who've never much as
deliberated
to bring me to feel
all the wretched feelings
i suffered
during nights when you clouded
my power to think of anything else
but your abnormally,
unthinkably,
ridiculously,
annoyingly,
selfishly
reck­lessly,
stubbornly
lovable figure......!;
in the fragments of hours
that stretched into
weeks
of broken tapes repeating
the same snippet all over and over again
until i grew weary,
but i never did,
although there was plenty of resistance ---
cries and wails
and kicking and mourning
and punching the table
and suffocating my pillow
that i cried
wailed
kicked
punched
and suffocated
just wishing these feelings would go away...

i was in a spell,
and i'd be in rage would i find
you not feeling sorry for me
for going mad over you
yes, you should be sorry for me
if you could just imagine how difficult my heart was
stubborn as a boulder,
an elephant
downright ridiculous...
oh the memory of it,
just the memory of it,
makes me glad i'm done with all those feelings!
I'm free!!!

oh my face would burn...
my eyes, devour the glimpse of your smile
and every ink or pixel of everything you wrote
or what was written about you
my heart would run wild!
and breath so unbelievably sharp
(honestly did check my pulse a couple)
also honestly,
you wouldn't believe how much you made me feel
your ego would burst
your mind will go nuts
you will become a squirrel
or i don't know...
so i conclude that it is for your best interests
that you remain ignorant about this

i won't understand why today...
but ask the me
during the time
of suffering plenty
and this fellow will tell you
all the convincing tales
and nuances that i saw
quirks that i loved
behaviors that i cherished
of this target of my affections,
that half-truth that i chanted day in and day out
that made me sink deeper into this...
dreaded nightmare.
i catched a severe cold,
and had to endure it for as long as it
pleased to stay
honestly ridiculous
really, really ridiculous
it's a parade of folly,
a season of losing my wits,
some months of mental deprivation
some moments of self-degradation
i'm glad they're all memories now
but i mourn for my little honor
because every single day
that my heart reasoned it best
to keep this infatuation,
i felt like a fool.

i acted a fool.
i reasoned a fool.
i let loose of the hours i had during the day
and during the night
a fool.
i smiled a fool.
i felt joy a fool.
i commended you a fool.
--- not to say that you're bad though,
just,
i really can't fathom why my heart decided
to have so much a say on this, you know.
i don't wanna marry you or anything,
but my heart, during those "dark ages"
felt it good and noble
to love you
and care for you
and wipe your eyes
and join you cry
and all that.
not that you're not loveable!
heart gave me more reasons to appreciate you actually ---
though yeah, it was too much.
too much for my own good
so i hope you feel my burden.
please mourn with me
and no, i don't wanna marry you.
hope that's clear

sometimes it haunts me
the memory of this unrestrained self
possibly making a fool of itself
by being unsubtly subtle,
my eyes never lied.
the muscles of my face never lied.
my giddy figure never lied.
my expressive gestures never lied.
my hearty laugh whenever you spoke never lied.
all the times i worried for you,
or checked up on you,
never lied.
my efforts to be near you never lied.
all the compliments i donated never lied,
even if they were not verbal
and only meant me looking at you
a hundred feet away
or being so happy when you were happy,
or being so proud whenever you would succeed.
they were never lies.
i never lied.
but i hope so strongly you never sensed any of those truths
i hope they die in your memory, too.
much like these feelings
have finally died on me.

my shackled self would have wanted you to notice
but who cares what that self thinks!
i don't --- i'm now more free
and i hope you never bring it up EVER ---
the fact that once in my life
you were Romeo.
But i was Josephine.

who's Josephine?
exactly.
don't try to find out now, Romeo
it's no use, really.
leave it as is
just keep quiet and carry on
because today,
i am free
my feelings have died on me
thankfully, i did not die on them
i couldn't imagine a life being so illusioned
by a false kind of love ---
an imposter kind of love ---
because Romeo,
this is not love.
i fought it,
and i have triumphed.
not that i defeated it,
but only stood my ground for as long as the battle endured.
until all that was left of me
was memory of this malady,
a shattered heart,
a weary mind,
a crushed spirit,
and a lost cause.

stand I in a valley
of skulls and wretched remains
dust and decay have compile
and course of the earth
has degraded,
here lies
a little more than a memory that
I shan't again be calling mine
the once beating heart that
suffered plenty
for you

I appreciate you more because of that...
but no matter;
today I will be merry
because I am finished
being infatuated with you.