Darling I know what you are thinking, "Mum is crazy".
Maybe I am, but I hate being wrong, so I am not.
You might feel lonely, tired, heartbroken.
I am too.

I'm sorry for screaming at you when you changed your look.
I'm sorry for looking at you cold and bitter.
I'm sorry for lose control that night.
The pills, the nights, the lovers.
I'm sorry, Pam.

I saw you with you white dress yesterday.
You looked beautiful as an angel.
You smile at yourself in the mirror,
I supposed he's a good man.

I remember the first time someone break your heart.
Your puppy, sad eyes were tearing me down.
I knew that boy broke your heart,
and I knew he wasn't the first one.
I can't believe, I was.

You told me one day you didn't want to have kids.
You say you didn't want to be like me.
I told you this, my dear.
I'm sure, you won't be.

My sweet Pam, I love you.
You were the sweet in my bitter.
I wish you all the happiness in this world.
That stupid boy, and this crazy mom, won't hurt you anymore.

Estoy en esa etapa de la vida donde no sé para que rumbo voy, ni siquiera se en que rumbo estoy. Me siento perdida en el mundo, en mi mente. Es una nube que ha aparecido estos últimos meses, cegando por completo mis sueños y mis metas. Me siento vacía. Nada me hace feliz y nada me hace triste. Siento que me encuentro en un desierto tratando de buscar la salida, pero no veo nada. No veo esperanza. Me gustaría ver a alguien con sus brazos abiertos y con una sonrisa diciendome "Todo va estar bien Pamela". Me gustaría creerle. Siempre he dicho que no le tengo miedo a nada. La realidad es que me estoy muriendo de terror. El amor, el futuro, la vida, son cosas que temo. Encuentro tan interesante el amor y esos sentimientos que aparecen por una persona, pero tan dañino. Entregarle tu corazon a alguien y no ser correspondido me mata de miedo. Es por eso que me alejo. Siempre me alejo. Me alejo cuando tengo miedo. Me alejo cuando me acerco a alguien. Me alejo al futuro y a mis sueños. No puedo ni llorar. Tal vez mis lagrimas temen salir y dejar ver que soy humano, tal vez ya no tengo lagrimas, tal vez mis sentimientos se han ido con mi mente.

I got my ****,
my cigarettes,
my loneliness in this bottle of *****,
I got my tears in my bed,
the screams in the pillow,
the bitterness in my heart,
she is going and she is not coming back.

"In 21 days you will not cry anymore" they said.
Still I feel like a knife is inside of me and I can't escape.
My first broken heart,
"the most painful but the most helful" they exclamed.
My first broken heart, and I'm feeling like the world is going to end.
My first broken heart, why he did that to me?
My first broken heart, did he really loved me?
My first broken heart, I can't stop dreaming about him.
My first broken heart, please don't leave me.
My first broken heart, I don't want you in my dreams. It hurts me
My first broken heart, I'm drowning on my own tears.
My first broken heart, I can't even sleep now.
My first broken heart, I swear I love you, I'm sorry that you hurt me.
My first broken heart, I hate you, but I love you and I hate myself now.
My first broken heart, She was my friend.
My first broken heart, maybe this pills helps me sleep.
My first broken heart, where is my ****?
My first broken heart, my blood is turning into alcohol.
My first broken heart, he's not the boy I thought he were.
My first broken heart:
"Mama he's a good guy, he really is, but I don't know why he did that to me"  I said.
"If he did that to you then he wasn't good. Deceptions are so painful, baby girl. I swear you're gonna find someone good. Someone who only loves you" She hugged me till I cry into my sleep.

Recordaba la luz resplandeciente de sus ojos cada vez que me acostaba. Recordaba su mirada dulce, llena de vida y amor. Recordaba sus fuertes y suaves manos. Recordaba su forma tonta de caminar y como solía reírme. Recordaba cuando lo conocí por primera vez. Estaba tan segura de que no era como los demás. Recordaba su rareza. Recordaba que era lo más que me gustaba de él. Recordaba sus besos. Recordaba que calentaban los míos. Recordaba su abrazo y como lo extrañaba tanto. Luego recordé como sus mentiras me convirtieron en alguien que no era. Recordé como las drogas y el alcohol era mi única escapatoria de no pensar en el. Recordé que él era más intoxicante que la droga y el alcohol, porque de otra manera no entendía porque era en lo único que pensaba. Recordé como lloraba enfrente de mi madre porque el primer chico que le entregué mi corazón me decepcionó de una manera terrible. Recordé como lo defendía porque aún  pensaba que era el chico que me decía los buenos días. Recordé que me tomaba  pastillas para poder dormir. Recordé como mi llanto era lo único que se escuchaba en mi habitación. Recordé como me dolía el corazón y como el dolor no parecía acabarse. Recordé que cuando mencionaban su nombre no había otra cosa que me importase. Recordé que su nombre estaba constantemente en mi cabeza como una canción maldita. Recordé como arranque las páginas de mi poemario porque él no merecía mis sentimientos. Recordé como nunca había escrito sobre alguien. Recordé el miedo que me daba cada vez que alguien me decía que me tenían que decir algo. Recordé como les mentía a todos diciendo que estaba bien. Recordé como decía que estaba mejor cuando me hundía en mi propio mar de lágrimas. Recordé las veces que esperaba un simple mensaje o una palabra. Recordé que aún con todo el daño que causo aún lo esperaba con los brazos abiertos. Recordé que nunca lo tuve y que nunca lo perdí.

If only I can told you,
This feeling unknown.
Are you going to love me
or are you going to ******* off?

My loneliness and my desperation for love made me feel the emptiness of my heart.  I kiss a boy and I did not hear the music, I did not felt the butterflies, I did not even see his face. He was standing there, but I was not.  He was touching me and I never felt so gross.

Sometimes I wonder about the world. The simplicity that it has, and at the same time so perplexing. I wonder about why am I here, why is my mom here, why is it flowers here. I wonder about what people feel, what people see, what people think. I wonder about people falling in love. How does that feel? Two humans dying for the other. Scary, isn't? I wonder how a kiss can mean so much and make feelings go insane, the common butterflies in the stomach. I wonder about the past, the present, the future. Three of the most mystery that have the world, better said, the human. I just wonder how life is so simple when you see it,but so hard to live in. Is so simple, yet beautiful, to see the ocean, the waves carry on, the breeze and the sun. Is simple to look at the night sky and look at the stars, wondering what more can the universe give us and have, still we can't see it. We can't see it because we got so much problems and that's the part of life being complicated. If a boy don't like us back, all our world is meaningless. Is we have too much work, being in a office 16 hours a day, we aren't really living. So I wonder and I believe that we were born to live. We were born to be free. We were born to see the simplicity that the world gave us and just be part of it. Stop saying why am I here, stop wondering. I am here to live life like crazy, live every moment, to smile, to kiss a lot, to fall in love, to see the night sky, to see the past with no regrets, to live the present like there's no other day, and look at the future and not feel scared. I'm important, you're important. Don't act like the world doesn't belong toyou, it does because you're part of it. Be grateful. Be kind. Be a dreamer. Be you.

I think about you and it hurts so much.
I thought you were nothing, but I think I'm wrong