He proposed on New Years Eve.
At midnight I said yes.
This is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.
Even if the life I've already lived has been short, I know he is the one I want.
I took a gamble when we first started dating.
As is turns out, I have better luck than I though.
I don't know why he loves me.
But I can think if a thousand reasons why I love him.
Now I know high school sweethearts tend not to last, but I hope we can break that trend.
I hope our love is forever.
I hope the world doesn't try to hold us down.

There's a monster that lives inside of me.
Crawling, itching, aching under my skin.
It controls me. It haunts me. And it will never leave.
I'm left in the dark, alone, drowning.
It's holding me down to keep me weak.
People tell me to be strong but the monster gets mad when i fight back, it punishes me.
I'd cry for help but i cant, trust me I would if I could.
All I can manage to do if get mad,
blame others for my monster.
But there is no one to blame but me.
I'm the one that is afraid of myself.

I'm supposed to write a generic poem about love right?
Well my relationship is too complicated for the normal standards.
I wouldn't be able to find the words to describe our past.
"If it's ment to be it's shouldn't be this hard."
But maybe we aren't ment to be,
but we are making our own destiny now.
He's the greatest thing in my life.
And I know he feels the same.
Even though it wasn't love at first sight,
We are in love now.
I had a boyfriend when he made a move.
But it worked out in his favor.
It's not the normal convestional relationship.
But its our relationship.

You know that girl that sits in the front of your college class?
Religiously taking notes and answering questions?
I know she seems like an over achiever,
How she's always smiling.
The way she dresses in pink and cute short shorts.
I know it may seem like she's looking for attention and trying too hard.
But that girl was not always as happy and lively has she seems.
That girl used to spend her nights crying herself to sleep.
She would sit in the back of her high school classes,
not talking to anyone.
Dressed in black hoodies and sweats everyday.
Awhile ago that girl got help, she's better now.
So why shouldn't she dress her best and try her hardest.
She worked her *** off in therapy to be where she is now.
How should I know? Why do I care?
Because I was that girl in the dark clothes.
And now I am that girl with the happy smile and the bright colored clothes.
I am the way I am now because of who I used to be.

There are so many beautiful people here.
It's always changing.
There's always something new
As if consistency is something they fear.
The sun shines  brighter here, favoring this spot.
Rushing waves tie my stomach in a knot.
The sand between my toes is buring hot.
Everything here is new to me.
Moving across the country was supposed to make me feel free.
But California is a scary place.
Not all it's cracked up to be.

The place I went when I wanted to hide.
Get in my car and go for a ride.
Drive up the winding road,
To the place I could call home.
Step out of my car to smell the fresh air,
To feel the wind rush through my hair.
Sudden feeling of pure bliss.
I can't stay way from this place I always miss.
I've brought friends here
To show them this park that is, to me, so dear.
Watching thier faces light up when they see,
How close to nature they can be.
When my lover first showed me this rare spot I was amazed.
The trees and trials were a maze.
But I come here to regularly
That I've memorized everything.
Every trail, every tree, each bench and sign.
I cherish this place, I can call it mine.

I know you stopped caring.
I understand why you have forgotten about me.
But I haven't forgotten about you.
I want to move on, trust me.
But I can't let go of your memory.
Why did you tell me you cheated?
You could have gotten away with it.
But you were honest when you didn't have to be.
I think you told me because you loved me.
If you could rewind time, would you still act the same?
Really, I just need answers.
But it doesn't feel right to talk to you anymore.
I have been busy loving someone else.
But wondering how you feel.
If I tried would you talk to me?

I'm sorry I keep hurting you.
I'm sorry I always get so mad.
I hope you know it's never your fault.
I never ment to push you away.
I always hoped you'd stay.
But when your gone and I won't know what to say.
In your absence I know I'll pay.
Lying alone in the dark, waiting for your return.
Too many sleepless nights ahead,
Wishing I had said I loved you a little more.
When you cone home I promise things will be different.

There's no reason to be afraid, right?
It's safe here, right?
You promised I wouldn't keep hurting like this.
You were suppose to protect me, remember?
So why am I still hurting like this?
Here I sit, still hurting and crying and drowning alone.
I know you tried to help.
But I am not safe.
And there are too many reasons to be afraid.
I have just adapted to this fear of life.
I'm still alive, aren't I?
I guess I don't need your false protection anymore.

One small seed starts a whole garden.
That's all it takes to transform a boring space.
Just one seed, a drop of water and a little light,
and then suddenly everything changes.
From ugly dirt to a flowing sea of green.
Tender love and car, and thier growth takes flight.
Beautiful colors and shapes that attract beautiful birds and butterflies.
And when the wind blows those flowers dance.
They dance like it's a great big party.
When ever I see their party I want to be invited.
I want to dance among the flowers and the birds and the butterflies.
I want their happiness to be my happiness too.

I'm broken and hurting.
I have been gone to get "help" too many times.
Nothing has made me "better".
Yet here you stay, by my side.
Why? Why are you still here?
I spend so much time hurting you and fighting you off.
And still you tell me you love me.
How can you not see that I'm not good for you?
I'm not stable enough, not right now.
Yet you still care for me.
I will get better. For you, for us.
I want to get better so we can live happily ever after.

I don't know where I'm going.
I don't know what I want.
Here I am, walking this path I'm on.
But what if it's the wrong path for me?
It's confusing, it's making me dizzy.
Questioning every move i make, wondering if it will make me happy.
Life is a maze and I'm pretty sure I'm lost.
Lost and waiting for a sign.

When we first met I thought it was just a fling.
I didn't think it would turn out to be the real thing.
Now nearly three years later,
Our love has grown so much greater.
We have been through tough times.
But I've made up my mind.
You waited for me more than once.
Now I'll wait for you in your absence.
While you join the army,
I'll keep my heart under lock and key.
I have faith our love with last,
Despite our pasts.

He told me he loved me,
But hurt me so fast.
Foolishly I forgave him, thinking we'd last.
Everything was seemingly better for us.
Little did he know, I was hating life.
Desperate for attention I started playing with knives.
When the attention I craved came from a new man,
I dropped josh hard.
I became the worst kind of wild card.
And I'm not even sorry.

Sitting in a room full of my "peers",
I still feel alone.
At the family table with food and laughter,
I still feel alone.
In the bed where I lie with my love,
I still feel alone.
Roaming the mall and watching strangers,
I still feel alone.
No matter how many people are near me
I still feel alone.
I'm aching to fit in,
But I'll always feel alone.