Those who do not experience it cannot fully understand
Life becomes a struggle, living is an extra challenge
Everyone becomes nervous, everyone experiences shyness
But not everyone knows the phobia of socialization

Being around others quickly becomes exhausting
Meeting many new people can be painful
Our minds are overworked through simple conversation
Our thoughts cannot leave how we appear, or how we are seen

The worst is that we see it,
We see how miserable we make ourselves
And how much we wish we were like someone else

We wish we could eat in a public restaurant,
not have to wait to go home to use the bathroom,
to walk into a crowded room,
attend the party everyone's going to,
instead of arranging a pity part for one

We need you to know that we do not refuse to do things with you because we don't like you,
We deny ourselves your company because:
she will be there
we woke up and felt bloated today
our hair doesn't look that nice today
he's there and I think he likes me
Because the way that place is laid out forces everyone to look at the entrance when the doors open and I can't handle all the eyes judging me until my face is red causing people to ask me whats wrong which is when I become upset because everywhere I go someone asks me whats wrong so then I shy away hoping to be someone else which makes me look stuck up not shy Then we'll need to sit and your going to want to sit with your friends whom I do not know well enough to sit with for an hour while they talk to you occasionally asking me questions that I answer oddly and again become red making everything weirder than it is Making them pity me and I hate their pity

Even writing this I cringe, because I  hate being this girl.

Take it Back
She don't know how
The room loses light
Sound vanishes, no faint echos
Just silent and dark
Take it Back
Breaks the silence
She don't know how
Through the dark she feels a stare
Frigid and demanding
Take it Back
This is her last chance
She tries to say it
She don't know how
All warmth gone
Take it back**
This is all she regrets
The absence of this action
Leaves her to be on her own
She don't know how

Mom:
You have a pureness to your beauty that you'll never accept,
but I wish you did, you deserve to embrace it.
I  wish that you could see your own potential, and flaunt the beauty you have.

You're the epitome of good, any cruelness you spew comes from your own insecurities, and I know there are quite a few.

You've put yourself on the back burner far to much, and while it's appreciated beyond recognition, learn to love yourself as much as you love the people around you.
You're selflessness is amazing, but you matter too, please remember.

The overflow of emotions that consume me when I think of the love and respect I have for you floods my soul with a beautiful warmth.
Without you I would crumble, you've raised and guided me better then any error-less mother I could ever fabricate.

Nobody could have instilled in me better morals or values than what you have. Nobody was born to have children like you were.
So, I thank you, endlessly and profoundly, for being yourself.

I didn't know him, the boy who died today.
I didn't know the blonde of his hair,
the smell of his cologne,
or the way he spoke.

I don't know why he removed himself from this world,
and I don't know why he took a piece of me with him.
I think of his family, the friends who cry out on social media and how they've begun to grieve.

Then I think of the scene.
The blood in his hair,
the smell of ruddy iron,
and the silence of the room.

There was something he felt he had no other escape from,
some cage that forced his hand to trigger a release.
So close to Christmas,
so close to a new year,
so close to a new start.

They say that as life goes on things get better,
through every struggle, they say to wait.
Wait until life changes,
wait until you reach a new stretch.

But life doesn't get better as we go,
not if we just recoil and wait.
Life does not bring us a reason to live,
we must find it.

Experience creates happiness.

Throughout our existence we journey to find substance to keep us alive:
People who brighten us, ones we have not yet encountered.
Lifestyles we may not yet know to exist.
Love like no other that leaves us sure that this is it.

We cannot give up on life so quickly.
It requires endurance and endeavor to collect these treasures.
We are oblivious to what is yet to come,
maybe one is right around the corner.

I was such a sensitive child, emotions on full alert
Constantly,
Consistently.

I would cry until dry
Love until abandoned
Loathe myself until broken.

But what kind of life is that?

I was  shriveled, alone and in pieces.
So I, like many, created a prison for myself.
I created unbreakable walls to hide in.
To keep my emotions inside while everyone else looked upon my hard exterior

I cannot pin point a time or situation when I lost all emotion
Or when I built walls to hold myself up.

All I know is that now I show nothing
I push people away until I am alone
And I tear off pieces of myself and use them to reinforce my walls

I see now that I have recreated my younger self,
I am still full of hidden tears
I am alone by choice
And have ripped myself apart
But instead of sensitive child, I am now a **heartless monster