I do think there's a god,
But sometimes I wonder. Why?
Why would he allow sin to exist
Why do we have to live an entire life of suffering
Before we finally see him on the other side?
Some people say we chose this life, and it was our free will that caused it.
But does that mean there's still sin in heaven?
Or is there no free will?
If it's the latter we could've just skipped this step
And if it's the former is heaven really a place worth going?
I don't mean to sound pessimistic about it but
I just want to understand.
Is this the curse of the tree of knowledge?
Obviously sin doesn't exist in heaven.
Sin can't exist in God's presence.
So that means our ability to sin is gone.
So why did it have to be there from the start?
All free will does is let me make bad choices.
It lets me ruin my life.
Maybe I'll ask him tonight, if I'm brave enough

I got everything I ever wanted.
A stable job where they all seem to care.
I married the girl I've loved since high school.
So when does this whole happiness thing start?

I spent about four hundred on Amazon yesterday

Just some stuff I've been wanting for a while

That's a whole car payment

It's probably okay

But a question keeps popping into my head

Will I still have any of it a year from now?

My addiction to **** haunts me daily
Moreso haunts my wife, actually
Can't get it up for her when she finally wants me
Cause I ****** it just a few hours before
It's sad what I'm doing to her
But society deems it "normal" and "healthy"
Only ones who'll even admit it's bad are the religious types
Are we so anti God we have to say it's good just because some priest says otherwise?
If it doesn't endanger our comfort it's okay
I'm tired of hearing it
Sometimes I wish we never invented farming

I thought I prepared myself this time
Convinced I could lower my guard
I let down my walls for just a second
I let them kick me while I'm down
But it's winter
And I always forget
It hurts much worse in the cold

I know it's all I write about
But I just miss being a kid
I'd love to not have any problems
But I wouldn't want to put my mom through that again

Sitting on the floor in the middle of the room
I scrape my hand on the inside of the bowl
And shovel gruel into my mouth.
Starving, I scoop another handful down my gullet.
Something wet lands in my lap
I look down and see my stomach burst open, slop spilling out.
A crowded room and no one notices.
I stop eating to catch my breath
Their heads all whip to my direction
Eyes locking on me.
My stomach growls
I scoop another handful.
Everyone goes back to what they were doing.
It's probably better this way.

Bar with friends
I don't Know
Them and I
Don't know me
Overwhelmed
By feelings
Of disgust
I want death
To myself

Leaving home is always more difficult than you anticipate
It's not just losing your friends or learning new roads
It's all the little things you don't think about before you go
No one knows your favorite convenience store
No one remembers that twenty-five cent palm reader in the K-mart that closed down a few years back
No one can sing along to the radio jingles you've grown up with
And that goes both ways
It's a wonder anyone can make friends as an adult
I want to go back home

I went out in the dust storm yesterday
Sepia clouds filling the sky, but just on one side
Dense clouds obscuring the east
Clear as day over the shoulder

In moments I was engulfed
And I said goodbye to the westward sun
As the grains of sand, one by one
Pelted me in the face

Engulfed in earth
Baptised by the world
Out of vanity is my unbirth
And I don't even flinch

No dad, I can't walk any faster.
I'm ten years old, my legs
Are half the size as of yours.




That's what I should've said.

Last night I dreamt I jumped from a plane,
Only I didn't have a parachute.
I can't recall if I elected to leave it behind or just forgot,
But I don't think that's what's important.
I dove headfirst into the concrete.

I don't know how to describe this aura on me.
Nothingness? That's the best I can do, I guess.
How did I become who I am?
Who was I, and what changed?
I didn't always feel this way.

I don't know how to act when women are involved
The world doesn't want my kind to begin with
Lack of significant motivation to get anything done
My wife thinks I think God is real
I'd find out if God is real
My voice is too nasally
I waste my wife's money
I can't figure out how to be normal
My dad is an alcoholic
I'm an alcoholic
I burden everyone I'm around
I seek attention
I don't want attention
That embarrassing thing I did in third grade
That embarrassing thing I did in fifth grade
That embarrassing thing I did in sixth grade
I cheated on my wife
I made another girl think I really loved her
I made another girl think we could run away together
Then I ran away without her
Blasphemy
I don't have a real job
I think I'm better at everything than I am
I think I'm superior to most everyone
I don't know what it feels like to be happy
I like futa
I cheat at my own goals
My family would be ashamed
My brother is a hikikamori and it's my fault
I scold him for it
I steal from family
I cannot empathize
I put down others to feel better
I do not want to live
I am self destructive
But not enough to count
I wear a mask around everyone
Except when I have a few beers
I listen to teenage girl scene music
I play garbage video games
I hate people who are like myself
No one cares
I lie to my spouse
I fantasize about her friends
I like cringy memes
I like memes
I think highly enough of memes to add them to this list
I prey on vulnerable women
By acting hopeless
I really am hopeless though
I seek approval in my writing
And I pretend I'm good at it
I'm too analytical
I play games no one cares about
I say things that aren't funny
I say things that aren't funny enough
And I laugh way too hard sometimes
I don't know how to keep a relationship going
And I can't make smalltalk with a straight face
I am a walking contradiction
I agree with both sides
I agree with neither side
I just want to be difficult
I insist on things that simply aren't true
And above all else I still think I'm going to heaven

I couldn't save her I couldn't save her I couldn't save her I couldn't save her I couldn't save her I couldn't ******* save her **** I couldnt save her she's gone she's gone she's ******* gone I couldn't ******* save her she's ******* gone and I couldn't do anything about it I couldn't save her I couldn't save her I couldn't I can't do this I can't do this without her she's ******* gone she's gone she's gone she's gone **** I couldn't save her

Unicorns
Fairies
Elves
Sinless Entities
Vampires
Goblins
Monsters
Stability
Dragons
Minotaurs
Ma­gic
The wage gap
Superpowers
Aliens
Ghosts

It doesn't take too much effort to spot all the fakers.
Social norms and expectations.
Everyone says we're the strange ones.
At least we're ourselves.
At least you know who we are.

Will it ever end?
Will I ever be free?
Chasing goal after goal,
Just to be dissatisfied.
Get Jesus,
Got Jesus.
Get the girl.
Got the girl.
Get out of Jersey.
Got out.
Lost Jesus.
Now I want stability,
What will I want next?
When will I be content?
When will desire
Cease to ensnare me?
Will my vanity go away?
I'm inclined to think not,
And it scares me.

We were just kids,
We thought we knew all the answers
But we couldn't agree on anything, and I
Tried to show you right from wrong you
Never knew what I meant by that and I
could've said more, but you know me and
You could've said less, but you know you

And you can't possibly know
Just how it feels to,
To know that I failed you,
To know that I could've done more.
Like I can't ever know
What it feels like,
To pump lead through my skull,
To leave my friends alone.

You always thought you knew best and you
Weren't afraid to let us all know it but
I'd let you be right if it'd mean you'd still be breathing.
You were brave and you were selfish but at least you were real
And I know I'm two years late but don't go.

That night
When you stole from your son,
When you
Broke up our family,
When Mom
Figured out she'd finally had enough.
I want you to
Know that night's the reason for all her flaws.
Institutionalized.
It's all because of how that night went down.
She said
"You took it for drugs didn't you?"
My stomach sank.
We ran from you because of what you did.
Selfish
Greedy and Stupid, I took Mike's money.

We ran from you.
I hope you know mom asked us first.
I was relieved, happy even, when I heard the news. You weren't a
Father to me. I doubt I was the son you wanted. We feared you. You broke us. I can count the good memories with you on one hand.
Hell, I wouldn't even be able to fill it.
I remember you took us to six flags. I remember getting sick as soon as we got to the hotel, and I remember you yelling at me on the car ride up for something I didn't do. I don't remember the rides. I don't remember anything else about our only family vacation.
I remember you telling me I couldn't be friends with the neighbor, and I remember your drinking.
One night you thought I was sleeping, and I learned why you wouldn't let me be friends with him. That night I learned what racism was.
I wouldn't leave my room on your days off, and I tried so hard to be good
When you were around. Tried to avoid conflict with you. Tried to avoid you, actually.
But even after living in hell for the first 12 years of my life, I'm not afraid of you anymore, dad. I'm afraid of myself.

I'm doing well I say as I enter
The church, giving what I can only imagine
Looks like the least sincere
Smile the greeter has ever
Bore witness to.
He doesn't pay notice as he happily bounces
To the person entering in behind me.
And I take my seat and they start to sing
And by the end of the song I'm
Holding back tears,
Not as one moved but as one realizing
He's not sure anymore, about any of this.
And I look out and see everyone having
Their own experiences and I know,
Not a single one of those is identical to mine.
But if you looked at us you'd see no difference
My distress and their worship,
One and the same, on the outside.
If you can't see a difference,
Then I'll fit right in.

I can't help but notice I've all but tricked myself.
Letting the little things pass by and almost missing them.
I almost had myself fooled.
I'm not happy, and I can never be happy.
I'm a failure. I set my goals and a couldn't meet them.
I'm not man enough.
**** everything, maybe this is the only option.
Maybe there's only one way out.
I can't seem to bring myself to care when I have to think about someone else.
All my interactions are fake.
I'm a **** online but that's the real me.
Hiding behind my computer.
Am I afraid? No, that can't be it.
That's too simple of a solution.
I'm just nothing. I've gave it all I had and it wasn't enough.
I'm a shell of who I once was. I used to look at people like me with disgust.
Now I look at who I was with envy.
Ignorance is bliss, and I was the dumbest of all for thinking I was smart then.
Even if he knew, it wouldn't have changed anything.
**** me.
I could be dead right now. That's the life, I bet.
I could be living on the street with no worries except my basic needs.
Would be simpler.
I could be graduating college right now on the Dean's list, and getting a well paying job, getting financial security, providing for my family.
I killed that dream a long time ago.
The real world *****.
I truly want no part in it.
I don't understand how people do it.
These cookie cutter lives.
I can't bring myself to. And believe me I'm trying.
I know I'm not the only one. I've met someone else like me.
Why isn't this thing more well known.
Why does everyone pretend everything's okay all the time?
I went to church last week.
I wouldn't answer if they asked how I was. They'd say good, or something along those lines.
Every one of them.
They don't care about you. I don't care about them. Can we just be honest about it?

I don't get it. How everyone can just
get together and
have a good time. I doubt they really
are. So many social queues to
pick up on. So many people faking
it. I try not to. I try to be open. To be as
transparent as possible. In the end, I'm
the biggest faker of them all. Why am I
here if I just want to be left alone?

I've gained weight.
All I do is ******* my wife and
Look at **** when she's at work or sleeping.
I don't have a job. I don't have a purpose.
I lay around all day I don't
Even pick up after myself.
You probably think I'm paralyzed or ill.
No just an ******* who quit without telling her
For three months.
I look at her friends with evil intent.
Even the young ones
Like my **** gives a **** if she's eighteen.
I'd never do it though;
Just harmless thoughts
Running through my head
On repeat.

Not that you can really say
"You're a bad person"
Since it doesn't matter anyway.
We'll all be dead eventually,
Forever at that.
What's it matter how any of us got there?

****.
This isn't how it all went down in my head
I thought everything would be better
If we just got away from it all
But I guess we never noticed
Our life back home was never the problem
I was

I can't help but scream sometimes
I can't help but curl up in a ball paralyzed
By thousands of thoughts whirling around my head
Stuck there for an eternity staring blankly at the wall
You come home from the graveyard and I pretend I was sleeping
You're working and I'm ****, leeching off you
I am helpless
I am hopeless
I'm not though, if I could just focus for a minute
I could turn our life around
But our life together's not the problem
It's me

I'm doing better these days

How could I be after all I've done?
And with everything I've put you all through
Things are looking up for me now
Everything's looking up

Most nights I don't sleep
You probably get that
Somehow we still act like its the same
Exactly the same
Life has yet to show me mercy
Feeling better though, promise

I'm no good
not for her, not for her
not for anyone
I've ruined my life
Our life
Sometimes I feel remorse
Right now I feel remorse
Right now I feel like ****
But what is "good" anyway?
What gives us the right to label anything so?
Well whether we have innate morality or not
I'm no good

I'm at my so called friend's wedding.
I can't even blame him for what he's done
After all we're half a year through it now
And I'm much worse off.
It makes you think.
At the time it was sacrilege to condone or even sympathize but here I am
He's a Saint next to me but no one knows or ever can.
I'd rather die than put anyone through that again.
It's pointless anyway when you try to think
There's no good **** reason why I should be trying but here I am not throwing in the towel quite yet regardless of what it looks like on the outside.
Barely alive but I guess still kicking.
I don't know how it's all gonna pan out from here but I've faced most of my fears already
Isn't that enough?

Can't stop feeling this way.
Every second, every day.
There's not much else to say.
If only there was a god
who'd take my pain away.
I haven't the courage to do it myself
Tonight.

I remember when we fell in love.
We were inseparable, you and I.
I don't know what happened and I'm brought to tears as I write this.
I'm not the man you thought I was,
The man I thought I was.
I couldn't manage not to **** this up.
Everything I do seems to upset you and we just want different things.
Every night what's left of me is torn to pieces
As I lie in that empty bed we share.
The man you married has hollowed, and what's left isn't enough.
Enough to call a man, that is.
You shouldn't have known, stop beating yourself up kid.
No one could've predicted my world collapsing the way it did.
I'm just sorry it's taking yours down too.

Why do I only seem to want the bad things out of life?
Ive been thrown a bone way too many times and still can't go a week without ruining everything I've built my life upon.
It's disgusting how little my upstanding virtues play a role in my decisions come time to put them into practice.
I've the strong moral conviction but no application,
The worst kind of person.
It can't all be true and it can't all be wrong.
I'm stuck in an existential headspin about a dozen times a week and
I know what I should think but I can't bring myself to care but it still keeps me up at night.
It shouldn't matter after all I'm just a spec on a rock floating alongside billions of others.
But if it does I'm ****** and I know it.
I died with my faith but I put on the closest thing I can to a happy face to keep a buffer of transient alien space so I don't have to show my morbid attitude.
None of it means a thing and I'm still coming unglued.
Still freaking out.

It hurts; all of it
I'd be lying if I said I was content with the way things were
With the way my life is
This isn't how I wanted it to go
I'm **** with you
I'm dead without you
What is one to do in my situation?
I can't ******* take it

There is nothing left for me
I've returned to my life
I'm going on as if we never happened
But I can't anymore;
You were here in my life
And I'm not who I was before you
I can't be him, I can't be me
I can't ******* take it

He's ****** up
And I can't get away
He draws my blood
I can't escape him, and I never will
How could I, when he's in my head
He screams at me most nights
But others, he abandons me
I cannot ******* take this anymore

Stop saying that, you're not at fault here
I'm the one who ****** up
I'm sorry you're the one getting punished
You deserve better, but I'm all you want
I'm nothing special, but I understand
I was once in the same boat
I'm still supposed to be there
I'm done