Sitting on the floor in the middle of the room
I scrape my hand on the inside of the bowl
And shovel gruel into my mouth.
Starving, I scoop another handful down my gullet.
Something wet lands in my lap
I look down and see my stomach burst open, slop spilling out.
A crowded room and no one notices.
I stop eating to catch my breath
Their heads all whip to my direction
Eyes locking on me.
My stomach growls
I scoop another handful.
Everyone goes back to what they were doing.
It's probably better this way.

Bar with friends
I don't Know
Them and I
Don't know me
Overwhelmed
By feelings
Of disgust
I want death
To myself

Leaving home is always more difficult than you anticipate
It's not just losing your friends or learning new roads
It's all the little things you don't think about before you go
No one knows your favorite convenience store
No one remembers that twenty-five cent palm reader in the K-mart that closed down a few years back
No one can sing along to the radio jingles you've grown up with
And that goes both ways
It's a wonder anyone can make friends as an adult
I want to go back home

I went out in the dust storm yesterday
Sepia clouds filling the sky, but just on one side
Dense clouds obscuring the east
Clear as day over the shoulder

In moments I was engulfed
And I said goodbye to the westward sun
As the grains of sand, one by one
Pelted me in the face

Engulfed in earth
Baptised by the world
Out of vanity is my unbirth
And I don't even flinch

No dad, I can't walk any faster.
I'm ten years old, my legs
Are half the size as of yours.




That's what I should've said.

Last night I dreamt I jumped from a plane,
Only I didn't have a parachute.
I can't recall if I elected to leave it behind or just forgot,
But I don't think that's what's important.
I dove headfirst into the concrete.

I don't know how to describe this aura on me.
Nothingness? That's the best I can do, I guess.
How did I become who I am?
Who was I, and what changed?
I didn't always feel this way.

I don't know how to act when women are involved
The world doesn't want my kind to begin with
Lack of significant motivation to get anything done
My wife thinks I think God is real
I'd find out if God is real
My voice is too nasally
I waste my wife's money
I can't figure out how to be normal
My dad is an alcoholic
I'm an alcoholic
I burden everyone I'm around
I seek attention
I don't want attention
That embarrassing thing I did in third grade
That embarrassing thing I did in fifth grade
That embarrassing thing I did in sixth grade
I cheated on my wife
I made another girl think I really loved her
I made another girl think we could run away together
Then I ran away without her
Blasphemy
I don't have a real job
I think I'm better at everything than I am
I think I'm superior to most everyone
I don't know what it feels like to be happy
I like futa
I cheat at my own goals
My family would be ashamed
My brother is a hikikamori and it's my fault
I scold him for it
I steal from family
I cannot empathize
I put down others to feel better
I do not want to live
I am self destructive
But not enough to count
I wear a mask around everyone
Except when I have a few beers
I listen to teenage girl scene music
I play garbage video games
I hate people who are like myself
No one cares
I lie to my spouse
I fantasize about her friends
I like cringy memes
I like memes
I think highly enough of memes to add them to this list
I prey on vulnerable women
By acting hopeless
I really am hopeless though
I seek approval in my writing
And I pretend I'm good at it
I'm too analytical
I play games no one cares about
I say things that aren't funny
I say things that aren't funny enough
And I laugh way too hard sometimes
I don't know how to keep a relationship going
And I can't make smalltalk with a straight face
I am a walking contradiction
I agree with both sides
I agree with neither side
I just want to be difficult
I insist on things that simply aren't true
And above all else I still think I'm going to heaven