Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
ficklesouls Sep 2013
"I still love you"
How dare you tell me something like that
I could actually believe you
I see you eyeing the lit cigarette in my mouth
Wanting to either take it from my possession and smoke it yourself
Or throw it into the lake in front of us and watch it drown with your deception
This cigarette tastes just like your kisses used to
I don't know if that's good or bad
I always did fancy a good old fashioned poison
In the form of love
I still haven't said a word
You repeat yourself
"I still love you"
I see you trying to look me in the eyes for some sort of reciprocation
You'll never hear me tell you that I still love you too
Even if I do
"You have a girlfriend to love"
Your jaw clenches
You have no reason to be agitated
You brought this on yourself
"But I love you more"
"But you still love her"
You are silent
I throw my finished cigarette into the lake in front of us
I stand up
Dust off my bewilderment
And walk away
The wind barely catches my whisper as I walk
"I still love you too"
I am bad at words
ficklesouls Nov 2013
It seems that every time my mind wanders to the thought of you,
My heart literally begins to hurt.
But I'm not trying to be immature about it,
I literally have chest pains that are usually caused by high stress levels.
You know sometimes just the thought of you makes me want to swallow a knife,
But I was diagnosed with a mental disorder a long time ago.
So don't you worry if I actually do.
Quite frankly, as far as everyone else is concerned,
It wasn't and couldn't have been your fault.
You know some nights after we argue I cry myself to sleep,
But don't you worry about that,
I've been called worse things by you before.
It seems as though this relationship has put both of us in quite the predicament,
With two people sitting pretty on the edge of insanity,
It probably won't end well.
But don't you worry about that either dear,
Because we're both already dead anyway.
Guess who's feeling angsty
ficklesouls Sep 2013
I try my hardest to find someone to escape myself with
I find a person that makes it easiest for me to stray from my darkest thoughts
I've been running from myself since I was a child
Does that make me childish, that I try so hard to escape my own faults?
Or does it rather, make me human?
I go to people to get away from me, that makes me a terrible person right?
I’m like a leech
I **** the happiness and wisdom from those around me until they burn me off
That could only mean I’m better off alone right?
I am writing this piece about myself, that makes me conceited, right?
I found this in my old journal
ficklesouls Sep 2013
To win the heart of a disheartened person
Is not to savagely dominate
We must hear more than the lust and desire
We must find the true calming sinew in your voice

To love a disheartened person is no easy task
We are not accustomed to the sedation of a true "I love you"
A disheartened person does not trust love
We run from its lies and its heartache
Please understand
I run from love
Not you
ficklesouls Sep 2013
That night was the best and worst night of my life
You helped me up off the floor
Both literally and metaphorically
There was something forceful to the way you said my name
When you walked into the room witnessing me unzip my veins

I don't remember what happened after the moment when you rushed over to me
I think I passed out from blood loss
I might have fallen faint from emotion overdose
All I remember is waking up on a couch in your arms covered in bandages

You told me that you'd be there with me forever
And that night was the best and worst part of my life
Because for a while that was true
And my veins remained untouched
And then you left me

I don't really remember what happened after you left
But I'm still here today
I mean I guess you could say that I'm physically here
But my mind and my spirit always drift off to search for you
And they scream out "you promised"

You see when my spirit and mind leave me
I can't control my physical self very well
And my physical self has the tendency to search for the inner workings of my veins
Just as my mind and spirit search for you
(My physical self is looking for you too
It knows that you're somewhere in there)

That night was the best and worst part of my life
For many ludicrous reasons
The funniest thing about it all
Is that I believed a beloved liar would keep my veins mended
ficklesouls Sep 2013
I'm on the edge of nowhere
Feeling awfully bitter and cynical
And worn down
Pondering what it is about me that keeps him out
Because all I ever do is love him when he's sad
And happy
And lost
And angry enough to burn holes in once cherished photographs
Now he's smiling
And laughing
And he's in need of no reassurance
He's the reason I'm failing tests and zoning out at the dinner table
All that is left in me is static
I just hope he knows
That I've never wished unhappiness on anyone until now
ficklesouls Sep 2013
I think I was alive once
But I don't believe I am any-more
There are a few gaping gashes on my upper thighs
That keep telling me that if I am
I won't be for much longer

I tried digging my aches out
I tried burning my aches up
And cutting them open seemed to be the only viable way
Of letting them all escape

There are a few gaping gashes on my upper thighs
And they won't stop asking me questions
"Did he really mean it?"
"Why would you do that?"
"Why are you such a monster?"
So I dig a little deeper
Into the gashes in my thighs
And yet again
I find no answers in the droplets of blood

You see the thing is
The sea will never stop asking me for a kiss
The rope will never stop telling me to make it a noose
The gashes on my thighs will never stop asking me questions
My phone will never tell me not to answer your call
And I don't think I'm strong enough
To resist those poisonous addictions

I think I was alive once
I think I died a long time ago
I think my thighs are a mausoleum of dead flesh
I think my thoughts have finally stopped processing
I think everything is finally over
ficklesouls Sep 2013
I've developed a bad habit
Of biting my lips until the skin won't tear
Which I never did when you were around
Because you always liked them perfectly glossed
I don't fall asleep with my phone near my ear now
But apparently that gives you cancer anyway
(I hope you don't get cancer
While you're talking to your new lover)
And I have quite a few more glasses of ***** now than I ever did
And my laugh just isn't as loud and vibrant
And my daily make-up routine is much more complex
And I can't listen to certain songs anymore
And I sometimes wonder if I'll ever feel loved again
If anyone could pretend to care as much as you did
But I haven't given up hope quite yet
ficklesouls Oct 2013
I began writing this at noon
And I didn't know how to begin it
All I knew was that there was nothing that could get you off my mind
So my mind wandered aimlessly through its skewed memories of you,
As it always does
Until it abruptly stopped on the day you left for the first time

I saw the signs in every curve and crack
It said it in every detail in your face,
That was so apparent in the dull light
"I don't love you any-more"
The look of disdain on my face was so perfectly familiar to you
And the sulk in your step as you walked away was brand new to me  

So here I am over a year after you turned and left for the first time
Retracting my steps wondering where it all went wrong and why
Drowning myself in my own thoughts
And from time to time,
I think I know why the thought of you makes me cry
But then I remember
That the real you was never even mine
Loosely based on "See You In Vancouver" by La Dispute
ficklesouls Sep 2013
One of the most difficult things I’ll ever do
Is choose to let you go
To move past you and your sweet nothings

I’m scared to give up the things you left behind
I’ve clung to your words, sewn them into my skull
The sweater you left has held me more nights than you ever did
And although the love you claimed to have had for me was never true
It was what urged me to make myself better
Prettier
Smarter
Wiser
I was willing to do anything to make me a better me
But only if it was for you
And I fear that letting you go
Will put me back to square one
ficklesouls Oct 2013
Her voice screamed
"You have no reason to be depressed
Your life is just fine"
But she doesn't know that my mind
Constantly rots away because of it and
She doesn't know that my heart
Is always filled with doubt
And all I need her to understand
Is that my life may be fine
But I am not
ficklesouls Sep 2013
There are many things that I am
Cynical and sarcastic
Sardonic and witty
Lazy and nostalgic
But one thing that I am not
Is yours
ficklesouls Sep 2013
There are bright lights in my eyes
I'm dressed in all white
This was the final battle
And I've lost the fight

My flesh has become a canvas
There are tubes clenching my arms
I have a painstaking ache to be free
And these doctors won't stop the alarms

I've broken free of the bed
And traced my pains on the wall
My eyes scan the room blankly
And on you they don't fall

These mutilated arms long to hold you
Waiting for everyone to leave is a chore
I've missed you too long, dear
I'll just fall to the floor

The doctors are gone now
And I didn't yell
When I slipped from the window
And laughed as I fell

I've been longing too long
My mind's finally cracked
All I needed to live
Was for you to come back
ficklesouls Sep 2013
Holy water cannot help me now
I've come to burn your kingdom down
No rivers and no lakes can put the fire out
I'm going to raise the stakes,
I'm going to smoke you out

I'll wash away all the attachment
And I'll annihilate my emotions
I won't look back even for an instant
I no longer owe you my devotion

You see I was dead when I woke up this morning
And I'll be dead before the day is done
There are seven devils all around me
There are seven devils in my heart

I've felt the burning in my soul
And the pain you've caused has taken a toll
My heart has a gaping hole
Where my emotions used to be

There are seven devils all around me
There are seven devils in my heart
I've been dead since that dreary morning
I was dead before I picked up that gun
Based on Florence + The Machine's song seven devils
ficklesouls Oct 2013
I remember the darkness
It was so thick I couldn't see
And the demons in my closet
Were my only companions

The light tried to shine through
The warmth almost reached me too
But the darkness overcame me
And I was alone again
ficklesouls Sep 2013
You found the worst in me
That's why you had to leave
I never wanted to be loved by anyone
Until I heard the way you told me that you loved me
Until you woke me up at 3am to go on a walk to who knows where
I never wanted to be loved by anyone
Until I was loved by you
You finally came close enough to find the real me
And that's when you tried to mend the torn parts of my soul
With kind words and constant compliments and a few grams of your own kind of happiness
You knew that if you came too close you'd be just as ****** up as I was
And you couldn't let that happen
You couldn't fix the unfixable
You couldn't love the unlovable
That's why you had to leave
I never wanted to be loved by anyone
Until you tried your hardest to make me feel again
ficklesouls Sep 2013
The plastic is still on the lamps in the living room
And some of the wrapping is still on the television downstairs
They both serve as tiny reminders
That this house is not a home
The closet in the basement still squeaks no matter how gently you open it
And the dishwasher's hinges creak no matter how fast you close it
They both serve as tiny reminders
That no matter how much you may want something to be otherwise
Sometimes it just isn't going to happen
The red smear at the bottom of the bathtub
And the faded lines that litter my upper thighs
Both serve as tiny reminders
Of the nights that I just wasn't strong enough
But that same smear of blood at the bottom of the bathtub
And those same scars on my legs
Both serve as tiny reminders
That I had just as much will to continue on
As the amount of will I had to cause them
ficklesouls Sep 2013
This is the darkest that I've ever felt
You know that
You've known that for a long time
You didn't have to tell me that you cared you know
You could've taken your outing just like everyone else has
My mind has been a dark place for years
But you're just now deciding to recognize it?
*******
I'm tired of writing about you
I'm tired of caring about you
I'm tired of loving you
In all honesty
I just wish I never met you
ficklesouls Oct 2013
Two hands
Longing for each other's warmth
Searching for one another
In the darkness

Their fingers tremble
Finding comfort in their suffering
They inch a tiny bit closer
Such a simple thing meant so much more

Their hands finally become one
The darkness became weary
Their interlocked bones gave their hearts a place to rest
When pain and fear had turned and left
This is very messy and I am very sad
ficklesouls Oct 2013
My head is crowded
With thoughts of you
Like how your subtle smirk
Can light up an entire room
Or how your eyes glisten
When you see something you love
And how they never do that
When you look at me
ficklesouls Oct 2013
You stole my heart when
You first said my name
You broke my heart when
You left me

— The End —