Scared

I had a moment
A moment of real happiness
A silly loving happy moment
It felt like learning to laugh again but also strange
It really was a good moment

But I'm scared
Scared to fail
Scared to ruin this
Scared of never being enough

I feel like it's unfair to you
Like I'm not worthy of love

What if I don't find my will to live
What if I keep seeing you but I still break

I feel like you are worth more than my misery.
It's ironic how we're struggling with the opposite things

Me scared to live and you scared of dying

I really try to let you in but I could never tell you everything. Even tho I think you might understand. I'm so scared of that pitty look in your eyes.

It's hard to explain but I feel guilty dating you. Don't get me wrong I do like you but it feels like Im doing something wrong

My head is filled with all these thoughts
Dark thoughts
It never stops, it just keeps spinning, keeps molding.

It keeps dreaming, wishing and hoping

On a way out of this live
Dark thoughts but peaceful to plan

In a dark tunnel with only one way out
Only one solution

The tunnel is full of agony. Can't stay in here for much longer.

Longing for the end
Longing to be free
The best gift I could receive is the dead to me

I'm done
Done faking a smile
Done acting like I'm fine
Because I'm not!

When I was a kid I felt like there was no place for me not to be okay.
Everybody was to busy with other problems.
Mental health of my brother, the ****** up partners of my mother, the addiction of my brother.
I felt like I needed to be okay, but I hate they always assumed I was fine. Because I feel like i never was.
I'm not fine!
But I got so good in faking a smile, I don't know how to take the mask off anymore.

I have no clue who I am

I got to good in hiding inside, I don't know how to get out. So stuck inside

I want to take the mask off
But I'm scared of how people would react

I'm scared
But not only of how they would react
But of the real me
Scared of letting go
Scared of hurting others by letting go

I think about the letters I want to write to people when I say goodbye to the word

I think about leaving every day
The only time I wanted to keep on living was when I was with you
I thank you for that but I also hate it!
It's like it only got worse since then

I forgot how to fight that feeling
Forgot how I kept going

I used to think it would get better when I have my degree and then my dream job. But now I don't know what to look forward to. I don't know what to dream for. I lost hope of things getting better. So I only dream of saying goodbye. I dream of different ways to say goodbye.

I think of all the letters I want to write and some time I even start writing them.

So why I'm a still alive?

For the people how know me and would read this?

How do you even start to explain??
How do you explain that you wished you were dead from the age of 11

Of do you explain that a smiley girl was secretly dying inside.

I always thought love was enough
I thought things didn’t mather that mutch as long that you love each other
I’m not saying I thought it would be sunshine and rainbows all the time

But you get thru it whit love and for love, right?

But you sed you loved me, you say you still do?
So are you lying or do I have so much wrong

doesn’t every couple make sacrifices for each other?
isn’t everybody scared of what’s coming?

or am I so hard to live whit? maybe it isn’t love maybe it’s just me?
is a future whit me so much more scaring than a future alone?

Just tell me you don’t love me
because it’s so much worse to love me and not wanting to be whit me than just not loving me at all.

A breakup hurts and that totally normal
I just lost someone I love
And it’s strange how everything changes in a few minutes
Because of those few words
Left me whit so many questions
Left me empty and hurt

But the fact that you don’t  wanna be whit me anymore doesn’t hurt the most
It’s the reason why
At this moment I wanna be mad at you but I cant
I’m mad at my self, mad on my own body

I already hated my body, but I didn’t think it affected other people.
Having to hear my body, my ******* disease is the reason you can’t be whit me
HURTS
It took me long enough to accept I’ll never get better
It took me longer to believe I still deserve to be whit someone, to believe something like a disease or illness shouldn’t matter when you love someone.

Now you make me dought what took me so long to believe, now you make me dought myself.
But I’m strong!  I can still do what I want and I will still have the greatest adventures, I’ll prove that to you. I’m not saying I’ll be painless or everything will go easy but I won’t make it influence my dreams.

But for love, you can *******

In dark times
A flower closes
He won’t open till the light is back in his life
Maybe it would be easy to be a flower
Just turning away, closing my eyes when it's dark
But we're not
We can’t turn away and wish everything will be ok
You’ll have to do something
Because time won’t be standing still
Even if you are

It’s dark
the flowers close
The water lily that was showing its self at the light now closed
Hiding away from the dark
Away till the light returns again
Keeping itself warm and tight
It would be easy
To easy
We’re not flowers
We can’t just wait in dark time’s and hide
We can’t aspect that the light will come back when we hide in a dark room
You must get up and put on the light
Don’t wait till someone else does it for you
Because they may not know you are in a dark room
There light may blind them
But just put on the light and open up
Show yourself, show how strong you are

Always looking forward to what comes next
to the good that is coming
knowing everything will change
the puzzle of your life will come together
Just dream your dream and don’t give up
fight for it
life may **** right now but it will change
you won’t be in this place forever
you still have a whole life ahead of you
But that view changed
It changed the day they told me the pain won’t go away
that changed the day they told me to change my life whit no hope of getting better
the day they told me I was chronically ill and it has no treatment no cure
Now I don’t know what I’m fighting for
every day I wake up knowing it only gets worse
not knowing how long I can do this
Feeling like I can’t handle anymore but it’s just the beginning
so please tell me what I’m I fighting for
because I don’t see the good in what's coming

Yes i fell
and i fell in the wrong place
so I fell on the cold hard ground
no arms no pillows just ground
so yes it hurt
it felt like they were beating me in a 1000 pieces
but I’m ok now
the bruises are gone
the wounds have healed but the scars are there to stay  
but I’m standing on my legs again
and I’m trying to look away
not from a problem
but away from the past
into the future
am I scared ?
aren’t we all?
but what are we scared of ?
were never scared of the worst part

LOOK
I looked
I started to see.
How little I actually am.
How small compared to the mountens and the sea.
But it doesn't make me feel weak.
It makes me feel strong.
Like nothing can touch me.
Cause nobody could make these beautiful scense go away.
Cause every person is as little as I am.
Nobody can make the world stop turning.
Nobody can make the sun stop turning red when its going in to the sea.
Everybody is as little as me

I don’t wish I could turn back time.
I’ll probably try the same stupid things again.
because I would think they may turn out better this time,
because it is worth the risk.
just taking the chances I get.
do my decisions look stupid to you?
well maybe they are,
but maybe they aren’t
maybe it works out fine ,even great.
time will tell.
but nobody can tell me what tomorrow will bring,
nobody can tell me how everything is going to be.
so I’m going to do what seems right to me.

If you don't wanne be a part of my life,    
                 stay out of it
If you don't love me
                don't make me love you
If you don't need me
                don't use me
If you don't mean it
                don't say it
I'm not a battery you can drown and recharge, i'm a human just like everyone else and I don't know about you but I have feelings and I think about what someone says or does. Maybe I think to mutch but thats just me and i'm not changing

When people ask me to tell them about myself
to tell them who I am
I always tell them I’m not good in that, to just ask me what they want to know
but
actually
I just don’t know
I just don’t know who I am
who am I?
I just want someone to say to me I see who you really are
but how could anybody say that
when I don’t even know who I am anymore
I always wanted to be that  girl I used to be the one who always laughed
but now I don’t know if that was ever true
people think I’m that girl now
but it’s just an act
it’s just because I don’t want to be the person who always isn’t oke the person they worry about
I really feel alone because I just can’t talk to anyone about these things
I need to talk about soo much
and to take the mask off to let the real feelings out
but it just goes natural as If my real feelings are fake and the fake ones real

I feel like my world is crashing down
like I’m the strange girl waking around
like I belong nowhere
I feel like everything is wrong
I’m sick of everything
I’m sick of putting up a smile I don’t mean
tired of not being able to talk
I wish I was the one that was gone
I feel like I’m out if control of everything
not even being able to cut open my arms I want to but I don’t want people to see it
it would be just one pain that I could control
I’m so tired of everything
I don’t know what to do anymore
I miss someone I could talk to, to the real me
I don’t even know who I am anymore
I feel like I hate myself
I want this to end
I really just want it to be over
I don’t want to hear my brother scream anymore
I don’t want to see my mom unhappy anymore
and I don’t want to see her in any pain anymore
and I want my dad to give me u hug and say I know your not fine
I want my little brother to grow up  in a different place
not like this
like screaming people are normal
like the smell of **** is normal
like all this stress is normal
because it’s not it can’t be normal

Loosing optimism
Always looking forward to what comes next
to the good that is coming
knowing everything will change
the puzzle of your life will come together
Just dream your dream and don’t give up
fight for it
life may **** right now but it will change
you won’t be in this place forever
you still have a whole life a head of you
But that view changed
It changed the day they told me the pain won’t go away
that changed the day they told me to change my life whit no hope of getting better
the day they told me I was chronically ill and it has no treatment  no cure
Now I don’t know what I’m fighting for
every day I wake up knowing it only gets worse
not knowing how long I can do this
Feeling like I can’t handle anymore but it’s just the beginning
so please tell me what I’m I fighting for
because I don’t see the good that is coming

that day

My alarm goes off, brainfogg turns on
Just 10 min more and i’ll feel oke, eeuhm not stop telling that lie to yourself
Get out of bed, get dressed
Black spots everywhere, just sit and don’t faint

Keep telling yourself you’ll be owkey
Wondering should i visit the doctor? everything hurts i don’t think that's normal
Ow right i have fibromyalgia
They tell me i have to accept that, that you have to learn to live with it and don’t fight it
Yeah tell me i’m depressed
Easy said isn’t it
You can go home just made a lot of money for what ?
For telling me i’m never getting better, just hope you don’t get worse
For telling me i’m depressed and i just have to accept
For telling me to change my hole life; stop working, stay to the same routine but when i ask you how that is even possible without money etc you don’t have an answer

How can i accept something i never wanted
How can i accept something that makes everyday so ******* hard
How can i accept something that hurts me all the time
It’s like telling someone to accept their abusive partner that hurts them everyday

Don’t tell me i need to stop fighting it!! because the moment i stop fighting it i’ll stop fighting the urge to make an end to it all

And don’t compare my pain to a pain you had when you walked for hours and whit a heavy backpack and your shoulder started to ache  and you could think away the pain.
I dont have the energy to think away the pain every ******* second of the day

But you are right about one thing: yes i am depressed i’ve been that way for a long time now
But you were the first person to ever tell me that. the first person where i dropped my act and you didn’t do **** about it.
I told you i rather wanted to be terminally ill than to have this and you just told me to accept it