Liberation feels good
Freedom feels great
Self-expression is blooming
Even on these lazy days
I occupy my time with
Happy stories of the past
I twiddle my thumbs
With a complacent smile
Etched upon my face

Emotional regression
I’m curled in a ball
Eyes bloodshot and sight blurred from tears
Flashbacks of the middle school pains bubble up inside me
I swallow hard
Push down the memories and the taste of bile
I’m not a prepubescent thirteen year old
Those days are far-gone
I’m strong and independent
Yet somehow you shake me

I wormed my way into your arms
Your head, your pants
Because I thought you'd feel the love
I missed your touch, your strenght
When I look back- think back then play it back in my head
I just want to tear out every strand of long dark curly hair
How could I be so stupid?
Physicality is not equated to love.
     just because you had traced my curves with your fingertips
     just because you had kissed me in the soft breeze of summer
     just because you had whispered sweet nothings in my ear, but nothing is ever sweet
How could I have thought you'd love me again?
How could I have thought you would again care?
I'm sorry but I've had enough of this *relationship relapse

That gold Saturn haunts my dreams
Kurt Cobain can't sing over my buzzing thoughts
I need to remind myself to breath
I scream
I scream
I SCREAM... yet no sound comes out
Drunken Fetus
The womb should protect
     Yet it poisons
They say I'm crazy
    my therapist doesn't agree
You're privileged beyond imagination, stop wallowing in self pity
His regrets have ruined my bliss
All I remember is the strobe lights illuminating the Constitution and the whisper SHOUTING over the mix of techno and Bohemian Rhapsody
     He is just a faceless memory
*** Drugs Rock 'n Roll, I wish
Noseless
That gray cat's face is so ugly  it's kinda cute
Newly christened shot glasses
The cancer and chemo have eaten away at his patience
Illusions of happiness
I hate her
I hate her
I hate her
     but she gave me life
White seas shells on head stones
God I Miss you...

You sit there
In the corner of my too neat room
Arms crossed behind your head

While I shoot daggers at you
The memories of what we used to be sear the inside of my eyeballs
And I remember how when we would touch nothing else mattered
When we were together we were unstoppable


And I wonder how you ended up in my bed room
After 8 months of having you out of my life you’ve somehow wormed your way back in
After 8 months of living oceans away from you you’ve somehow convinced me we should be friends
After 8 months of recovering from the tornado called you that wreaked havoc on my life you’re back
And you’re sitting there like you own the place
You’re sitting there and your confidence and sense of self fill the room
….it’s overbearing

You look up from your iphone
I’m practically huddled in the corner of my queen-sized bed afraid of what you may do and you ask
‘So there’s no chance of us having *** tonight?’

Really?
Wait, really?
That's all you have to say?
After the tears
After the fights
After everything
That’s what your interested in
I shake my head no
And I hope that will be enough to make you leave

This is my safe haven
This is my home
This is the place I don’t have to hide, usually
I hope you’ll go home
Just stand up and walk away
But no
Tonight you want to talk
You ask me why
WHY?
Are you serious?!
Did you seriously just ask that?
Here’s why
You drank me up like you were dehydrated and I was the only fresh spring in miles
I opened up to you
I gave you my soul
I shared with you my emotions (the bits and pieces I don’t generally give away)
And you drank them up
You gave me nothing in return
I was empty
All that was left was useless mud

The way I feel about you is not the way you feel about me
So why should I do this to myself
What’s between you and me, it isn’t healthy for me
So, no, we aren’t going to have ***
Finally you get up saying it’s time you should leave
I’m silently thanking God

And as I’m walking you out from the corner of the basement where my room is you grab me
We’re on the dark steps and you hug me
You hold me so close
And for every bit of that closeness that you're holding me next to your body I’m holding my happy dolphin pillow pet
And you hug me
And I touch its soft fur
And you breathe into me
And I remember just how blue my dolphin is in the light
And you’re breathing in my ear and I’m thinking BLUE BLUE BLUE
And you say in my ear that I was wrong
You feel the same way
When we’re together we can move mountains
We can do anything
And you whisper it
Even though no one’s around
And I’m focusing on my breathing and just how blue my blue dolphin is
And you kiss me
And you kiss me again
Then you kiss me once more and I…
I kiss you back