Feeler

Feeler Nov 2013

I think it's hard being with me, like standing amidst a tornado, the destructive kind,
that rips apart houses built on memories and
hope.
The kind that brings down freezing rains and
doubt.
I think it's hard being with me, with my need to hold you so close and
never let you go,
for fear that without you near, I may collapse and bleed out from my chest because
without you,
my ribs will not hold my heart firmly in place.
I'm difficult to be with.
I sing. But I sing too loud and I cry, but my tears are too much and I laugh
but it echos about and leaves behind a need for closure.
I'm difficult to be with, but you love me anyway, and some days,
I'm not so sure why. You say it's the way I smile,
that it's like the sun rising on the dark valley that is your mind,
causing bloom to the dormant flowers that are your thoughts.
You say it's the way I laugh, that it's like
feeling the breeze on your face first thing in the morning after a long and weary rest.
You say I'm not so hard to love, that love
is the freckle in my eye and way our bodies fit perfectly together, that
not only is it not hard to love me, but it's
the best decision you've ever made
and that a day without me
is the end of living as you know it. Completely aware
that life will go on because it must
but that the air within your lungs will become dust
inhaled and exhaled
from your lips that will freeze over without a purpose,
no love to mutter.
God gave you me, you think, as the one to keep the spark alive that keeps your heart beating,
just for me, you say.
You say so much, but every bit of it I beg for off your tender lips
that I love so dearly to kiss.

I think I'm hard to love,
you think I'm crazy.

Maybe I'm crazy.

Feeler Nov 2013

God made we

God made children with little reason and a lot of faith and
feet just large enough to run but not too quickly as to
run away from those that love them the most.

God made adults with big heads and even less reason and
hands just large enough to crush hearts but nimble enough to
sew them back together if they want.

He made the sea vast like our imaginations with the purpose of exploration and
the sky without bounds as to resemble our hope and faith but only
if one has the purpose to let go.

He made your eyes my favorite shade of green and your smile as wide as your ears and
your arms just wide enough to hold the world, if your world is me but
only close enough for our hearts to become one.

God made my childhood full of destruction, devastation and
trials just enough to scare me straight but
not enough to hold me back.

God made you and God made me. Little did I know, God made
we.

Feeler Nov 2013

Wonderland Love

The wind was cold and the air crisp in our lungs
but the streets were clear of ice and the yards barren of snow. Our Alaskan winter just wasn't
Alaskan.
But down came the snow and your giggles of joy erupted from your gorgeous belly as you skated over the ice in your CivNasty,
giggling the whole way. Your joy is nothing but contagious as your smile consumes your face.
My PTSD vanishing as I hold your hand drifting around corners. We're everything but safe,
completely immersed in a fairy tale that is our love story
making donuts in parking lots
and love beneath sheets.
Risky business. Make love to me in this winter wonderland beneath the blankets of white snow and grey clouds engulfing us in the love that is the warmth of our limbs intertwined together.
Whisper secrets to my goosebumps,
My lover.

Feeler Nov 2013

untitled

If I lost you,
oh dear if ever I lost you, like truly never again in my life, the sun has gone and the ocean weeps,
dearest I'd wither if ever... if ever I lost you.
The firmly beating muscle in my chest that somehow keeps these wheels still turning,
it'd forget how to beat, tripping uselessly over its own feet
plunging deep into the depths of dusty sorrow,
its permanent bar stool in the corner of the bar meant to drown memories in the stinging burn of patron.
Dear,
if truth be told you turned your beautifully sculpted back on me and walked a straight line out of my life,
I'd ask for the directions to the plank. Jumping, free falling into the ocean of tears I cried myself to drown myself.
Your presence, simply your presence, is the difference of a sunless sky or the bright burning ball of inspiration showering love over my life.

Feeler Oct 2013

Wishful Thinking

I'll tell you I love you but never how much.
I'll cry in front of you but behind my hands where you can't follow the stream with your eyes.
My tears are like rivers.
I'll hold you til I fall asleep and wish we never woke up,
jump on the back of a bird and fly away to space, never easily brought back.
I promise I will rarely ever make sense
and I'll do everything in my power to avoid doing the dishes after I cook.
I'll try on the skin of a woman with confidence but shed it before I climb back under the covers.
I'm naked.
This make-up is an opportunity to convince myself I'm beautiful,
that my smile is something strangers don't hate to look at
and that maybe I can make your heart beat a little quicker.
I wish I knew better,
better than to believe what I know is truth.
I've always wanted a telescope so that I could look with one I shut at the universe high above and below me.
That maybe I could put into perspective why I feel so small and insignificant.
Remember that time you asked me if I was happy and I looked at you like you just asked me what I was wearing two weeks ago?
I am not sure what that means anymore,
even the dictionary blurs when I try to read it.

If you want to write me a love song, make it sincere
and when you read it to me, sing it like you mean it because I'm ripping open my rib cage and letting my heart fall out on the floor beneath your feet.
I'm not sure what you intend to do with the sweetness in your voice
but remember I don't prefer light words
or heavy ones, for that matter, that weigh down your being
like rocks sewn into your ankles.
There's no use pouring water into a cup that's already full,
are you still listening?
Do the butterflies in my tummy tell me lies
or do you really love me enough to stick around through my times of intense thunderstorms?
Through the constant down pour of insecurities and made up truths?
I can't breathe sometimes
so I take your lips to mine and breathe in the breath in your lungs
hoping to survive solely on the dreams that nestle in the comfort of your mind.
I'm burning like a candle
smoking til my wick burns down
buried deep beneath the lost promises you've made.

If there's one thing you could do for me
and I'd never ask for anything more,
I'd beg of you to wish for me.
Wish for days that start with sun and end with the milky sky hanging light over my unburdened head.
Wish for hot coffee in my cup,
clean dishes in my cupboard,
a self ran washing machine
and a reason to wake up and smile
because I forgot how to laugh for a second there and when I reached for your hand,
you weren't there.
I'm all over the place and I wish I had a map
other than the one I drew connecting the points of your skin I've managed to kiss.
I love your lips.

Feeler Oct 2013

High Notes

Sometimes I want to throw chimes at your head so that maybe you'll respond on a high note. Your words are silence on speed, morphed to seep through the air on a mission from the icy depths of rejection. I'm not sure how things turn so quickly, but they do and I'm not one to question the universe. It's been around for a lot longer than I have. Your superiority complex has a complex of it's own, I've never seen an ego as big as yours high on anger. Cut back on the steroids meat-head.
I just get so **** angry that I always have to be the bigger person. These shoes are too big. I want baby feet and baby shoes to go along with. I'm not ready to give up my grade school ways, yet I already have. **** you for having stubbornness stronger than mine. I lose in every contest we have. Yet another first place ribbon I can pin onto your gorgeous chest. ***** you for being so **** good looking. I just want to throw ugly on your face and hope it sticks, maybe lick it off later when I don't hate you so much. You make me sick.
I can go zero to ten in seconds flat, Kenyans don't have **** on me, my soles run down to a millimeter thin. I've got a headache just piecing together the puzzle that is your behavior. You're dancing circles around me and it's making my head spin. What used to be my angel is the very thing making me beg I had one. God must be laughing because I tell you what, I'm burning at both ends. I feel like you've taken me and shook me out, spun me around and shook me again, holding me by my pleading and sensitivity, you ring me out like a soaking cloth. I'm withering away, blowing in the wind, scattered--
I can't take this **** anymore. You burn through me. I want to puke my guts from my stomach and rid myself of every word you say that I soak up like a ******* sponge.
I can't take it anymore.

Feeler Oct 2013

Monsters

I stopped looking for monsters when I realized I was one
with my innate ability to slice you, insides cascading with a pool of blood surrounding your body, wide the **** open.
I gave up on my search when the mirror, toothpaste stains, reflected exactly the monster I searched for deep within the eyes of family, friends and strangers alike. **** those deceitful eyes, wide with false innocence. I dine with the devil, cooking him the burning flesh of the hopeless souls defeated by his beautiful lies.
I remember the day I fell,
my heart was a puddle beneath my feet and hope a flower smashed in my hands. I was deserted, left for dead by the people meant to love me the most. And there it was, a life--if you could call it that--free of broken promises used as the building blocks of the foundation that creates the ruthless world we live in.
I stopped looking for monsters when I realized it wasn't my heart that produced the thumping in my chest. A hollow cavity with squishing like mac and cheese, cheesy wet noodles. The thumping, though, is all unique in itself, the symphony of aching memories crashing against each other beneath the surface of this monster that I am--the distance memories of happiness mocking me.

I don't look for monsters anymore. It seems silly.