i am weak - weaker still than i want to admit - and terrified to show it
i am too jealous, and almost always awkward
i talk entirely too much
i am basically always afraid
and i shy away from painful truths like a horse from a snake
i am deeply, deeply flawed

the irony is
i tell you your flaws are why i like you
that they are what make you, you
and that is one hundred percent true
and yet here i sit
unable to forgive myself a single flaw
harping on myself for the smallest social faux pas
for not being completely open and honest with someone
for comparing myself to someone i aspire to be
falling short
and hating myself for it

god.

why am i
such a hypocrite?

i won't survive you

your touch sets me on fire
your laugh raises my sun
your voice is the clear bell tone that dispels the dark clouds that hover round my head
you dry my tears and speak to my soul and impart your wisdom
and, even if it's just for a second, you feel like home

but i lack the courage to tell you how i  feel
to explain that you have my unconditional love and understanding
that you have my love and are
the dearest to my heart
and i need you in my life
and i want you by my side

so i don't think i'll survive you
and i fear that this might be
a heartbreak
that i can't fake my way through

that first burn of nicotine-laced smoke hits my lungs
like a punch from a heavyweight fighter
i knew i should have told him no
but he offered me one and i reached for the lighter
human beings are addicted
to all the things that **** us
and if they're things that can **** us faster
hell, i think we'd call that a plus
i know i have more vices than virtues
ironic, when my dad is a pastor
but cigarettes are one thing i won't give up
because then i'll have to find a new vice to be my master
it's easy for me to get addicted
easy to form a bad habit
but it's all just a mask for my pain
because at the end of the day, if you map it
out from end to end there's this talent i have
for numbing myself
elegantly self-harming
when in reality all i'm doing is guarding
trying my hardest not to feel
anything that's real
because i'm not sure i could survive getting hurt again
so i dull the pain with the industrial-grade novocaine
of whiskey and cigarettes and sad songs on my guitar
because i know that this is never going to go any farther than where we already are
so sing with me
in sweet harmony
and **** me softly with your smile
as i fall to pieces inside and hide it
behind a beguiling smile

The grey skies
Of a city not my own
But where I feel at home
Reminding me of you

I breathe in
And let the smoke burn in my lungs
Reminding me that I need to give it up :
This bad habit - these bad habits

Somebody once said
"you really ****** me up -
this time for good -
even though you didn't mean to"
And I feel like that's what happened to us
Because I don't think I'll ever
Love anyone again
At least not like I used to -
not like I loved you

I go out
And I'm alone, but in a crowd
Surrounded by the sounds
Of the city I call home
The neon
and nightlife in this place -
Raleigh's warm embrace -
is helping me move on

But there's a reason somebody once said
"you really ****** me up -
this time for good -
even though you didn't mean to"
And I feel like that's what happened to us
Because I don't think I'll ever
Love anyone again
At least not like I used to.


Not like I loved you.

i knew i was in trouble
when i caught myself delivering a soliloquy
on the way your mouth moves all crooked when you smile
and the freckles on your nose

i knew i was in trouble
when your fingers just barely brushed mine
and that jolt of electricity raced up my arm
like your fingers were a live wire i bumped

i knew i was in trouble
when you started to show me pieces of your soul
through your music
your poetry
your stories
your history

i knew i was in trouble
when i realized you didn't break down my walls
you walked through them like they weren't even there
and your soothing voice quieted my tempestuous mind

i knew i was in trouble
when i found myself spending hours listening to you ramble
smiling every time you touched on something that excited you
because you lit up and got so animated
because your thirst for knowledge on those topics cannot be sated
you're like a **** sponge
soaking up knowledge and experiences
and ever growing as a person

i knew i was in love with you
when i showed you who i was
and you accepted me for me

and now I'm just hoping
that

maybe

you love me
too