She sits on her bed
Watching the sound of the cars go by
Through the window
As she stares at the moonlight
With her eyes shut
Wondering if she shines with them
Or has flickered out
“nobody will love me"
She says to herself
It's common sense
No one will love you if you don’t shine
You're just a dulled out star
Waiting for another to sacrifice its light to luminate yours
She wears a mask hoping someone will not just fall for it–the lie—
But fall in love as well
And she will fake it as long as she can
But she doesn’t understand
Not everyone is born with luminescense
Most are stranded, alone, broken, wasted
She doesn’t understand
Two broken halves can make a whole again
Two dim lights can shine together brighter than any star in the sky
But she keeps wearing her mask
Giving everyone what they want
While she always falls short of getting what she needs
Maybe she isn't meant to be bright
Maybe she's meant to light up everyone else
But every night
When she reads her skin in the mirror
After washing away her mask
The reflection scares even her
Because not even she recognizes herself anymore
She's afraid to provide someone the definition of love
Because not even she can stand to see herself
So she sits instead
And rewrites her skin with a pen
And lays patiently wasted away in her bed
Feeling like the moon:
Only reflecting light instead of providing her own
And she knows
Just like moonlight
Nobody will truly appreciate her reflection of light
Until it wanes, fades
And is no more than darkness
Only then will they wish for the light to return
Only then will they understand
That to have light is a gift not all believe they have
And sometimes
If light is not cared for
The wind will blow it out
And leave smoke to settle in the lungs of those closest
Until the embers deeply inhale their last breath
Until ashes are all that remain.

I drive on a frontage road
Not knowing where I want to get off
Not knowing where I want to go.
I’m hurting so much emotionally
That it’s physically showing
I am among those
Who understand life
And take the on-ramp to the highway
While I wave as they fly by
I fear I’ll never have the courage to get on
The highway of life
For I prefer watching from the sidelines
Giving instead of taking
But I always hinder more than I help
No matter what lies I provide
To myself
To ease the hurricane that is my mind
I wonder, perhaps more than I should, how it would feel to disappear
Forever
Never to return to the highway
To simply take a turn off
And never return.
But these are still premature thoughts
And I’m cycling down the middle of these two lanes
Horns deafen me all around
Afraid it makes me
But the rush is more than worth the worry
After all
If they hit me, they wouldn't be at fault
It’s the cycle of life that strikes you every time
But this is no choice directional street
For this is a one way
You can’t go back
All you can do is continue to go forward
Or suddenly stop
But I won’t go that quietly
It’s my choice to, now, walk
Down this frontage road that never seems to stop
Now in the distance I see my destination
But I don’t hurry
I take my time
Since I know this is my last time.
The highway is much scarier than I thought
But I finally know my purpose
I finally know what my destiny is
Like all these others
Driving along
Laughing with their family
As though they’ve never had so much as a thought
Of a river of darkness flowing in your mind
Carrying you away from your normal path
Flowing
Choosing for you
Without consent
But how wildly it flows
How it makes you do things you’d never do
Think things you would never have the pleasure of thinking
Having tools to cope
That you, now, can't but hardly live without
But how beautiful the water is flowing underneath
Isn’t it?
Just flowing so gracefully
Reflecting the moon
And the stars
And the darkness of the night
It’s hard to see
But I can hear the sound
It calls me to the edge of the bridge
And I hear sirens in the background
They always tell you not to let others drag you down
And some have pulled over
Trying to hinder me as I have done to so many
And let so many hinder me so openly
So profound
But I’m done hindering whilst being hindered, myself
I’m removing myself from the equation
My darkness can now spread out of me
And into those who can flush it out
Since they have lights as stars do in their hearts
I hope forgiveness won’t be an issue
Even though I didn’t say goodbye as I fell
Someday after my inactivity I guess they’ll figure it out
That I finally said my secret goodbye
As breathing went from being to been
As air I could not breathe in
For there was water
And water alone
Under that blue, turned black sheet of water that I hit solid
So low under it
That I felt the bottom
And felt the blood whirl in my ears
For that was the last thing I could hear
Was the faded echoes of darkness
The taste of death in my esophagus
The sight of voices fading to oblivion into this river
For this is the only way out
Out of life that promises more than it can lend a hand
So I fell
And I fell
Into that different kind of highway
For I had no emotional struggle
Just simply
Breathed out
Drank
Strained
Drowned.
And I was suddenly at peace
Life unwound from me it’s arms
For finally I was independent
For finally
I was unbound.

I have a feeling
One that I’ve had the pleasure of knowing before
A feeling with a sudden urge to
Swell skin into red knots
Growing tighter and spreading
Sewing across the canyons
Like a river
Binding to my skin like roots
Filling the valley with its
Nerves traveling up hatching in the brain
Giving a reaction to each flood that formed so fast.
I have a feeling of the past
The sudden urge to scream out,
But that urge can be relieved
Through taking a tack
Or a pin
And popping or dragging along
To move pressure from your head
Out through canyons
That fill up with rivers
Dripping
From the crevice.
Somehow,
They always seal back up
Leaving no clues that they were there before
For I have a feeling
I used to know well
A fear of valleys reaching too deep
Pulling at an aquafer
Pouring the waterways from my heart strings
To the point where id have no water left
Laying there afraid to call for help.
Lifeless,
Except for the remaining rivers
Whose motion
Never seems to stop.

I am hesitant to take steps..
Hesitant to look in the mirror
For a monster looks back..
And I am filled with fear..
It tells me to approach
But there’s a haze
Or a cloud of smoke
And I am lured in
As if a meal
And it snatches me up
But I can barely feel it’s touch
I have become so numb
Nothing I do changes the way it looks
I fix my eyebrows
Comb my hair
But the same image
Looks back
And stares..
I am hesitant to take steps
To away myself from it’s gaze
But it keeps my eyes focused..
Never letting me look away..
And I’m afraid
Of its look pushing my steps to a cage
For I'm afraid
That I will not be able to escape

"There's a light in you"
I am told
But i cant see it
I'm me
How could there be a spark in my soul
It was flushed out years ago
By the river
That flows through the unspoken
It goes beyond all thoughts
And it clogs my head when it stops
And it has stopped.
For it has been clogged
Ever since the light beside me left
Left to find a brighter light
To save her from what i gave her
Because darkness is all i am capable of giving
The color red is beyond the Vantablack layer of what ive become
Through the thoughts
The names
Through the faliure
Therefore my heart cannot be percieved as the color red
It blocks all light
And does not reflect
Not even hers
And the annoyance of not being able to unenvelope my soul from the darkness is why she left
Naïvely thought i could deal on my own
Since thats what i had done before
So maybe i could again.
But instead of getting better..
I have started thinking more rapidly and more frequently
"Maybe im better off dead"
Like a lamb on the edge of a cliff
Its just a step
Just an impulse decision to lock away your mind for the purpose of falling from that ledge..
It would save pain
From those who i would only ever and always accidentily give darkness to take with them
Just one second..
Thats all it takes..
To spread my wings and fly
But im tired of trying to fly anymore
Im tired of straining to keep my head above water
Im tired of waiting for a hand
Or a stick
To pull myself out of this with
Ive fallen so many times emotionally
I just want to know what it feels like..
To physically break instead of mentally
To bleed instead of..
think..
Think.
THINK
But it all comes down to that impulse decision
To give up or see the dawn..
But I've given up on the dawn.
Its just been so **** long since i saw even a shade of black lighter than this.
So i guess i know what my choice will be when that time comes along..
Im just so tired of falling without breaking..
So tired of healing..
Tired of being beaten and bruising
Without a single complaint.
Because with every thought
My soul drains..
And once its gone..
It wont anymore be a strain
To take another step.