Today an eyelash fell on my wrist,
and with my breath it sailed
on a wish.
That my heart will one day be
a little candle flame,
a faint hopeful spark,
to someone just as lost in the dark
as I am.

There are often times when I wish
my brain was technologic
and organic distractions like
unyielding emotions
and cringe worthy memories
could be downloaded
onto separate storage
could be removed
detached in entirety
and intentionally misplaced.

You no longer miss the person
but phantom sensations
of gentle physical intimacies
haunt you and make you ache
in ways you didn't before.

Such simple, common things
like watching a movie
or going out to eat
or returning to your room
can feel so stupidly lonesome.

The longing for physical
interaction
anything at all clings
and you feel so
cold?
Yes, cold.
So randomly and so strongly
but you cannot shrug it off.

So you play that song
a little louder this time
and burrow deeper
into your blankets.
Dig out a pair of
mismatched socks
but the chill permeates
from within you.

For the first time in weeks
I truly felt better today.
I'm no longer missing
those minuscule pieces
that kept me distant
and made me so hollow.
I'm no longer faking
the smile that curls
and warms my lips.
I'm no longer waiting
for the apology
that will never happen.
I'm no longer wanting
what cannot be fixed
and will rust and fade.
Slowly but surely
I'm finding myself again.
As my strength mends
thorns shroud my heart.
I will not let this happen.
I will never be this weak again.

Most people would take a look at us
and say I'm "catching feelings".
What is it about having feelings
that makes me want to throw something?
Some days my lips ache to tease your neck
and others I want to break your jaw.
The most romantic and violent scenarios
play behind my eyes and yank my heart strings
in varying twisted formations and knots.
I don't know what I've "caught".
I don't know what I've been infected with,
but I don't want it anymore.
So take it away.  Cut the beast off it's chain.
These emotions are too fierce for me to handle.

There are days when it rains
and I just want to lay down
with my back on the pavement.
I'd stare up at the tears
of the nameless.
Pretending every chilling drop
is a faintly stinging kiss.
Then I'd fade away from it all
without notice or being missed.

That crushing sensation
that you just can't take
no
not anymore.
Please.
No more.

Claw your fingers
through your hair
play that song
again
and again
once more.

Deafen your mind
with a single song
until your thoughts
are no longer muted.

Breathe
deep breaths
exhale slowly
it doesn't help
no
not anymore.

Silently cry out
for someone
anyone
no
there's no one.

Entwined by
your emotions
ensnared by
recurring thoughts.

Trapped by
your regret.
Your health
and brain
scream
to move on,
but your heart
just can't yet.

How am I supposed to truly live when,
no matter what I do or how I play it off,
my heart rests in your hand.
It was something you looked upon fondly once.
Now you only admire it as trinket you found,
an object you unknowingly toy with idly.
Some pretty thing you picked up off of the floor.
Though my mind strains to move on
the rest of me remains your thing, your locket.
Closed to you, and yet so painfully yours.

Nights this cold
can make a girl wish
she had someone
to share warmth with.

I had resigned myself to the ember wall
around my heart.
Then out of nowhere you came in
and with your shy sweetness
and nervous eyes you lifted me out
of my ashy fortress.

I find warmth in your genuine kindness
that I thought I'd never feel again.

Yet my caution chokes my feelings back
and neither time nor distance
are on our side.

So tell me, gentle boy, what will we be?

I think I'll take this chance
to open my rib cage,
as I watch the leaves dance,
and retrieve my little candle flame.
It once was a pulsing fire
sparking with hopes and desires,
but for what's become of it, I'm to blame.
I set my heart down and watch it flicker,
weakened by a simple breeze.
Who'd have known that developing
an affection for someone
would turn into such a dousing disease.
I once wanted my candle to be a guide
to someone just as lost in the dark as me,
and yet now the shadows are my dress
so delightfully flattering and numbing.

Sought
In warm places
In kind faces
In understanding
adoring gazes
In copious laughter
and chortling voices
In young and foolish
misguided choices
In crackling fires
In explored desires

Found
In the many hues
and happenings
of warmth,
heartfelt belonging.

Eyelash wishes,
a crazy wish,
a foolish hope,
a far-fetched dream.

Eyelash wishes,
caught on your finger,
pondered and yearned for,
then with cautious breath,
set free.

I am one of the few
blessed with
the most lovely curse
of self awareness.
I can't take a substance
to drift off into my youth.
Through potions and vapors
my being still haunts me.
I'm fully aware of
who and what I am,
and I cannot escape me.

Oh handsome poison
how fast we're fading.
So fast that the word
"we"
no longer applies.

I fought with passion,
my fire burned true.
Smoldering ashes
were all I was given
in return from you.

I've spent so exhaustingly long
trying to become what you want
I've forgotten what to want
for myself.
I don't quite fit your into your mold
yet I've so thoroughly lost my form
I can't recognize myself at times.

I have nothing but love for a blue sky
and how its glory opens up my mind.
How it shoos away grey thoughts
of color neutral, sleeping forests.

Oh blue sky.
If I had wings
I'd make you mine.
You'd be my canvas
and my feathers,
your delicate brushes.

Oh bright blue sky
If only I had time
to sit under you
and admire your clouds.
You wear them so well.

Instead in a monotone,
desaturated schedule
I march onward.  
Only able to admire
for passing moments
inbetween places and times.
Blanketed by your sunlight.

Every time my feathers catch the wind again
and my wings almost lift me off the ground
Your ice shards dig deep under my rib cage
and again I crumble onto the ground
simmering embers once again, breathless.

In cinders I remain until I can truly forget
only then can I hope to fly again.

There's a reason why the word
hurt
is in the word truth.
The double edged blade
often slices the fingers
of it's own wielder.

I have you back and we're better than before.
Lips locking until we're breathless,
laughter bouncing between us.
We're lighter and yet it's so much heavier
that all we can truly be is "friends".
It's so bittersweet to be better
yet settle for less, lines clearly drawn.
I'm fine with it as long as I can still have
some kind of hold over you.
My heart is darker than I had imagined it.

Soft little reminders
cascading onto my hair
reminding me of Us
and how we lost Us.

Like two snowflakes
we were too different.

Soft little reminders
making my skin tingle
remding me of Us.
Reminding me
how cold it is


to be alone.


Like two snowflakes

we drifted apart.

My social and intimate interactions
are like an intricate and fragile web
bending out in the breeze
ever so carefully reaching out
straining at the seems
but cautiously hopeful.

The web is sprinkled with
a few gleaming dew droplets
reflecting and refracting
self criticizing,
yet softly alluring.

Isn't it terrifying that this web
this elaborate structure
of invisible intertwining
experiences and unborn efforts
can be torn to shreds
by a mere gathering of words?

What's this?  A small flower petal?
Once part of something wonderful.
Once a fragile, intricate masterpiece.
Now a lowly isolated fragment.
A candle to a flame.
No wait.  That's what's left of my heart.

Your body aches for something more.
Your mind and logic fall in defeat.
Your heart stands over it all,
dragging you through every emotion.
Be they slight as eyelashes or
rough as glass shards strewn on pavement.

Were I able to take a scalpel
to my mind
and hack you out entirely,
believe me when I say,
I would do it in an instant.

I'd let that small sad part of me
that still wants you back
and has a heart,
that skips to see you,
drown in the puddle of blood.

I picked my poison.
My poison is you.
You're so bad for me
but you said you're sorry
and here I am accepting
that we can start all over
again.
Maybe we can make it
if we start as friends.

My brain declares "no"
but my heart screams "yes!"
Begin again and take a guess
is this a sweet wine at my lips
or another glass of venom.

I saw you once again today
but I didn't fall apart.
I felt your gaze
pretended not to notice you
and it didn't shred my heart.

I saw you once again today
but something in me had changed.
The ashes are forming into feathers
and the feathers are sparking into flames.

I'll be the silky, fine sand that
slipped through your fingers.

Oh baby it's come to this now.
I'll be your one that got away.

When you see me
your heart
will feel
so
gritty.

For years I've let your chains embrace my heart
and drag me down with every breeze
that's teased at my wings.

For years my feathers have kissed the asphalt
again and again
instead of caressing the sky.

Enough! I'm done with this! I scream
plunging my fingers into my chest
and ripping out those chains
those strings that made me
your puppet, your play thing for so long.

Though my hand comes back crimson
as the chains crumple at my feet,
my eyes flood with tears of relief, not pain.
And with the next strong gust
I am one with the sky again, myself again.
Bloodied, but stronger and finally free.

You picked me up
then made me spiral down.
Like an auburn leaf
lying on the ground.
So this is how it feels to fall.
I'm crushed I don't want to feel
at all.

Opening my heart again made me realize
I had lit a disco ball of emotions
sending the best and worst feelings
emanating from within me outward
and in the open; exposed, vulnerable.

I had truly forgotten this sensation
of my own emotions betraying me
and stampeding out of any control
no matter how I try to push them back in
like the wrong puzzle pieces.

There's something kind of terrifying
about what affection does to us.
To go from singing
with newfound joy,
to weeping with
bitter regret,
to daydreaming
a violent solution,
to simply trying
to forget.

I'd much rather wait
instead of wake
in some mistake's bed.

It spills into my ears
trickling into my mind
dripping onto my heart
pooling into
the many fine cracks
and solidifying.
It swirls in my soul
quickening my pulse.

I slowly close my eyes
and for even the slightest
of moments
I'm home.
No matter where I rest
in sunlight or darkness
I belong and feel whole.

I can slip away from
my worries, my regrets.
I can slide away from
who I am, if I need to,
into a soothing tide
of rhythms and choruses.
I can float off on a soft, steady
song that reassures my
unanchored confidence.

It pours into my many
subtle wounds
and beat by beat
heals me internally.
It is my infallible remedy
so out of passionate love
and utmost appreciation
for this cure-all sensation
I sing.

Your words
so sweet
they stick to me
but
in larger doses
you're sickening.

I should have left you
an oddly familiar face
an attractive stranger.

I should have left you
sitting with that smile
but curiosity won me.

I should have left you
in the past
where you belonged.

Instead I walked over
and asked your name.
Instead I fell for you
too fast
and you did the same.

Now that it's over
through the pain
I finally glimpse
the bitter truth.

You were the most handsome poison
I've ever let numb my guarded heart.

I want to make you sink.
I want you to drown in the sand
where my heart once was.
I want to drag you down,
suffocating you with the emotions
you once claimed to not understand.
I want to make you cry and beg and plead.
I want you to apologize to me
while I make you suffer the way I have
for ever having developed affection for you.

Our attraction is automatic
the physical tension is palpable.
Your poisonous thorns try to hook in
and burrow deep underneath my skin
but finally I am immune.
Though your eyes light my heart's darkest flame
now I have strength and we won't be the same.
You're the perfect kind of toxic
but now my only thought is
I'll only allow you to be a friend.
You better savor that last kiss babe,
because it's never happening again.

It had been so long,
years,
since I had creaked
open my heart.

In mere weeks
I slammed it shut
and collapsed in
on myself.

It's in one piece now
I've definitely healed
but there's still cracks
in the stained glass.

I look out from within
my stony cold fortress
when it dawns on me.

As I shattered and fell
in my own pathetic well
in the darkness spun away
that small golden key.

Now trapped I stand
looking out
through the fray
realizing I dropped
the key to my heart
and I don't know if
I can ever
love
some day.

I'd rather make out,
than make up.
I'd rather hold on,
than let go.
I'd rather give in,
than give up.
I'd rather believe,
than know.

Just when you were the last thing on my mind
it's as if the breeze picks up and like two fallen leaves,
we're swept together again.
I'm forced to realize how complicated my feelings for you have become.
Our lips meet, it means nothing, and yet you still look at me that way.
You don't have eyes for me, and yet you can't break your gaze.
As if you realize it too, how we should have started here instead.
How long before you realize that it's always me you come back to?
We would be so happy together if you just dared to consider it,
and yet I'm too numb to all of this to tell you I'm right for you.
Who am I tell you what you want?
Maybe you'll figure it out this time.
All I know is I can't survive another collision with you.

The lightly falling,
swirling reminder
that you have no one
to get warm with.

Coating the earth
in a twinkling coat.
Rounding out
hard edges
and hiding the dirt.
For a short while
all is new and silent.

Yet inside of me
the icicles run deep.
Gleaming daggers
of silenced icy pains.

Outside I can glimmer
and hold a white smile.
Internally I'm so grey,
a thoroughly trodden slush.

I pulled out each and every one
those ice shards you left in my ribs.
I bled your poison from my veins.
I slung gasoline all over everything
the memories,
the phantom sensations,
the best and worst of you,
my tenderness for you,
your barbed words,
in their entirety.

Without pause I lit the match.
I let it fall from my fingers
and the inferno roared to life.
In the flames I am reborn
and though parts of me
singe away
new, stronger parts
burn anew.
For the first time in forever
I spread my wings,
feathers combing the breeze,
and fly again.

Finally my phoenix heart soars
and sings again and what's left
of you
in the ashes is forgotten completely.

That's right
I'm over you.

Your sly crooked smile
your lips twitching
asking
for a kiss.

Your heart thumping
in my ear
as I lay on your chest.

Your glances you would sneak
just to me, just for me,
when we were with others.

Your cold fingers
relaxed and posable,
in my nervous hands.

The sound of the door,
as it closed,
that last night.

The sting of finality,
restricting my lungs,
collapsing my throat.

The tears streaking
my numb face.
My first hollow, shaking breath.

My memories. Our memories.
That I am dying, just dying,
to forget.

Today was perfectly normal until I saw you.
Today was just fine until I had to pretend I
didn't notice you and act distracted by nothing.
I was ok until I recognized you and flinched.
My heart raced but not like it used to.
It pounded in fear instead of fluttering lightly.
I had just started to rebuild myself.
The cinders of my confidence and strength had
started to glow dimly, my assurance whispering.
In that moment they were instantly doused.
Leaving me weak and allowing my eyes
to nearly betray the ashes I have become.
I never tried to tell if you had noticed me.
Relief flooded me pathetically as you left.
I'm not proud of how cornered I had felt.
I'm broken but I need to believe I'm improving.
With ashen fingers,
empty eyes,
and shallow breaths,
I weakly pick up my pieces.
Some day I'll be whole again...
One day I'll look back at this and laugh.

I don't expect the world of myself.
Nor do I find myself capable of the world
and all it's faces and happenings.
But lately I am utterly unimpressed
with what I am.

I almost forget you.
I almost forgot you.
Then a friend jokingly
mentions your name
and I hate you
but I miss you
*all over again.

Step slowly closer
until our chests
almost touch.

Hover over me
lips parted
twitching into
a slight smile.

Our eyes flutter
between irises
and parted,
inquiring lips.

In that moment our
breathing so shallow
and the silence
so heavy.

Then, mind made,
your arms snake
around me and
pull me in.

You lean down
and our lips touch,
our heartbeats
filling the silence.
You just
******* away.

I want to feel that again.
I want to be breathless.
I want to just
collide
with another person
who feels the same way.

If fate were physical I'd say it was a breeze.
Though it's summer and the forest holds its' leaves.
The wind picks up and we're swept back together
like the fiery leaves of autumn.
If one thing is for certain I've already fallen.
When I see you my body and heart remember
what my mind has forgotten.
You make me laugh and my walls soften.
Our roots go so deep and yet our chance is rotten.
With time and distance our wind shifted,
you've swept a different leaf into your dance
and I can only see you every so often.

Even the stars eventually fade.
What is a "star-crossed" love anyway?
That chemistry dissolves or it stays.
Neither side deserves the blame.
You and I just aren't the same.
I guess you're right in the end,
I really have changed.

The world only loves my words when they're pleading.
The world only loves a poet that is bleeding
passionately writing with crimson spattered abandon.
Adoration is showered upon the poet that is falling
deeper sinking into sorrows and self induced agony.
I'm just a writer that has fallen
and though my wings are quite frail I'm still crawling
to try and reach a better place, a better state again.
I'd rather let the ink do the bleeding and find a friend.
To put a breeze under my feathers
and make me smile and laugh again.
Than subject myself to memory laced emotional tortures
for the sake of art and to draw an audience.