the one feeling that is most foreign to my life
inadequate in every way I can see
using beanies to cover up my flaws the best i can
hiding behind my words like a mask
odds stacked against me in everything i do
and everyone that I have any feelings towards
speaking only when there is no other option
approach me at your own risk and I will hide inside my notebook
cover my face and fall into my own little world
I am not fit to live inside this one

that feeling that eats at the back of my mind
it scares me to death that in some way i might lose you
and everything that i have worked to build for us
any chance at me losing you in my life haunts the back of my mind
even if for a split second, or even a single memory
this feeling trying to surround my happiness with you
constantly fighting back with all the light i have
the sheer possibility that i could fall back to where i used to be
the scars that have long since faded

the knowing that the sun rises and sets with your eyes on me
the feeling of looking in her eyes and touching her lips
where i can put my hand in her chest and feel her heart beat
leaving my everlasting mark in her heart and on her mind
the goosebumps and rapid pulse that i get just thinking about her
that willingness to walk over broken glass barefoot
while carrying her in my arms
the feeling of loving her qualities and not just her beauty
the moment when i know that these words are not just words
but verbal translation of my love spilling out of my mouth

that feeling you get when you can't stand something
where you resent every moment of your existence
living misunderstood throughout life
that feeling of resentment towards one whose hurt you deeply
where it feels like your heart has been ripped out
replaced by a knife ever so slowly growing larger as time goes by
like a hand around my heart squeezing until every drop drains away
that feeling of looking in the mirror and hating what you see
the being stuck in your mind with no clear path out
the point where you punch holes in the wall
trying to mimic what its like inside your head
to the point of a pen on paper and text on this screen

she is an untold beauty in my eyes
kept from the world for far too long
her words are such an exquisite taste
her eyes glowing with the radiance of the sun reflecting on water
a smile that could make the grinch blush
when she speaks to me, my ears beg for more
when she looks at me, my heart misses a beat
when she smiles at me, I smile for her
i could stare at her for hours, reading poems I've written
i want to just hold her in my arms even if only for a moment
place my hands on her lungs and help her to breathe
give her a kiss so she knows that I care
whispering sweet honey in her ears like she deserves

I took a left, I took a right
Yet the outcome did not change
My heart was still broken into pieces
Like shattered mirrors on the wet floor
Watching all the mistakes I've made inside each shard
Like a bad memory looped on repeat

I'm stuck inside what passes for my mind
The infinite choices given
None of them even worth taking
I will just say to myself that i'm a lost cause
A ship with no captain, lost inside a stormy sea
And a captain must go down with his ship

i've never tasted a poison as sweet as hers
its like tasting the portal between heaven and hell
taking me to another dimension
as much as i love it i know
that it slowly but surely is killing me
i don't know how to escape something i love so much
its the addiction that i could never kick
this disease she holds called love