its been two years  and i still cant hear your name, or see a mini cooper or listen to blond by frank ocean without feeling my chest implode
but now, maybe i can start to rebuild the house in my chest, with all the fragile pieces of the worn out frame of my body,
maybe now i can listen to pink and white and nights and seigfried without hearing your voice collide with mine as we sang along
one tap at a time
i will learn to live without you on my mind

no matter how much i say i don't want a relationship, i know my heart and body yearn for anything that feels like love

sure, maybe the abuse wasn't my fault, but the repercussions of how i dealt with it are
yeah, maybe one day i'll be better, but "one day" doesn't exist right now
nothing besides this moment exists; not the past or future
but isn't it queer how mistakes still exist even if yesterday doesn't
isn't queer that mistakes i have made determine how i feel right now, what i felt yesterday, what i will feel "one day"
so sure, maybe one day i'll be better

i say this to myself every week
when i feel the weight of all my trauma
when my collar bones begin to break
i say this to myself
when i feel my future fall through the palms of my hands
when life gets to be too rough on the soles of my feet

hey, it's me lizeth
i feel really sad
n i guess i just wanted to let you know that i'm okay
today is hard,
i'm thinking a lot about what it use to be like when i was happy
and it's really hard because i have
everything
but nothing is
enough

maybe it's because i am not satisfied with who i am
maybe it's because i've fallen so from where i use to be
maybe it's because i let myself fall in love
maybe it's because i learned friendship, and trust, and hope and
with learning all these things, there was a consequence
a consequence that wasn't mine to serve
it's because after knowing what these concepts were,
it was impossible but to not notice their absence
i am not sad because of my unresolved trauma, i am sad because my coping skills were people and people leave
and sadness is present
sadness does not pause for you
sadness does not let you prepare
sadness rips into your chest and makes its home there
i'm sad because i'm not my own reason to live
i'm sad because i want to stay sad
because it's safe
because it's the only constant in my life