"and like the ocean always finds the shore, like a wave i'll always come back to you"
and with me i will bring precious shells
and different colored pebbles
and the biggest rock i could carry

The first time i loved forever
was when he came up to me
and said ever so sweetly,
"i really like you, please accept this flower"

he was glorious and all,
a boy not a man,
he really made me fall,
gave me smiles when nobody can

and boy, my heart was whole,
it was nice, we were good,
it was me, it was full,
at least until it lasted.

Everything changed when i met my sunshine;
the one who taught me bad things,
who made me shoot comets,
the one i fed stars and those in between -
when i met the one

i learned how to sew stitches,
i swallowed a needle,
i ate stardusts,
and accepted burnt candles

my heart was flashing bright,
i was blinded by the sight
of how deep and gentle love could be,
if only we were meant to be...

Nothing can come out of sadness?
therefore you should live again
for sadness gave me a lot,
sadness gave me my solace
sadness found me an angel
sadness lifted me up from hell

we built towers and fortresses,
we are catching the falling
and patching the holes
of a broken heart's great desire -
to be whole once more

Embellish my life with sweetness
Fill my desires with gladness
Heighten my hopes like soaring birds
And fit my poems with fancy words

I tell you everyday how much your friends love you,
how beautiful you are,
how eccentric your life is -
Not everyone is that loved.

I hope you know that you worry them too much,
they want to be with you,
this is not just jealousy,
they want to protect you.

You are their dainty angel,
as you are to me,
and they don't want you to fall,
they don't want you to get hurt.

I hope you can see how important you are
I don't want to lose you
You know I cannot leave,
but how about them?

I'll fight for you if you want me to
but if battling the winds can make you loosen your grip
onto something that has held on you forever,
I will be forced to kneel

I shall build a wall,
I will protect you from the enemy,
which is I,
my dear.

I wish we could stop talking about them.

So I've been talking to a few nice people on the internet. We had casual small talks. What's your name? How old are you? Where do you live? I've been telling you that they annoy me, but they keep me company. Some of them are English, one is French. I've been learning languages including French, by the way. You've just been so busy, too busy.

Where do you live? And I can't help but think of how you wanted me to take you home that night but it was so late and we were in our uniforms and I needed to go home; I declined. I let go of your hand, your tiny hand (calling it tiny makes you frown, and you're cute when you frown). I let go of those hands that could only fit with mine. That night... That night, up there, where we watched the sun take its last dreadful glimpse on us. That beautiful night when we felt the wind turn from hot and sticky to warm and nice. That night when you took a mental picture of me laughing. You told me that that night was enough to make you happy for the rest of your short life. You said you are almost certain that you would leave me first. You said that the last one who will die would grow old and visit that same place and cry. That night... That night, up there, you asked me once to not let it end. But it did. I live there.

How old are you? It was raining. It was pouring, so **** hard. Was there a storm signal, I'll never know. I didn't care. I used to sit by the windows and count every raindrop. There was a moment in my life where I thought that playing while it is raining is childish but dancing in the rain is adult stuff. I used to imagine how couples kiss under their umbrellas and how it is possible to forget that they have umbrellas. I used to picture it in my small, childish and immature head that I will someday, hopefully, have someone who could be silly with me. The adult type of silly. It was raining. It was raining so hard. But your hands were light and you were a feather. Gliding with me through the courses of those strong winds. Your hands were in my hands and I finally know why men feel like they could conquer the world all by themselves. We were laughing, like those lovers in the movie under the streetlights. And we were holding hands. You were pulling me and you were holding my hands and we were running and it was raining and I lost track of how many raindrops have poured now because I think it's not raining anymore but I do know that you're still smiling giddily like we did something that is only ours to know and I think I have seen my rainbow and it's running and it's pulling my hand towards our silver lining and it's so ******* beautiful. It's so ******* beautiful. It was magnificent. And I didn't realize, I didn't realize this until that moment --- that astounding, outstanding, amazing, tragamagazingzing --- that marvelous, marvelous moment: I was childishly, hopelessly, truly, madly deeply falling in love with you (yes! like that song! from that silly old movie!). I was falling in love with you over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over --- That was a lot of raindrops. I was sixteen.

What's your name? Oh god. Oh ****. Oh god. Oh ****. ****. ****. ****. ****, ****, ****, ****. What do I say? I could tell you a lot of things but all I do is listen to country songs and go to that country singer's concerts... Oh well that was lame. Was that lame? Did I really say that out loud? I think I did. I don't think I look like your best friend though. I'm usually quiet. Yes, I have a scar on my face. Oh you don't like my name? Why so? Sure you can call me by my other name. I have a nickname, but only close people call me--- Okay. You can call me by my nickname. No, I don't know him. Am I really that quiet? He must be nice. Yeah I like brown eyes too but I'm trying to seek other colors now. Oh that's why you don't like my name. I'm sorry, but I promise you that's not how love works. I met this person once and she was my heaven and hell. But yeah, you know, I wasn't enough. Nah, you don't have to tell me that. She already made me feel like ****, anyway. It's okay. Ah, yes I write. Do you want to see? It's okay, but I don't really like showing these to people. I showed it to that guy though. He's really nice. Yeah you can read them. I write random stuff. Alright, I'll see you later. Good morning to you too! Hello. You seem a bit off. How are you? You okay? I don't believe you. Define okay? Oh you have a nice smile. I guess it's okay, dimples aren't that cute to me. I've had this scar since I was in prep-school. I didn't really notice those freckles before, but thanks. Oops, hey careful there. Oh sorry I held your waist. It's okay. Are you okay? Define okay? Alright, laters. You're really cute when you smile (and I swear I could hear my heart flutter when you say metaphorical things.) Wait what? Did I really just say that out loud? Oh thank God. Wait, no. Oh. ****. ****, ****, ****, ****. Let me write this down. Let me write about this. Uh. Sure. You can read it. I won't mind. Okay maybe read it later when you're at home. Yes that's a better idea. Read it at home. When I am not there to watch your reaction and probably make a fool out of myself. Hi. Good morning to you too. I know. Yes that's what I said. Hello. Was it weird? I know. Yes, sweetheart, that was for you. You said that already. Hi again. I'm okay. I'm yours.

I wish we could have our casual small talks again. I guess I'll never be too busy to remind myself, and to remind you, that you are missing from me.

one day i'll tell you, dear,
what you've always wanted to hear

and from that minute onwards

i wouldn't care if you tear me apart
and break my heart

you can lead me to wherever you desire
and let every moment afire

We were laying on our backs
Different parks
Different cities
But I felt your electricity
The damp grass under us
The starry skies up there
And a lot of stories to share
Silence filled the dark
Buzzing vibrations
Quiet distant pulses
I wish this promising wind
Would bring you my voice

*I wish you lived near
I wish you are here
I wish I could give you the moon
I wish I could see you soon
I wish I could catch you stars
And embrace you for hours
I wish I could be your man
Give smiles when nobody can
Kisses in the morning
Picnics in spring
I wish you could hear my words
Believe that for you I have yearned
And even if I get nothing in return
I'd give you the whole world

: "You are beautiful."
: "You are so blessed, you know that?"
: "I'm jealous because you have everything."
: "You have a radiant smile."
: "You are a treasure."
: "You are important to me."
: "I miss you."
: "You are enough."

.1. You are my paradox.
You are my strength. You are my weakness. You are my sunshine. You are my rain. You are my everything. You are my nothing. You are my high. You are my low. You are a pain. You are my solace. You are my light. You are my darkness. You are mine. You are not.

2. I am your kingdom. You are my ruler.
Surround me with your majesty. Protect me with all your might. Bravely fight for me. Let no one conquer your space. Own me, your colony, and never give me up. Give me peace. In return, I will bring you honor. I will shelter you. The bliss is all yours to bask on.

3. You are ubiquitous.
When you are here, you are the only thing here. When you are not, you are all the things. If you stay, you are here. If you leave, you would be here.

4. You are my definition of Wonderland.
You make me curious. Wonder, wander. You are the masterpiece of my imagination. You are a dream, yet you are real. You are too good to be true, and I wish I would never wake up from you.

5. You are the highest epitome of exquisite art.
You are classy. You give meaning to sexiness. You tease my desires. You have all the eyes in a room full of stirring. You are the abstract leaving me wanting for more of what you have. The heavens kneel to your beauty. You bring out sublime hues with every stroke. You are the perfect medium of your own artist.

6. Do not compare yourself to the Universe.
You are the skies themselves. Every color defines who and what you are. You are the ruins of the faded clouds. You are louder than hurricanes. You are more disastrous than natural calamities. Yet, you are the rays of the eminent sun. You are the calm grasses that help me breathe. You are the warm wind that caresses every inch of me. You are the moist soil that keeps me living. Of all the possible emotions that I once thought a celestial Earthling could bestow upon a used and wasted scrap, I have proven that you give more of that “haven” feeling than this chaotic place ever could.

7. You do not need me for you to be complete.
I found you at your peak. I found you at your worst. I found you when you were smiling. I looked for your hiding tears. If I ever leave you, I will not take anything. You are a hundred yourself. If I ever leave, remember that you are whole. A glass cannot be shattered just because it is beside a broken one.

8. You are a paper rose.
There are two sides of this note: One is goodness, and one is simply bad for you. Remember though, that both are acts of greatness.
First, you do not have thorns. Remember that you do not like hurting people back. Sacrifice is what you could willingly do for love. It is not a component, but you could do it for love. Pain is needed when you are in love. You can be crumpled, and it depends on how you would process that.
Second, you can be torn apart and burned. You can be hurt and crying. You can stand and be your own origami artist. You can tear yourself apart and start anew, but this time, you are not the one being written on. You are the writer.

9. Your nightmares deserve to be listened to.
Be with someone who can fix your trust issues. Love them as they love you. They should wake you up with flowers on the bed, a kiss on your forehead, and the breakfast you have always wanted. Spend your mornings with stories of your dreams and plans. Make that person listen. Make that person beg for more words. In the afternoon, you could walk on the sidewalks and on the beach. Breathe the healthy air. Make that person fall deeper into your immensity. Fall asleep in his or her arms. Fall asleep because you are comfortable. Fall asleep with him or her as your ultimate thought.

10. **Love and be loved.

I have drowned
willingly
for the third time
and hopefully
the last

one, we met
two, we talked
three, you looked into my eyes; you smiled and it felt different
four, talked on the phone
five, talked on the phone 'til midnight
six, i shared you my weaknesses and you told me your stories
seven, we watched movies
eight, i read you my poems
nine, we held hands
ten, you started calling me baby
eleven, you hugged me
twelve, you kissed me
thirteen*, fell completely, deeply, insanely, truly in love

When I try to sleep it off,
it makes me wonder more
Can I stop now?
Yes, but I don't want to.

When I do sleep it off,
the dreams intrigue me more
Does this mean anything?
No, it just so happens that I think of you more often now.

When I say I don't need it to mean something
I need it to stay like this
Nothing more, nothing less
We'll get there.

When I say I want it to mean something
I want it to be like this
More than this
We'll get there.

Unlike the stories I have heard,
I hope this will never end.

i saw your words today
im sorry i almost cried
i dont want to remember you this way
believe me, i cant stop

i saw your words today
how are you darling?
im sorry, but there is no way
that i could get to you

you remember our last day?
when i kissed your face and said
i'll miss you forever
and i waited
and waited
and waited
and waited for a response

finally i heard you say
*i want you in my life,
but i just cant keep you anymore

Promises may run out of rhyme,
but remember that the
Ubiquity of you is around me all the time,
and though
Rapid losses of love may occur,
but the
Peace that you bring me everytime is the
Living proof that all endings have an end,
and
Endings don't happen all the time.

how will i know you?
if you are here, but i dont have a clue
yes i feel but what does it mean
when endings are all i have seen?

how will i know you?
how dare you lay down your own hues
you let people color my days
but after a while let them fade

how will i know you?
you control my life without a cue-
on where i shall start ceasing to feel
you adorn my life, knowing that it's real

how will i know you?
if you would introduce yourself
as the scent that lingers on me everyday
and with that one smile that lightens up my day

we dream of all these dates
of seas and comfort
of silent rooms to fulfill our desires
all we need is the guts to drive

we'd build a card house
red in color, of course
where mornings save you
and nights can be true

we'd buy what you want
we'd do what you want
we'd be anyone you want to be
let me in and i'll make you see

i'll make you believe
that i can never leave
and to all the people who are trying to take you away from me
i am not afraid to throw them the key

i'll let them know you are safe with me
i'll let them feel our infinity
i'd hold you close and let them see
how much i want you to be with me.

I used to go home for a smile,
a little escape,
a little love from
vibrations and messages

Now I go home with a smile,
a vast void of solace,
an immense adoration from
stolen kisses and glances

I used to think I'd rather be the one in pain
than to see my lovers hurt
I used to think they are dainty
and aren't capable of sorrow

Now I think I'd rather risk the battles
than to see this fade
Now I think the one I have is too brave,
and is too giddy for tomorrow

I used to be so afraid
I used to be so careful
I thought sacrifice might save them
as I hoped it might redeem me, too

Now I want to break these rules
Now I want to be aggressive
I think I cannot ever let you go
as I hope you would never, too

You were my first love
I still hope you chased me
I still wonder what could have happened
If you begged, if I stayed

What could have happened, honey?
I actually thought you and me
Would be the first one to sail
and the last one to fail

My, my, my lost boy
My Peter, my escape
The first promise to ever break
My first love, you were all mine to take.

Sweetness in every hold,
the grasp of you can keep me still
hold me, forever and beyond and up until:
The connection gets stronger
the strings get tighter
and this infatuation float higher
Every move is flagrant -
every touch burns
too much to not be obvious,
Love, sweet love,
cohesive as can be
happiness in every stand
Let us burst in flames
let us ignite in this intensity
until we are nothing but ashes
Ashes that could cover up their eyes
let them shake their heads
let their minds see we how cogent love could be
Routines become us
and we become the universe itself,
and we become the life, the life itself.

you tell me i dont understand you like i never spent my 3 AM with you
you tell me i dont know a thing about you like i have never met your chaos
you tell me i dont see you like i have never heard your morning voice
you tell me i dont know anything about you like all the years we spent were blank pages of your past

I'm sorry* is nonchalant.

why do i even ask myself how someone could be so afraid of losing something like me

Mom asked me about you today
and
Jesus, I didn't know what to say.

I have you

not poetic nor romanticized

An ocean

not a metaphor

I submit to your immensity

truth and literal

Drought was here

constantly begging

I need to drown

*please let me

How is it that you are already tired

How was your day? I hope it was bad. I hope nobody gave you flowers, nor chocolates, nor made you happy. Or better yet, I hope someone did, and then I passed your mind - just a little. Like tiny ants, creeping in, slowly, and then all at once - ultimately ruining the soft sweetness.

I hope you had the worst day.

there will come a time
when it will feel like we're standing
so close to the edge,
but I know -
I just do
- that we will jump down
into that deep void,
(maybe because of too much bravery)
scream our lungs out,
and make a big splash...

we didnt know
what was down there,
but we both knew
that somehow -
just maybe
- it was worth the risk.

*and it was

We pretend the other does not exist
to know if we could resist
We lie for other people's sake
to know how much we could take
We stay silent to answer what this is
to know what we will painfully miss
And so we ignore
to know if we will search for more

I craved for bolder,
stronger,
badder
than what we had
but what I received
were
much more of an impact,
a combustion,
much
much
more
*cosmic

I know it gets sad
when I don't think the waves
will ever come back to shore,
at least not the way
it did the first time.

I know it gets sad
when I don't think hope is still
lingering around me
waiting to be found

I know it gets sad
when I start to think
of how Rose lived,
grew old, but
never got to be with Jack again

I know it gets sad
when I remember how
we used to say
"You're my Allie."

Now, will you be my Allie?
Come back after seven years
engaged and in love with another
but in the end, we'll always be together

I know it gets sad
when I pray and beg
to anyone who's listening up there
please, please, stop this

It gets sad a lot nowadays
Some say it'll be okay
Maybe it got better for them
but not for me
Never for me
it always gets sad

You said I am chaotic, so why choose me?*

Ah, sweetheart,
where shall I start?
Your surging tides,
your silent cries
Your mystifying desire,
your beauty afire
Your flashing radiance,
your captivating brilliance
Your unending wit,
and your eyes' mist
Your pretty soul, my love,
The truth in your dark half
You use your hands and enlighten
The painful past I have written

So why not, sweetheart?
What's not to love?

i'd like to take a chance but there is always a fault between our stars

October, I sent you a story
out of the blue, I sang to you:
But now you left me to love another
You have shattered all my dreams

I sent my message but your mind tends
to block all the noises from my head
You were changing, as I have feared of
Never did I imagine this to happen

November, I sent you another story
I wanted to press your body onto mine
Instead I held your hands tight and hoped
You'd feel the intensity of my jealousy

We should have kissed more, you said
Believe me, I craved for your touch
You're the one who wasn't sure of me
The one who didn't understand that much

December, I begged you to stay
Did you not notice?
I fed you words
I gave you what I had

but it just wasn't enough, was it?

I told you
I haven't done this and that
I like breaking my curfew

I didn't ask you to break them with me,
to do those things and make them so memorable

*I didn't expect you to be here in the first place

I planted kisses on your shoulder,
the cloth was not thick enough,
so I gave kisses on your back, only softer,
and they were enough.

I saw how the sun shines on you,
it was beautiful,
it was a bliss,
it was radiant.

I'll inhale more oxygen
and keep them inside me.
I'll wait for you to open,
but until then,
please let me be:
the air that will embrace you,
the one who misses you,
the phone you'll talk to
until the sunlight
meets your eyes.
let me die with you;
if you need redemption,
i wish i could be
the girl who saves you
from all the tears,
from your life's disarray
and help you forget
the pain that took
the old you away.
I will raze your chaos
and make them mine.
I will claim your mess
and gather all the signs
just to have a reason
to stay for another while.

you are still my zing
my one and only
the best and worst thing
thats ever happened to me

you are my angel
you are my butterfly
you taught me to fly
but not in hell

you are the spark
you are the haven
you put me in the dark
but also put an end

now i am in the dark again.

We were kids.
I am getting the feeling that I would say that one day.
Defense mechanism, I think, I could develop.
It is in the back of my mind.
It would be a shame to say, I know.
I would degrade all my relationships into something so small, so inconvenient, so… young, that it would mean nothing at all.

We were kids.
And I did not know what I was doing.

We were kids.
And I wasn’t supposed to fall in love at that age, and maybe I wasn’t.
Maybe I was merely confused, driven by trends, and friends, and hormones, and the idea of falling in love.
Maybe I was teaching myself, trying to make ourselves believe - both you and I - that we were in love, that this is love, in one way or another; but perhaps, in all ways, we just were not.

We were kids.
And now I’ve grown into something far more beautiful than being young.

I am in this place now, where nothing is wrong, and if there is, it is not about you anymore.
I am in this place now, where things are not as big as they seem, so when they topple all over me, I get hurt but do not cry anymore.
I am in this place now, where youth is vintage, forgetting is easy.
I am in this place now, beyond somewhere I could have imagined when I was daydreaming at fifteen - inside a classroom, passing notes in Math class.
I am in this place now, where I could say that it was foolish and exhilarating and beautiful.

We were kids. We were just kids.
(I made myself believe that.)