Lights off,
laying in my bed.
Can't fall asleep or
am I choosing not to?
Change, maybe that is
what I am looking for.
Perhaps a different avenue.
Go away for a while,
or go away forever.
Move on or work
with what I have.
Try harder, or maybe
just give up.
Dance the night away,
or stay sitting all night.
Push myself to the limit,
or hold myself back.
Dream those endless dreams,
or stay wide-awake.
Ahh, who knows,
where either will take me
but maybe,
maybe you just got me
over-thinking....

I'm completely intoxicated from you,
drunk off each of your sweet words I swallow
and high off the smell of your cologne
I can never get enough.

Hugs so tight I lose my breath,
kisses so passionate I lose myself,
Embraced in your arms,
I become lost in you.

My love, you have become my ecstasy
My sweet intoxication,
You have everything I've ever wanted or needed
I shall never have enough of this sweet madness.

Standing on the corner stranded,
no inkling on which way to go.
Everyone else is moving in one direction,
but I can't seem to make sense in where they are going.

My map seems to be filled with nonsense,
a seemingly perfected uncertainty of  truth.
I try to make meaning out of what it is trying to tell me,
but my mind's friend -numbness-
has paralyzed me.
I no longer trigger.
Consider me the clock on the wall with no batteries,
useless.

I hesitate, but move forward,
however, through the stumbling and swaying,
is it really forward I am moving?
More like backwards or motionless.
Static in one moment of time.
I stumble, I sway, perhaps I even fall.
It may be that falling is the direction this map leads to.

"Sir, here is three dollars,
May I have a new map please?"
Laughter in my face,
"Ha, If only it were that easy, my child!"

This place smells stale,
actually it smells like horrible.
Who am I trying to kid?
Ding- goes the elevator,
here come more people.
All forced here.
No where to go.
Crowded.
Uncomfortable.
Eerie silence.
Stiff chairs
Ding-goes the elevator,
here comes more people.
Lights flicker,
No air circulation.
Cold cement walls.
Stuck.
Ding-goes the elevator,
here comes more people.
Focus.
Distracted.
Annoyed.
Leaving.
Goodbye library.

I open my eyes each morning
to see the glistening of the sun,
as it hits the dew on the grass
spreading images of glitter across
the ground.

I close my eyes to the harsh words
headlined across my morning paper.
I don't dare reach out on my porch step
in efforts to grab that folded piece of garbage
screaming words of death,  poverty and war.

Instead I open my ears to wind,
the warm breeze that brings to my ears
the sweet music and rejoice sent to me
from the heavens above.

I close my ears to the voice on the t.v.
the cold, cruel voices,
only there to reinforce the
bitterness I find in my coffee.

Instead, I lean over the rose bush
smelling the sweet fragrance that
seeps into veins,
generously filling me with
happiness and life.

You see –we all have a choice.
See, we can all chose to live a life
of joy or a life of pain.
You see, many of us chose to share the sad things in life,
and while there are times when sadness is only right
we cannot allow it to take us over,
like a flood after a long storm.
And even when the biggest flood of them all,
is over and sun has dried up all the rain,
the roses will bloom again-- a little brighter than before,
the birds will sing a little again—a little louder than before
So choose life.
Choose love.

I want to scream or shout,
anything to help get me out of here.
I can't even seem to leave mentally
a moment never lost in song or dance.

Instead everywhere I look
I find constant reminders
of how I feel.
Books- covered in dust,
longing to be picked up and read.
The old  red bike in the shed,
hoping someone will share a beautiful summer day with it.
The little black dress in the back of my closet,
crying for night filled with oohs and aahs
while making heads turn.

But the books they are on my shelf,
the bike-- in my shed
and the dress in my size.
For I am the only one to blame
for leaving these once so prized possessions behind.
Forgetting them, leaving them in the past.
Although never used now,
they serve as the reminders
I dread to face each day.

Silence stretches through the sterile room we sit in
everyone stares at the sandy colored tile below their feet
Salty tears slip past our cheeks and hit that same cold floor.
The exchanges of glances are few, smiles--even fewer.

silence

Not sure what time will bring, but time is it all.
It holds the answers that this room has seemed to captured.
When will this nightmare be over?
What can we do to turn things back around?
and of course the hardest question maybe of them all- Why?
Why him?
Why us?
Why must anyone at all suffer through this?

silence

Time can't seem to go any slower,
the clock on the wall seems stuck.
The walls moving in on us
bringing us closer  to the brink of insanity
When will this nightmare be over?
When can we leave this hellish place for good?

*silence silence silence.........

Looking through photographs,
of who we used to be,
Holding on tightly,
to the sweet memories,
But just like the images,
spread across my bedroom floor,
they must be carefully put away.
It's time to let go of all the yesterdays.


But it's you-the one who changed everything,
who wants to bring back this past.
You must know what has been done can't be undone.
Your scarring words and deceitful lies,
are only what I know now.

I want you to stop bringing out,
the once so beautiful pictures,
that now just show sin .
It's time to bid farewell my friend
and burn those photos.
Goodbye, my friend.
Goodbye

I was born to believe
my wings were already clipped.
Stuck, like feet in the mud.

I was born to believe
there is no life outside
of what we have here.

I was born to believe
that there is no grass
on the other side at all.

I was born to believe
in one too many fallacies.
Ha, I'll show you!

The rain kept falling today,
caught in the cruel storm again.
I embrace myself as I step foot outside
the bitter reality bites my face.
Another day of rain,
Another day of disappointment.
“Oh the sun will come out tomorrow”
I can’t even find the melody to that song anymore.
Beginning to forget how the sun feels on my pale freckled skin
and even when the days begin to dry,
no hope is found in the puddles,
only mud and disgust is left behind.
No beauty is bloomed from the flowers,
now beaten to the ground and broken.
The only hope and beauty is in tomorrow
And what it may bring us,
That is—if you continue on for tomorrow.

The long and cold
winter that has suppressed us
into dark thoughts and beings
is about to be lifted.
I can feel it in the sun,
the warmth of it
against my pale cheeks,
whispering to me that
spring is almost here.


With spring we can begin again,
we see new beginnings and fresh starts
every where we look,
in the grass that slowly turns green,
and the tulips that kiss the air as the open.

So begin again,
start from scratch,
take a look at what today
has in store for you.
Let the warmth of the sun
take you, guide you
to where you dream to go.
Winter has said its goodbye,
you are free now.

Stupid girl they all mutter
Under their poisonous breaths,
I smile and pretend not to hear
their words -- they are like ice to me.
But the warmth you provide me
Melts away the harm
they bring to the table.
I believe not what they say
But instead in what you have
Chosen to show me.
I chose you.
Things changed too sudden though,
Like a banana that ripens over night.
Your words, once sweet
Become sour like a lime
brought to my lips.
I can’t explain what happened
As I watched it unfold
before my dark brown eyes
God, I begin to wonder
If what their saying was the truth.
Stupid girl I wonder
Stupid girl I mutter
under my own poisonous breath.

Closer and closer you came,
but you still felt so far away,
I didn't think I needed to worry.
I dread you,
you only want to bring me pain.
You try to mask it for me
with a facade of happiness,
but I can see through it.

Every step you take that brings you closer,
only pushes me farther and farther away.
I am running,
but getting no where.
I turn around and you are still there,
haunting me, screaming my name.
What is it that you want from me?
It doesn't matter anyway,
I am not willing to give this up for you.
Can't you just go?
Find someone else to play your silly mind games with?

For a moment I thought you were gone,
my worries were cast away,
but as I look into the passenger side mirror,
I get the biggest reminder of them all,
I see you coming up from behind
there to haunt me once again
I guess the mirror doesn't lie,
objects in the mirror are closer then they appear.