habits
like how i lock the bathroom door
when i'm the only one home
habits
like how i run my tongue over
cuts at the roof of my mouth
like how i drop my front hand
when i'm boxing
like how i fold down pages
of a book
like how i turn off plug sockets
when nothing's plugged in
like how i bite my nails
how i slouch
how i run my fingers over old scars
habits
like how i reach out for you
even though you're gone

this anger inside me is unstable; i can feel it ready to combust
i'm angry at the world
i'm angry that the kindest person i know was bullied
i'm angry that my friend's boyfriend is abusive
i'm angry that when i tell people i dont like physical contact they immediately ask 'what will happen if i ever have ***?'
i'm angry that a man in my town was stabbed to death because of his disability
i'm angry that the most beautiful people are always insecure
i'm angry that i can't help these people
that these people can't help themselves
but most of all i'm angry that all i want to do is explode
to self destruct
to combust
with minimal damage

people always say how
scars are beautiful
because they show where
you've been
but really
scars aren't pretty
there's nothing pretty about
a gaping wound on your wrist
or torn up skin
and i don't think the people
who say scars are beautiful
really understand what
it means to be
scarred

I saw someone today
and he looked like you
I thought about
saying that to him
but I realised that
he doesn’t care that
he looks like you

he doesn’t care that
he looks like a boy
who I once was close to
who had to leave
who is so far away
and who I miss very much

he doesn’t care that
he looks like a boy
who was very sad a lot
who had a troubled mind
who wrote poetry
and I miss very much

he doesn’t care that
he looks like a boy
who left me
who never said goodbye
who killed himself last june
and who I miss very much

love is an illusion
it’s just oxytocin;
a chemical in the brain
it’s not real
but the
magnocellular neurosecretory cells
must be very good
at making it
and the posterior lobe
must be very good
at releasing it
into my blood
because it feels
pretty **** real
to me