do not mock me.
anything i have been through is not for you to mock.
all the pain and heartache and all the other things you have no clue about,
they are not yours to poke fun at.
only mine too pull apart and dissect.
don't even think for one moment that my suffering is yours to take on and throw at me like knives when it's most convenient for you.
do not mock me.

I'm having those three am thoughts at midnight. It's like someone is reaching in through my ear and grabbing my brain, pushing and compressing it against my eye sockets so that my eyes blur. I'm having those three am thoughts at one am where the devil reaching up from under my bed and he is grabbing my wrist shaking my body over and over. He is pulling my hair and pinching my sides and making every sinful flaw I have stick out in my mind. I'm having those three am thoughts at two am, the time when I plug in my lights because suddenly I'm afraid of the dark. When all my darkest thoughts come to life, dancing on the walls in shadows of pain and misery. I'm having those three am thoughts at three am. I'm having those thoughts that make me do things I don't want. It's that time when all of the three am thoughts compile together to make the biggest three am thought there is. I'm having a four am thought at four am, and I'm regretting every three am thought that I had that night. Because if I knew what my four am thought would've said to me then all those three am thoughts wouldn't have happened; and maybe I wouldn't have destroyed half of portfolio because I couldn't see where I was going, or because the devil on my shoulder said the angel took a break, or because I needed scrap for my fire because my lights were broken. I would have my four am thoughts at every hour if I could, but because of my three am thoughts I feel as if they're the only thoughts I'll ever have.


Oddly enough I think I might be okay with that.