i sit
completely still.
painfully aware of the fact
that i am not moving foward.

i look down upon my useless form
as if outside my body
and wonder why i don't get up
do something
create something
be something
do anything
at all

bound by fear and and perfectionism
or perhaps just laziness
i wait for the perfect time to start
but it doesn't come
because it's already passed me by
at least a hundred times.

tomorrow,
tomorrow,
tomorrow,
and i will change.

but it's today.

and here i sit.

the yearning ache within me to be something
do something great
make a name for myself
be somebody
be good at something,
anything,
is so strong
to the point of being paralyzing
for the fear of ruining it before
i even lay pen to page,
finger to shutter,
paint to paper
is overwhelming.

here i sit.

maybe tomorrow will be the day.




and maybe i've already let it pass me by.

white gulls from the sea,
to me they call,
one alone in the darkness;
a light shines and their hope is mine -
the hope they bore aloft.

out of the shadows i am come,
and forth into the twilight.
the night is gone and sun is warm
and air is pure once more.

renewed is strength in heart and bone
to carry on my journey home;
and journey on and on i shall,
and though feet may falter,
my heart will not.

i want your fire to spread through my veins
i want to feel it spread through every part of me
i want to be scorched from the inside out
i want to tingle from head to toe with your spirit
i want it to pulse alive within me
i want to burn for you
every second
of every day
i want it to burst from my mouth
searing my throat with your love
i want to see others on fire
burning and smouldering as i do
i want to fall on my knees
overwhelmed by your totality
your power
your grace
i want this feeling to be the center of my life
every hour
every minute
every second
until the day you call me home
this fire will not be quenched;
i will burn to ashes for you.

soulful reverberations resonate within my chest.
drowning out and yet magnifying the yearning ache within;
hollow. transparent.
i lie on the floor
as honest and open as you'll ever see me.

it hums like electricity as it pulses through my veins;
infecting my blood and pressing me to the core.
craving to get out,
this song suffocates;
bound within my skin;
my soul is too big for my body.

it's funny how it echoes like there is nothing inside...

so much lies within.

If I could get on a plane right now, I would.
Leave everyone and everything behind;
making my own destiny
from the wings in the sky.
I want to prove you all wrong
I want to prove myself wrong.
Overcoming complexes born into me.
My fight is hard
but i do not want to be
what genetics and family history
tell me I will be.
I'm going to break that trend
change my name
change my game
I'm going to rewrite this story.
Honesty.
That's what drives me to be
I want to hear truths,
not sugar-coated compliments
that make me doubt sincerity.
Why is it so hard for me to believe?
I'm gonna fly.
Airports feel like home to me
people leaving
people coming.
"Someone's last goodbye
blends in with someone's sigh"
you're either going off
or coming home.
My soul roams
looking for faces I don't know;
trying to guess their stories.
I AM good enough
I may not talk your ears off
have a hot ***
or stand out brilliantly
but I am enough.
Those who cannot see
are blind.
There will always be
the enemy
trying to bring me down.
Self-worth is my weakness
and he knows it.
But I have my armor, I have my sword
I have my cunning wit.
This war is mine.
This war is yours.
How invisible it all seems
and yet it is here
bursting from my very own seams.
Take my hand.
Do you feel the electricity
humming in my bones?
Jumping off a dock
the icy water
jolts my heart
and I feel alive.
Your hand strong in mine
run with me.
My clumsiness
causes me to trip.
Often.
Some say enduring
I say annoying.
If I had wings
then I could fly
and not trip upon uneven ground.
Stairway to freedom
to feel the wind on my face
and in my hair.
A car rushes to sunnier shores
music blasting
lungs filled with songs
as we speed down that old highway.
Camaraderie.
A family truer than my own.
I'm at home on the road
sea salt on our skin
stories by a fireside
the stars as blankets
friends as pillows.
A feeling of unconditional
love
friendship
truth.
That does not often
weave itself
into the patterns of
daily life.
Brothers and Sisters,
though not by birth
are almost of a better kind;
you have to find them
and enchant their hearts
as they do yours
with no ties of blood
keeping you together.
My space.
My place.
My spot in life
is wherever I currently stand
or sit
or sleep
or think
or love
or dream.
Here I am.

beyond, the kids play
evergreen all year long, but
not real; astro-turf.

what are my dreams?
what are my passions?
how do i achieve those?
can i do that
and be somewhere
with the one i love
at the same time?
what am i ready for?
what am i not ready for?
what excites me?
what scares me?
how will my life turn out?
can i try to better myself
and be successful at it?
can i change, or am i stuck this way?
what if i fail?
why does my mind
like to play tricks on me
or mess with my heart?
what is good and what is best?
what is wrong with me?
why do i doubt when i can see what is good?
what makes me feel free?
what makes me feel safe?
am i afraid to be uncomfortable?
am i afraid to take a risk?
am i afraid to love and be loved fully?
is there more to life than this?
why do i get confused?
why can't i be really good at something?
why can't i just let things be?
when will i learn that i can't fix things in an instant?
why don't i know what i want to do with my life?
how am i limited? how am i not?
what do i want from life? what do i not want?
how do i live for the Lord and not for myself?
how do i stop being selfish?
how do i make a difference?
how will i know that this is it?
when will i realize that there is no such thing as perfection on earth?
when will i learn to be happy and content with what i have?
will i always be crazy?
how do i stop my whims of emotion from getting the best of me?
how do i figure it out?
when will i figure it out?