Dear friend,
My sister is a *******
trip.

My sister
encapsulates her own name.
By definition it means
“admirable, wonderful”.
She’s spoken in sunsets
since she was born.
I’ve seen people
surround her solely
to hear her
next words.

You will never meet
someone as
bright.
It makes no sense,
humans don’t illuminate
themselves.
That’s true,
she illuminates rooms.
Her aura has always
been eagerness followed
by hilarity.

I haven’t seen
anyone yawn in
her presence in
two years
for fear of missing
out on anything
she’d say.
Everything is exaggerated,
her smile
her laugh
her clothes
herself.



My life has been
defined by her very existence.
I know happiness
because she’s
lived 19 years of it.
She came into this world first,
and it suits her.
She said hello before
I took my first sip of air.

She ***** around
and still manages to make
something beautiful.
She ***** around
and still manages to be
something beautiful.
She is abstract art
along with the likes of
Picasso
she is hard to look at.
You have to squint your eyes
to understand her whole.
Step back and look at her
her voice is worth galaxies.
I’m proud to
be of relation.

My sister
is my sister
is my twin
is Miranda.

I am the girl
Who had a knife to her wrist
I am the girl
Who had a cord around her throat
I am the girl
Who held a hundred pills in her hand

I'm writing this now
Because I stand on the precipice
Of falling back into
the depression of a previous life

No one really knows
How close I have been
To ending everything
By different manners

As I think back to who I was
I realize that how I feel now
Is not far from I felt then
And I fear this.

I fear falling back into that
Settling back into an old shell
That is comfortable
But the opposite of safe

I hope it is just the imbalance
I hope it is just the change
I hope it isn't permanent
I hope it is over soon

But I was the girl
Who almost committed suicide
.

I lost my mind the other day.
I found it hiding
in the corner of my closet.
I tried to pick it up
it told me
“No more
I’ve been picking up after you for far too long. Give me a break.
I need to empty out the unfinished sentences
and broken scenarios you’ve left graffitied on my inside.”
“I’ll be back when I’ve healed”

It returned yesterday
and told me
"You worry me into a panic
I can't leave every time
you fall asleep
to the sound of your heart
pounding so loud you can hear
nothing else.
People are beautiful
and you know this
because you are one.
You have every reason to
love this world
You have every chance to explore it.
Instead you choose to stay at home
and watch a new movie
Because its much easier to watch excitement
than it is to experience it.
How selfish of you.
You were given this chance
to live
and instead you simply choose
to exist.
Do not sell yourself short.
Do not be afraid of New.
Do not harbor Old.
Release what you know
and replace it with
more.
Give life its chance to prove
that it isn't as scary
as you think
it is.
I won't leave you again
but don't give me
a reason to."

My car is filled to the brim
An iced coffee in my cup holder
And one of Smashmouth’s two well-known songs blares through my radio speakers
As I pass rolling hills, barbed wire fences, and corn stalks taller than my 1998 Ford Explorer
Everything tastes familiar
The flavor of my favorite drink
A nostalgic song from my childhood
And the pathway home

Set before me is the most gorgeous scenery anyone could ask for
The road that takes me to the place I most want to be
Three grain elevators sparkle with all the allure of the emerald city
Beckoning me forward
Taking my heart back to the place I can always return to
Trees wave their branches covered in elaborate displays of amber and green
As if they know I have returned
The boy who used to climb their thick trunks
With a posse of dirt-clad children from the neighborhood
This place is painted with beautiful memories
And nowhere else can be so inviting
I am home.

I've gone through plenty of loss in my life.
And I promise this isn't going to be the poem you think it's going to be.
So anyways as I was saying,
I've lost quite a few people who were important to me,
and I went through the grieving process,
blah, blah, blah you know the routine.
Keep in mind these deaths were not easy deaths to deal with.
I've lost three dogs, a cat, a hamster, countless fish, an aunt, a cousin, a grandma, and a grandpa.
None of these deaths were easy to deal with,
even the animals
but I recovered fairly quickly.
I learned that they were in a better place.
But I never felt I really learned anything about life through these deaths.
They were all long coming,
the animals were old,
and so were the people.
All of the relatives had terminal illness'
so we had time to prepare ourselves.
It wasn't until I was sitting in my basement,
reading a post on Facebook that I realized how short life is.
I came upon a post about a man who I work with,
he is a manager and the head chef at the restaurant.
I read that he had been in a fatal motorcycle accident.
Out of all the people in the world,
he would not have been my pick for "next to die".
He died at a heart-breakingly young 41 years of age.
I had never been close with this man,
he was simply a chef at the restaurant,
who occasionally yelled at me,
and questioned me about my *** use,
and my tattoo.
But hearing about his death,
broke my heart even more than losing my family members did.
I thought of his children,
a 5 year old and a 1 year old,
and I found that I was much sadder than I expected to be.
His wife and children had seen him a day prior,
and then the next thing they know,
he was just gone.
No goodbyes,
no last words.
Now I'm not writing this to make anyone sad.
I'm writing this for myself,
and others who needed help to realize
how beautiful,
and breathtaking this life actually is.
His death has helped me realize that.
I may not love myself everyday,
but I love everyday, that I am blessed enough to open my eyes.
It's become a cliche to say how short life is,
but it truly is.
It's sad,
but it's also beautiful at the same time.
We get one chance,
one.
I think that's amazing.
We're given this one chance to do whatever we want,
knowing that we aren't immortal,
we will die in the end,
not knowing when the end will be,
and we still decide to keep on living.
Hoping everyday will give us something more.
One more little memory to take with us for the rest of our days.
So after I'm done writing this,
I'm going to go to sleep,
and hope that when I wake up tomorrow,
I will still realize how beautiful it is just to be breathing.
RIP Dino.

Last Friday I did a very good job
of drinking away
my anxiety.
The sad part was
the only person
there to see it
was my mom.

It took me awhile,
but  five beers
and two
hard ciders later
I was free.

I’m almost 19
and I’ve already
started solving
my problems
with vices.

I had my *** phase.
It treated me no better
than any cigarette I bummed.
In the end
it was all just smoke.

Alcohol made me into something
I believed to be better.
I smile because I mean it.
I don’t shy away
From people.
But I’ve come to realize
that I’m worth more
than two shots of *****
and bottle of Mike’s Hard

It’s so easy to forget
what’s circling
in my brain.

I forgot about
school starting
in 2 weeks.

I forgot about my friends
and why
I’ve been feeling
that there’s a lack there of.

It is no ones fault
but my own.
I have no pity
for myself.

I’ve refused to believe
that taking a pill
would vacuum
away the half finished
poems and the
torn up ideas I have
in my mind.

It’s become very
difficult
to explain
myself.
Most times I wish
I didn’t have too.

I’ve never been approachable.
I look mean
But I promise
I’ve always tried to give
everything.
I always thought
that if I said yes
then so would others.

I woke up that Saturday
at  five a.m.
Realizing
that the world kept moving
when mine slowed down.
School will still come
and so will tomorrow.

Give me a pack of cigarettes
Because it’s much easier
to wash that smell from my mouth
than it is to get
these thoughts out.