I feel with my brain
And think with my heart,
I graph palpitations and love with a chart,
I smile with my eyes
and speak with my hands,
I cry a lot
and make demands,
The way the sun shines makes me shiver,
Towards the clouds my bow and arrow quiver,
I blow off friends
And ignore people,
I turn my back on the church steeple,
I lay still while the world spins,
I lose while everyone wins.

I'm not ashamed of my feelings.
I'm in love with all this anger,
obsessed with this depression,
crazy about my anxiety.

I'm not ashamed of my hatred,
the way it boils up inside of me,
the way it bubbles and spills over.
I hate politics,
I hate race,
I hate religion.
I don't discriminate.
I hate everyone equally.
We are all worthless,
robots with a pulse.
We are all equally worthless,
none of us special,
all of us the same,
dying each and every day,
one at a time.

I'm not ashamed of what I think.
I'm not lost in a world of new technology,
I'm not a teenager with silly problems,
I'm not suicidal,
simply because I wonder
what it would feel like
to taste the metal of a gun
in my mouth.
I'm not a *****,
simply because I enjoy ***.
I'm not eternally ******.
I'm not worried about
heaven or hell.
I'm not worried about death,
sweet release that it is.

I'm not afraid of these things,
these thoughts and feelings.
I'm not a dreamer
and I'm not a realist.
I'm lodged in the logistics
of culture and society.
I'm free falling
between atheism and existentialism.
Hate me for not believing
in God or humanity.
Hate me for loving only myself.
Hate me for saying
what you have probably felt
but never actually said.
Hate me.
I dare you.

Your smile
tastes of mint smoke.
It’s refreshing
against the taste of my tears
and the drink you gave me
to stop them.
Your eyes
trace their way down
my body
seeing
knowing
touching
every little sweet spot
long forgotten.
Your hands
melt into mine;
a connection revisited.
And for a moment
I see in your gaze
that (love lust longing) we shared.
I blink
and it is gone
in the moonlight
and blinking light
from your clock.
So I close my eyes
and let the smell of tobacco
in your hair
and the smile against my lips
bring me
to a dark connection
I know far too well.
We can be together.
Just one more time.
Just for tonight.

Conscience, consuming.
My stomach has turned inside
and in on itself.

My eyes have rotted
and reduced to such lifeless,
stationary orbs.

Today is the day,
I ***** my weaknesses
to teach myself strength.

Dancing, spinning in the dark,
Catching glimpses of reality
But always retreating
Happily settling
Into comforting ignorance

Believing in daydreams
Delighted in fantasies
Swept up in someone else’s love
Never deserving, always wanting
Insatiable appetite for desire

Crashing, falling we let it go
Moments of desire, guilt and joy
Mingle and melt like uncountable tears
Hastily brushed away
From an ever cheerful face

Hiding the secrets, Hiding the lies
My tiny escapes define me
We dance together
For better for worse
Forever entwined your heart and mine
As I smile upon your saddened face, the dance begins again.