no i'm not

burning orbital
rebirth of the death
I yearn for
but most assuredly fear

my old stomping ground
a violent playground
where kids emulate birds
the pecking order
last one to the sandbox
goes to prison
blood, sweat and knuckle sprains
truimph, loss and growing pains
but i am not the sum of it
nor it the sum of me
i have lived other lives
so why do i identify with it so strongly

wind chimes and I think of you
when your laughter echos
stillness in my heart  
when you hold me with your gaze
blue eyes shining like the stars
on a clear night
captured like a fox in a snare
helpless and wanting

my head is
a vacant lot
loaded with automatic cars
idling in a polluted environment
full of bidding corporations
run by empty businessman
who take advantage
of a selfish inward populace
that raise  violent  children
who  turn off their minds to the madness,  cruelty 
and cultural void at the local nightclub
called "Numb" or " E-tarded" 
and slobbering over drinks and beats 
like the sounds of horns
from a traffic jam
driven by impatient animals
 in a sheepfold bawing
their way to the nearest vaccination center
for thier imaginary  twinrix dose of 
swine ***** and orange juice
that skyrocket diabetes rates above google hits 
and fat conservative voter polls
broadcasted daily by popular media botox injections
that styme creativity
with  the same ****** music
played over and over and over
like the broken recorded rhetoric
that tell us to  destructively reach out 
to foreign countries
while  selling ourselves out for better cars
but increase profits and taxes
at the same rate of the rising  prison population
and shrinking contributions
to  health care , edU-caTion ,  community and environment
all the while you can hear the sheep bleat and beep and bleat and beep

epitomize
and optimize
imitate
and recalibrate
streamline
and recombine
the evolutionary "line"

fireflies  
and theorize
circulate
and gyrate
guideline
and divine
the galaxy and the stars

moonrise
and clockwise
death rate
and procreate
sunshine
and lifeline
laws of nature are defined

maximize
and re-size
penetrate
and migrate
bloodline
and decline
the story of our world

allies
and despise
prostate
and dictate
enshrine
and benign
generations throughout time

endings
and beginnings
losing
and winnings
and everything
in between
is what we find

Life is a coin toss between the bold and fearsome
Success a toss between perception and Journey
Destitute a toss between laziness and loyalty
Happiness a toss between compromise and fullfillment
And spirit is a free and strong willed creature with a sword in one hand
a bow at its side the steppes at his feet  and an unbreakable mind.

i dither i dather
anything i'd rather
than do what
i'm supposed to today
i let my mind wander
somewhere out yonder
and i choose
another game to play
i frit and i fret
nothings done yet
much less than
my obligations for sure
but if i chose to work
instead of just lurk
i wouldn't be
procrastinating anymore!!!

tarantula crawled slowly
beneath the vine of the soul
voices drifted darkly
spirits  in repose
said that not one thing stays the same
words of inspiration
where nothing is to blame
pilgrims migrate
to the sound of a horn
originally didn't stork
take the new born
must be something that i ate
mainly mushrooms, cylocybate
nevertheless something told me
leaving no debate
our wise and giving mother
we first scorned then we *****
was a guitar sound that got me
it played out of tune
like an octave burning slowly
a red flame but cold ember
over a sparse and lonely moon
she crawled over careful
venomous hairs across  her back
a calculated movement
the spider who caught the cat
its not the fangs that scare me
a wise but ugly man once said
its the fear we inject
like a venom working slowly
it seeps till at first you can't move
and eventually your dead.

for BD

it crawled up my arm this time
through my ear and inside my mind
while a liquid the color of blood
trickled from my eye
a sound from a bell tower churned
Like martinis shaken than  poured  over ice
a man turned towards me
He made a bet and cast his dice
All the while a clock was ticking loudly
an echo inside  my head
A boatman was shouting in the distance
your here now
but soon you´ll be dead
and the Cheshire he smiled warmly
as the spider laid its trap
doubt not your heart he said
there's more to  truth there than just the facts
trumpets were playing  loudly
And the executioner held his axe
a moon crested over horizon
While a play write was finishing his act
he lit a cigarette mildly and tossed it on the floor
smoke plumed out the window and then was no more
death can be blinding
said a rattling snake
he left his skin behind him
and towards the future he did make

a try hard posing
like the mystery read
stuck in movie land
and your the shooting star
instead of helping others
you announce yourself plainly
you make sure they know who you are
driving a lifestyle
you can't afford
while telling others
in life your bored
you feign disinterest
and look at me like a pawn
but i am not like the rest
i see you for you
and  barely stifle a yawn...

In the Darkness I smile
knowing all the while
deep inside my inner child
lies lust and danger ever wild

A breath of air I do mark
for if not to fight I do bark
if not for purpose on a lark
I do act like the  shark

I chew and spit and cry out loud
adrenaline veins  stain my shroud
destroy the living I have vowed
the lives of kings are strong and proud

My magic bullet knows no bounds
I hunt bloodthirsty like the  hell hounds
and in the air  you hear my sound
as I hunt and take  my quarry down

Anger  surges inside of me
yet deathly still I can be
invisible as to not see
the moment of deaths pedigree

You may see me in your dreams
or in shadow as it may seem
black scales and midnight gleam
a ray of darkness or evil scream

Hope fades waning in the light
when evil wings do take flight
storm clouds rising bring the blight
screams of anguish in the night

Temptation brings a soul  to steal
great white hunts unknowing seal
darkness hides thus won't reveal
one of the seven, named Belial.

Death toll climbing as is willed
fallow soul left unfulfilled
guilt pollutes decay instilled
no goodness left when we have killed

Humanity I cry,  let thou be warned
when thou livest a life of scorn
a lie be a dagger like an acorn
where a tree from a seedling leaves are born.

why can't we just say what we want
without fearing threat or taunt
from a concerned parental  organization
ready to file a class action

whats so offensive
and why are people so defensive
when the truth looks you in the eye
like a fat kid on a smartee

wouldn't it be to  better learn
about each other in turn
without the white wash or cover
by some pedantic unsexed house marm who hovers

isn't the truth better to tell
instead of hide fact in a shell
better out in the open i say
the color of Grey is  gray

i think we could learn in a world of truth
where the smart, athletic, fat, lazy and stupid live under one roof
where personal responsibility
is synonymous with accountability

wouldn't be amazing if we could look honestly
at ourselves most modestly
take criticism with a grain
for the purpose of personal gain

instead of a world of fear and litigation
we might choose hope and imagination
when to laugh instead of take offense
at the most obvious and intense

........

ps.....

so what if she is to fat to wear thong underwear
atleast she's not dumb as your boyfriend
besides, she can always lose weight
since the car accident your boyfriend will always be stupid...

smile on the inside
when your having a ****** up day
good vibes bring better things
and tomorrow is a brand new day
focus on the positive
when **** hits the fan and your face
if you believe in solutions not problems
you will  learn to stand in a better place
believe in the power within in you
even when you can't cope anymore
energy affects matter
your thoughts are what opens new doors

dark twists of fate
left me uncomfortable of as of late
a karmic lesson knocking at my door
where time seems to me to be a *****
she left me standing all alone
like a dog who lost his bone
a disappearing shooting star
or an empty glass at the bar
but temptation told me to wait
like the apple Adam ate
sure, it it tastes good at first
until god leaves you cursed
where you stand naked in the light
a stark contrast to the bright
no lies or  fiction
no rub to friction
the truth stands right before you
a lie you can't pretend not to see through
but belief is  a strong force
to creating life without remorse
will thy will is the law
Crowley's epitaph in the maw
and twists of fate oft come late
they are there for us to satiate
times a ***** we all share
but she's sometimes the ***** we can't bare
she's also the the ***** that we beseech
so over the wall and into the breach
go where you want whenever you go
the key is to trust and not to know
to laugh, and to lust and to enjoy
its a skill most forget to employ
passion is a fruit but its also a need
your life is a gift for you to succeed
there is an entire world for you to  immerse
as you are the only expression of you in the universe.
because death stalks us slowly until that day
its a constant  reminder  in strange way
to be who you are without being told
without fear of repercussion dare to be bold
to live your life every day
with love in your heart expressed in your own way

She got under me somehow slowly
the beat of a heart close to mine
so a flower i wanted to give to Her
for treating  me the lover,
like wine legs on  glass
strawberry perfume
smokey at first with a hint of pine
like an after taste
you can't let go
a mouthful of the divine

a flower i would like to give to Her
for the song together we sang
last time perhaps then She will come again to me
our paths and endeavors will entwine yes, a flower i will give to Her for the futureis always blindone that  capturesHer beautyHer vibrationand maybe even Her shineperhaps than Shewill come to mearms outstretched from Her sideswe can share a song together againand maybe She will become mine.

cycles and an endless ride
motor speed and cars collide
an empty highway
the gutter is calling
gotta get away

its like falling hard
from the heavens
you know you just can't miss
inside body burning 
 mind floating in the abyss

silence is broken
a tree just fell
darkness envelops
in the distance
tolls a bell

the falconer
becomes the falcon
unison complete
the pattern never broken
the path just repeats

scream ****** mercy
i don't understand
where wise ones who guide in darkness
there lies a grasping hand

an empty field with rolling sage
a howl in the wind
a storm cloud drifting
the smell of spring
and a raindrop in your hand

soft energy
and warm caress
lips damure and
perfect *******

musical laughter
long brown hair
an angel of sin
with artistic flair

perfume fill me
without a fight
senses tell me
that this is right

happy feelings
mingled with fear
to lose again
when heart does care

pale skin
and blue eyes
yearn to touch
her inner thighs

storm clouds gather
lightning strikes
heated passion
and candle light

she comes to me
through the night
flames spreading
as sparks ignite

once was lost
and then was bound
as she captured me
with hypnotic sounds

ice cream flavours
sensate delight
wet pleasures
throughout  the night

my fears inside
are all but drowned
as she touches me
i turn her around

sweat stained pleasure
and sticky sheets
we lay there panting
in the heat

morning comes
dawn escapes
i look for her
my soul mate

i lay back slowly
and realise
the dreams i've had
and visualised

star shines brightly
oceans churn
as she fills my thoughts
my heart does burn.

dog wiggles and wags and shakes his tail
while cat hisses and spits and bares its nails
dog catches ball and Frisbee alike
cat hangs around and  mews when it likes
dog protects and marks its place
cat sleeps all day and is hard to trace
dog lives by pack rules and mentality
at times  i think cat lives unattached to me
dog is all drool with autonomic leg kick
cat is  all purr but can't catch a thrown stick
dog i must walk or  run with attention
cat leaves home with barely a mention
dog marks its place again and again
cat pees in  in a square box as its been trained
dog and cats both age in human years times seven
both age quickly then go to heaven
my dog is still imaginary or so it seems
and my cat has moved on live in its dreams
perhaps in the future when all is clear
say goodbye to my kitty and a puppy I'll rear....

eyes locked and i knew
i have always needed you
my heart knows its true

sensate overload
left  me chasing the feeling
of that first time high....

discomfort followed by pleasantry
a smile and a little light conversation
touch hands a strong connection
a vision takes me to places
as we dance under a rainswept sky with lightning
passionately ******* each other
soaked to the bone  as we kiss
snap back to present as you say goodbye
we part company unknowing
past or future potential

frothing boil
over green liquid blue
i gasp for air
*******
down
legs kicking
arms flailing
panic
anger
life flashing
sadness
fear
i fill my lungs
last breath....
last breath...

my life is a series of
ups and downs
an elevator run by
circus clowns
a little to the left
a little to the right
the more you try
the harder the fight
if i could only remember
that lesson from the elder
where she held me captive
like a flame to an ember
and in the glow
her knowledge let go
to me,  that wisdom
like water flows
the way you lose
is in the way you choose
to be the knee or the ****
a sneer or a smirk
accept or refuse
its all in your muse
to give or to take
are you solid or a flake
the pin or the wheel
to oil or let squeel
a penny or a dime
its all in your mind
as is time as is time....

some still haven't let go
grasping at me with tendrils
like the wisps of smoke
you find hanging in the air
ethereal, drifting
but vulnerable
i've been shattered
and swept up
been put back together
and thrown back up
but i always made it back
maybe not entirely the same
perhaps altered
but not deranged
haggared and rough around the edges
for sure, but still together
its true i learned a lot
worked my way through
something i fought
either way, i am still here
wiser in ways
torn in others
jaded in some
but stronger by far

to the managers of hello poetry.....

to whom it may concern
i would like another exposure
more than one i think i have earned
i've used up the ones you gave me
but have published other poems for sure
i have commented on writers who inspired
and for my comments you've promised me more
to others i have given my mouthful
but for exposures you can count me poor
how do i get an exposure
when i think i've done all i can
i just want my poems read by others
read once and  again and again
please hold up your part of the bargain
and read the fine print too
for it says that you'll help expose me
so others can comment too....

loneliness seems to me like a pet
that i carry with me or me with it
on a leash made of dull  and achy sinew
joy stretched to a thin strip of flesh
i pull on nightly with my left
if i want to feel like its someone else
fulfillment found in the back of a magazine
or with my internet "date"
we have met before many times
solitude broken by walks
where i am greeted by the many strangers
whom glimpse at me so impersonally
with glib smiles and vacant eyes
I march, doll drums beating
to the sound of  nothingness
on a landscape hazy and clouded over
a life on an escalator
that brings me up then leaves me down
rushing from one box and back to the other
always held fast by my leash
and always,  hoping to find you
my beam of light
in this dark corner
to share with you the unfettered joy
i think i would feel with you

death becomes white moon
ghost taken from paradise
eagle leaves his roost

The krakken is always there
waiting to pull me under

the deep weight of depression that
seeks to destroy me.

I float adrift as if in the abyss
only to find myself  at the start again

where the journey is an uphill walk
through the mire and brine of foggy alcohol.

my flower blew away
the wind took her
one petal at a time
i could hear each one
as they were torn off
a ripping sound
a violent separation
of the heart
till there were two left...
she loves me...
she loves me not.

lost like a hollow in a hole
where the dark shadow  of my stagnant soul
tortures the light endlessly
a shadow should be cleaner
or at least have the feeling
it can be
but here i am chasing again
and if it weren't for the comfort of my
habitual self destruct
id have nothing
save for what i really yearn for.
life.

i feel alive.