oh i look alive sure
i should do
but i am a blur
of high and not being
sober
i refuse to exist sober
aerosol and ****
food is scarce
i never feel like eating
i want to curl up and cry
anytime, all the time
nothing matters
not me
not the ghost of him
not the ghost of all my sins
nothing matters but the up
smoking and huffing and cutting and crying
laughing and smiling like it does
when your watching them
knowing their watching you
destroying yourself

once upon a time,
a man called daniel
rented a room in a street
near a town,
where my feet struck pavement
a lot of my life
daniel and me,
we met in a pub,
on a warm
july night
he took me home
filled me with charm
kissed me under a bridge
daniel was older than me
by 22 years
knew where his hands wandered
knew i was 14 and an addict
oh his mouth said all kinds of filthy things
while he held me down
and i went back
and i want his mouth off my skin
his fingers and everything else

oh this may be a blip
in judgement, a bad error
the darkness is swallowing me
i found you on here again
i'm a great person
after all
but
it is dark inside here
my mind, i mean
the candles snuffed, bulbs burst,
i want to turn the lights on
oh i knew i was a rebound
didn't know thatd hurt like this.
i am following the darkness
that i shouldn't have been in

miss me,
think of me at 3am
of how you said you wouldn't
leave
but what did i expect
with your words
clearly faker than you
nothing about us was real.
i see that she was right now
post-you is awful