i laid there for 2 hours
staring at the blades of
the oak ceiling fan as they
created a constant rhythm
stirring the air that
was circulating this
godforsaken room.

i laid there with just
a shirt on
plucking the torn
threads that sprouted
from the couch cushions --
i just laid there.
numb.

nothing really seemed the same anymore


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


tell me,

why didn't you stop?
i asked you to stop
14 times
and those stops were
intertwined with
quiet, desperate whispers
of "please" and "no"
i know you heard me
i know you knew what
you were doing
and i know that you
knew that i wanted you to
stop.

but you didn't.
you didn't stop.

so look at me,
take a look at me.
fractured, unraveling and
spiraling downward faster
than anything you've ever seen.

look what you've done.
**look at me.

you trace your finger
along my stomach
umbilicus to sternum
but that finger might as well
be a knife
allowing you to open me so you can
carefully pry apart my ribcage
with your demeaning hands

ive let you in
unwillingly
you're seeing parts of me
that God intended for us
to keep hidden from others

your eyes are opened
to what ive kept inside
the knots and
the butterflies and
the cracks and
the broken pieces of me

my ribs are shelves
collecting those knots
and butterflies and cracks
and broken pieces of me
displaying them like antiquities
each separated by empty space
that i prayed you'd fill
but all you do is
stare
unsatisfied

and when you're finished
you sew me back together
with lashes of shame and disgust
all i wanted was to please you
to see you show any type of empathy
or interest in who i really am
but you don't
why would you?

you taught me to truly hate myself
and guided me there with a book
hand written in cursive
illustrated and inspired by that
vicious tongue of yours

ive caged all of my demons
in hopes that ill be good enough
but i never am
i never will be
so i might as well set them free
and see what comes of it
and what comes of you and me

im in deep water
and can't find
a hand to hold or
a ledge to grab onto
i can't even feel my
legs enough
to use them

i can't save myself
and im trying
dear god
im trying

where are you
where have you been
i need you
so badly

and now
i see you
you're standing
ten feet away
above water
turned the other way
humming tunes
filled with hesitation
anger
and mistrust

you're allowing me to
drown
to suffocate
and i'll
sink slowly
until i hit the bottom

and when you turn
around
ill be gone

then maybe you'll be happy

71 days
since you looked
at me
clenching your phone
as your knuckles fade
into the brightest of whites
& water droplets consume
your bottom lashes
71 days since
you told me
she wasn't going
to make it

68 days
since we sat in my car
silent
tears crawling down your
sweet cheeks
outside of that place
they call hospice
& we call hell

*55 days
since you called me from
school and begged that
i pick you up
so i did
and we drove
we drove aimlessly until
we found a diner to
eat at
a diner that held no
significance
no memory of that
sweet woman you knew
you were about to
lose

51 days
since you told me
"i want her to let go now"
"she needs to be free"

50 days
since you said your
good-byes
you told her you loved her
and all she could
manage
was a tender
squeeze of the hand

48 days
since your father fell
asleep for
three minutes
holding her cold hand
and within that
short
one hundred and eighty seconds
3:30 a.m.
she slipped into her
next life
dressed in white, i'm sure
leaving behind this
family of
now
only
4.

47 days
since my mother
watched a shadowed
figure leave &
disappear from
my little brother's room
at four a.m.
as he slept

it was her, i'm sure*

42 days
since i stood next
to you
looking down at
a body no longer
full of
life
draped in pink
holding your hand

33 days

24 days

16 days

9 days

3 days

&
last night
all i could say
was i'm sorry
as i held your
trembling hands
soothing your rapid
repetitive
breathing &
promising those
swollen eyes that you
will
one day
be held by her again
instead of me
as you
dance with her in the sky