i laid there for 2 hours
staring at the blades of
the oak ceiling fan as they
created a constant rhythm
stirring the air that
was circulating this
godforsaken room.

i laid there with just
a shirt on
plucking the torn
threads that sprouted
from the couch cushions --
i just laid there.
numb.

nothing really seemed the same anymore


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


tell me,

why didn't you stop?
i asked you to stop
14 times
and those stops were
intertwined with
quiet, desperate whispers
of "please" and "no"
i know you heard me
i know you knew what
you were doing
and i know that you
knew that i wanted you to
stop.

but you didn't.
you didn't stop.

so look at me,
take a look at me.
fractured, unraveling and
spiraling downward faster
than anything you've ever seen.

look what you've done.
**look at me.

you trace your finger
along my stomach
umbilicus to sternum
but that finger might as well
be a knife
allowing you to open me so you can
carefully pry apart my ribcage
with your demeaning hands

ive let you in
unwillingly
you're seeing parts of me
that God intended for us
to keep hidden from others

your eyes are opened
to what ive kept inside
the knots and
the butterflies and
the cracks and
the broken pieces of me

my ribs are shelves
collecting those knots
and butterflies and cracks
and broken pieces of me
displaying them like antiquities
each separated by empty space
that i prayed you'd fill
but all you do is
stare
unsatisfied

and when you're finished
you sew me back together
with lashes of shame and disgust
all i wanted was to please you
to see you show any type of empathy
or interest in who i really am
but you don't
why would you?

you taught me to truly hate myself
and guided me there with a book
hand written in cursive
illustrated and inspired by that
vicious tongue of yours

ive caged all of my demons
in hopes that ill be good enough
but i never am
i never will be
so i might as well set them free
and see what comes of it
and what comes of you and me

im in deep water
and can't find
a hand to hold or
a ledge to grab onto
i can't even feel my
legs enough
to use them

i can't save myself
and im trying
dear god
im trying

where are you
where have you been
i need you
so badly

and now
i see you
you're standing
ten feet away
above water
turned the other way
humming tunes
filled with hesitation
anger
and mistrust

you're allowing me to
drown
to suffocate
and i'll
sink slowly
until i hit the bottom

and when you turn
around
ill be gone

then maybe you'll be happy