I need to smash plates
I need something to break
I need to watch something
break like my heart did
when you told me
you no longer wanted me
with few words
you showed it with how you
treated me

I sat there emotionless, starring down the hospital hallway. Lights that lightened the corridor so perfectly it would've taken a perfectionist to align them like that. I thought and thought while my friend sat next to me thinking about her grandpa who was dying in front of her eyes. Too wrapped up in my own scary thoughts, I wasn't able to focus enough to have the courage to look at her.
What if it was me, trapped in this hallway, feeling more lifeless than ever in a pink walled room. It was although I felt something take over my mind, a voice telling me that I deserve to be there. I somewhat felt trapped, almost like I couldn't move. Having the cops called on your for being ‘suicidal’ makes you question yourself, and any thought that runs through your mind.
Why?
Why?
..Why, me?
These thoughts consumed me for the short time I was stuck in this mindset. I was scared, and worried. Why do I feel like this, I kept asking myself. My best friends grandpa was dying in the moment, and I was sitting there questioning my existence. I couldn't knock myself back into reality, I felt paralyzed. It was like I was in a movie. I starred down that hallway and pictured myself being stuck there, I pictured myself screaming and crying to be let out.
Maybe I am that ****** up, maybe I should be locked up and trapped in a loony bin. My thoughts eat me alive and that is something I don't think I will ever be able to get rid of. In that moment I realized that I wanted to be set free, free from all of the hurt and pain - all of the things that have power over me. Maybe I do deserve to be locked up, but I sure as hell hope I never am.

The sun was going down and I was bracing myself for it to come into my work window that shines right in my eyes. The lake was calm, and so was my heart. I had worked on being soft ever since you left, but seeing that lake and the beautiful water that reminded me of you - took me back to how I felt the day you found someone better.
I remember that night so clearly it makes me want to disappear in a puddle of tears. “I want to **** myself.” That sentence slipped from your mouth so effortlessly I could’ve crawled into a dark hole with no communication to anyone. You were my only excuse to not take my life, and to hear that you wanted to leave this earth, gave me no hope that I would have a reason to stay. The fact that those words could slip from a precious mouth like yours broke my heart more than you leaving me did.
Your heart was bigger than the sun that was beaming into my eyes when this memory haunted my messy mind. How could you of all people want to end your life. It haunts me to this day that you could consider leaving all of this behind, you have so much to offer this world. It comforts me to know that the love you have to give the girl you fall in love with is a love greater than I can put into words. You love unconditionally and expect nothing in return which is more than most people get in a lifetime of loving endlessly.
Someone like you can't even consider ending their life. You saved me from so much, you saved me from myself. How you treated me was better than I’ll ever be treated. I am forever thankful for you and the amount of love you give to people even when you feel like you don’t deserve to be alive. You helped me far more than one usually would, and to give me everything you had though you felt like this was an absolute gift.
Life wouldn't be the same without you, and to think that you would have a single thought of not being alive makes me sick to my stomach. You're special and you deserve to feel the love you continue to give out. I love you, I always will.

My chest is heavy, my heart aches for you to come back.
Come home, I long for your love.