It's one o'clock in the morning.
It's been a week since I last saw you.
I lie on my bed, thinking about the way you used to hold me.
It was as if you were holding a grudge...
I keep thinking about us,
Where our relationship cracked
And I can't figure out exactly where it started.
I can't help but think our relationship was never meant to be.
Like maybe, if I never met you again, I wouldn't be in this mess.
I think about how a week ago,
I was drowning in depression and taking too many pills.
I think about how much weight and sleep I lost.
I think about hiw you came over and dropped my stuff off and how I broke down in front of you..
I think about where I am right now...
I'm not great, but I'm not completely terrible.
It's a bit of an in between phase...
I wonder how long it will be like this..
I can't stop looking at your Facebook or Twitter.
I can't stop thinking about the fact that you're leaving and I truly won't be able to talk to you for awhile..
I think about how I just want you to **** Rebecca and come crawling back to me.
I want you get revenge..
I want you to wreck havoc.
I want you to miss me.
I want to move on sometimes.
Sometimes I think this relationship is too broken to fix, and sometimes I'm really determined to fix it to the best of my abilities..
I send you long messages
About this weight that's been on my heart and you don't even say anything.
I'm so confused.
Since the beginning of 2017, I've been so confused.
To be honest, I thought I made a mistake in saying "yes" when you asked me to be yours on December 31st..
I remember talking to my father about it in the kitchen for hours..
And then I fell in love with you..
Or maybe it's the fact that I fall in love with people who have no interest in being with me..
It's really ****** up, I know..
I can't stop thinking about you.
I hate that I can't bring myself to call you, because I know you won't answer and I promised I would give you your space...
I just wish you would tell me if you needed me to move on already, because I already know these two weeks won't change your heart..
I hate that I am allowing myself to wait for you.
I hate that we are in this mess.
I hate that I haven't felt your lips on mine in over a week..
I hate that I don't know how you're doing right now..
Or if you are already talking to somebody else..
I hate that I can't get you out of my mind or off of my chest.
I hate that you make me feel this way..

Saying goodbye
Tastes like the back of stamps
Bittersweet

Everything feels like it’s been going in slow motion.
I don’t feel anything
Until suddenly it’s too much to handle.
I like to think it’s just the stress from school, but I think in reality,
I know it’s deeper.
I am a constant cloud of worry.
Dampening everything and everyone in my path.
I like to think that it’s not you.
I like to push off the fact that you’re aren’t here anymore.
I like to pretend that I’m not walking holes in my shoes,
In my dreams,
Trying to find you and bring you home.
I like to pretend that I haven’t been trying to fill this void in my life.
That this whole thing isn’t real.
I sometimes see your face in strangers
As I am walking to class,
At the grocery store,
In parking lots.
I hate that I have to see your dad constantly destroying his life.
I hate that your little brother will someday realize this, or maybe he won’t.. but by then it will probably be too late.
I hate that I have been burying all of these emotions so deep.
Every little inconvenience makes me crack like pavement.
Since you’ve been gone,
I feel like I’ve been battling the days alone.
It feels wrong.
I’ve been talking to Erika more now.
It feels nice.
I think you would be proud.
I wonder what it’s like to hear Papa’s laugh again.
Or to see Uncle Teddy’s smile.
I bet Grammy makes you breakfast a lot.
I wonder how you’re feeling up there.
I hate that I didn’t get to tell you how much I love you.
I hate that we didn’t spend as much time together before you left.
I’m walking around feeling so guilty lately.
The days feel dark.
Life feels like one big,
Hazy storm.
I wonder why this happens so often.
I often feel like I am being punished,
And I don't know why.
I feel like I am being slapped in the face by the hand of God.
It's fine, really.
I know you aren't suffering.
I know you're probably the happiest you've ever been.
But did you see Nick's face?
Do you know how we are feeling?
There is something significant about the way you made others feel.
I can't help but think about your goofy laugh when I am missing you.
It feels like you are oceans away,
but in reality,
It is much, much farther than that.
I wake up every day with this weight on my chest.
The weight of feeling empty inside when I realize I won't see you this summer.
The weight of your alcoholic father.
The weight of seeing your little brother and thinking about his reaction when he first found out you were gone.
I wish I knew what this meant.
I don't even truly remember the last thing I said to you.
I think I sent you a ******* Bitmoji.
And I just think about how stupid that is.
I am so angry that you're not here with me.

Weeks have gone by since we last spoke.
You're currently on the other side of the world right now, and I want so badly for you to just stay there.
My hometown is much better when you aren't here.
I can go to the store, to our favorite restaurant, past your work, and I don't even worry about you seeing me.
I find myself looking for your car in parking lots and on the freeway.
The "junk" sticker your friend strategically placed on your bumper, still burns in my head.
I look for the yellow 'w' on your mothers Honda.
I find myself doing this all the time.
While I'm at coffee with a friend.
Stuck behind green lights.
Daydreaming at work.
It's so strange.
I'm so scared to see you again.
I have this love love hate whatever feeling stuck in the pits of my stomach.
It's not as though I'm confused.
I knew what you were doing.
I guess I just have this urge to spite you, but not quite.
I made out with two boys in one day, so I just figured you should know that.
I want so badly for you to see me and for you to want me more than you ever have in your life.
I want to turn you down, until you are crumpled paper that I can set fire to.
It's crazy how sadness turns into anger in a matter of time.
Every single time I hear that song, part of me wants to cry,
But as a whole, i have no tears left in my being.
I wish you saw me when I was depressed.
I guess I wish you would have understood what you put me through.
I guess I wish you could read this.
Being without you feels good, but lonely at the same time.
I don't know..
I should have dumped you a long time ago
You still come up in daily conversations...
"Oh me and so and so used to do that..."
I think at some point that will go away..
I'm doing better now.
I hope it lasts.

Sometimes,
I rest my head upon my wrist
To hear the rhythmic pattern that is my heartbeat
It reminds me I am still alive
I wonder how that is

And oh,
How I fall for his brown eyes
And his sweet breath on my skin.