Guilty calls
Won't make the pain go away
Checking up on me
How you put it
Isn't going to make me feel
Any better

You make it worse
Showing kindness
Is really pain
Hearing
What I can't have

Listening at how undisturbed you
Really are

Maybe it will be good for us
Some time away
Take two
Into one

"I love you"
Then why are you leaving?

"It's not you.."
It's must be, looks like the problem told you it was

"I don't want to break your heart."
It was your purpose from the start.

I might leave
I tell her crossing my arms beneath my breast
Listening to the rain speak
Washing away the yellow layer of pollen and dust
Agitating the old window panes
Scrubbing the sore throbbing anatomy of nature
Some relief from the spring season

It would be my right
I murmur hearing the quiet ****** my words into hushed darkness
By leave
I mean stay
Still wishing for what was
What is now a memory
Flickering black thumps against my feet
Sounding like footsteps rhythmic
More eyes blink in the dim light
Feeling the rubbing touch of whiskers
On nape of neck

leave
From ultimately him
She nods flicking one black silk ear
Turning green eyes to the swaying
Leaf fingers
Tapping glass

I mean it, this time I'll show him.
Lazy paws reach out
Stretching tiny feet and jingling bell tones
Chime in the silence

What it is like to loose me
Curling feet meet cold blanket edge
Where knees press so deep into breast
That hands release, wrapping closer
Tighter
Tucking socked toes next to warm
Breathing fur

You don't believe me, do you?*
Green eyes meet blue and the mewling assertion
Fills the air with conviction
She didn't believe me
She knew too well

This blonde deceiver
Lied to often
Mostly to herself

My eyes are like dried fruit left to rot
Burning, and itching
From emotional cast off
Plugged to the nose with emotional recess
Head hammering the strangeness felt
At least in sleep I can escape this **** up mess

Sometimes when I think
I feel like I can touch the world
Understand the flux of energy
The musing of the smallest flies
And stand in the quiet agelessness
Of forest green
Like some passenger song hopefully forlorn
Swinging the beetle rhyme back  and forth to understand truly what they meant to express

But other days
My idealism and enduring belief
Falters
Like equations in the sky I can no longer read
Symbols popping into existence
Meant only to discombobulate
Towards the doubt
Of my own self
Retching the violent swaying
Of the ground beneath my feet

Sometimes I feel lost
Wandering out to sea

For something so independent
It's amazing how fast it caves
Craves and clings
To something
That seems so real
But just like anything else
It too can be broken

Like a child holding on to something
So hard it threatens to break
White knuckles braced
Glorifying in its embrace
Protecting
Coddling
Hoping to keep new
Investing so completely
There is no I without you