You test me
With this physical cliff
This distance
This depressed want
Verging on hopeless need
That I feel coming up the back of my throat like *****.

I can feel the tension
From my swelling
Aching wrist
Held so fiercely by the bond of word
You stand on
This borderline obsession
I have come to salivate for
To yearn so numbing that all other thought comes to hault
Persistent tugging again on the links
Holding me back from madness

From wanting to force your hand in a direction
I know only pushes you away
But this need is a painful thing
Manifested by the  fear
Of loneliness,
An overarching call
To the inner most basic part of a woman

Needing to be needed
Needing to have purpose
To get as close to someone
As she can and not have to let him go
Even if it is but for a moment

But that moment
Is what she lives for
When all the buzzing blind meaty cattle of society
No longer  swarms her ears with an insatiable
Craving
Wants of something they have not earned
Not worked for or built upon

The essence of her being leeching like a cracked
Egg on pavement
Humpty did not fall
But rather was pushed

That moment means
Absolution
The connection deep
Punctuated with the feel of two heartbeats in one
Being
One creature seeing
Touching tasting and thinking of nothing
But the feel
The motion
The sensation of this blistering
Blatent bubbling chaotic
Dynamic coming together of
Pieces once whole

Its all clicking
Like cards in wheel spoke, the whisper of childhood
Broad sun on shouldered back
As I watch
You

With you cheeky smile
Once more bright, rose-framing white walled ivory
The glinting glimmer of glee
In chocolate spun pools
Floating in the renewed plane of dreams

I had always thought brown a rather dull color
A simple thing
Reminiscent of dirt, and the color of bark
Everyone had it
A color I thought so overused
Like God had run out of all the good colors
Brown was what was left

But you
Yes
You
The one whom sprung it seemed
Right of the very air
Pouncing into my life like a cat
Well versed in the hunt
You trapped me
Snared me
When I wasn't aware I was wanting to be caught

And ate up
My heart
Devoured my intellect
And left me craving for more

So I smiled
Seeing you laugh
Watching you get better
Watching you pull yourself out of the muck
The poison that had kept you drugged and away from me

Little Bird was pleased
Wanting to sing high praises to the heavens
And to any of the Gods
That would hear her joy
All of the creators would hear
My lamentations

Feel my world clicking
Like a joint
The setting of a broke limb
The resurrection of my figurative faith

The flow of my psyche'
Is restored
As I set back and watch the hawk finally soar.

It's pulsing
My over crowded mind
Boiled over like meat cooked too full
Splitting an egg cracked under pressure

Scrambled
Skittering across the surface
Thoughts, actions
All uncertain

Too full
Too little
Too unprepared
Dear lord the **** finals are here....

Devastation, that thrumming madness behind my eyes
Has not dwindled but kept itself in the back of my mind
You leaving has left its aching hole
The gradual upheaval in my soul

But I stand firm
Solid are my knees
Holding up my world
When everything is so bleak

With the hopes
A prayer
A silent plea
That you will arrive
Any day
Searching for me

With that smile
That swishing gate
And yes
I will watch you
Connect eye to eye
And when the fire of my love
Has fulfilled, a sated state
We will watch the sunset
And I will no longer ache.

There is no music here
Where I stay
Inside my mind
Locked behind the disturbances
That shake me
Quaking my bones until they come loose
Covered by despair like Pompey
Its silhouette immortalized
Against the back drop of my ongoing torment.

This depression a lingering installation
Stuck in neutral
  Neither here
Nor there
           Or right now
Living on Auto pilot
The inner structure of my mind in chaos.

While my feet plant themselves forward
Driven the upbeat staccato of footfall-pavement
The hooked-heel motivation of basic life maintenance.

I have rotted
I have lost
I have given the whole of myself
And still watched him walk away
Not goodbye forever
But goodbye for right now
Sounding just as permanent.

My body is tired
My mind is numb
I have given everything I am
To an idea
To a promise
And kept just enough to function

But I am tired now
Being half of something
Missing vital limbs
Toes
And fingers
So exhausted with life
Exhausted with myself

That right now all I wish to do is sleep,
And maybe
Just maybe I'll never wake to this hell again.

I see you
Black/brown hair
The ivy green of your disturbed eyes
Walking
Further and further away from me
The void of time closing
Faster and faster still
So abrupt each change that I feel the draw of tension in my skull

The harsh rip of tendons in my heart
You were leaving
This time
For good

A two hour treacherous trip
To home were the rest of them flocked
Your roosting
And I could not follow

Little blue bird
With her short wings could not fly with the hawk
And his strong reaching wings
When her feet where tied to commitment

The shackles of responsibility
What was right for little blue was here
Where the sun shone and the gift of education lingered
But GOD how she wanted to follow him
Into the unknown
The bleakness
Just to not have to suffer the loss of her hawk

But what was waiting for him was a promise
The promise of a better life
Freedom from the ****** he had become accustom too
Freedom to flourish in a distinctly hawk way
To get better
To  soar high in the heavens and enjoy the wind
Without losing his mind in the process

You walk
Away from me
Into a brighter sun than
The  shade at my back
Casting your shadow backwards where it held me
In its phantom strength untill
It too faded out
And left me lonely
Completely incomplete
Untill you come
For me
Keening victoriously
In flight

Turning I walk back into the shade you left behind
Leaving blue feathers
Sounding out the clinking of chains

Staring into a bowl, filled with fruited o's
I contemplate the cosmos

The world, my place in it.

And come to the conclusion that it will move on

Prosper or not prosper based on determined and undetermined factors

And even this bowl of cereal is a factor to that means

Soon I grow tired of this expansive thought

And decide what the hell

Its only cereal....