Eurydike at his feet
Turns her back on Orpheus and opens a can of dog food for Cerberus
Handmaiden to a god of a dark place
Tending the fires

I don't have a playbook for this love.

In every other relationship I have or had, there is a decoding:
•  If he does this, it means...
•  When this situation happens, the correct response is...
•  When he says this, it indicates...

There are timetables and destinations
stages that must occur in sequence
things that have to happen before certain conversations can be had
milestones
goals

And here I am

I have no expectations
I have no game plan
There is no strategy
I am

I love

We sat on the floor of a quiet corridor in a mall
Listening to a tango
He translated the lyrics for me
Disillusioned, heartbreaking Spanish into English
Searching for the right words

My own heart broken open, though I did not know it at the time

Dismay
I wanted sweetness, comfort and intimacy
To be soothed and eased
To be held and cossetted
To be your little one
Your pet
Safe again and cherished

Cast down
Deflated
Punished
Degraded
Hopeless
Did you intend that darkness for me?

You have the ability to do me deep hurt
In your offhand positioning
The taste of future abuses
Not even physical force or pain
Twist of your words
Barbed wires you fashion just for me
A series of small cuts
That burn and seep

I felt your power over me
Is that safety?

I contemplated rebellion
I thought about being a brat.
Acting out disappointment and displeasure
Instead, I came to heel
Literally

Ending and beginning with the intimacy of your foot pressing my cheek into cold tiles and the prospect of further violations.

You just can't point a finger at a single instance and say it defines all instances.

This stash bag thing we label love?
It doesn't fit the bag.
And there is no one bag that can hold it.

I stopped believing in the myth of 1 true love.
I just do it and don't much count the cost.

I've crossed oceans, continents, and countries for love most of my life.
I've given it my time, my money, my thought, my emotions, my body - all of me.

For all of you.

When I tell You "*******" - I'm offering everything that I am.

Sometimes in flippant defiance.
Sometimes in submission.
Sometimes in love and appreciation.
Adoringly, exasperatedly, imploringly.

Body, soul, mind, heart, inclusive

******* very much.
It's my kind of declaration.

Naaah.

While aesthetically pleasing, those idealized taut-loined bodies don't really do it for me.

Curves and creases, his imperfections and mine together.
Marks of experience, passion, loss, and learning.

The fragility of skin that is speckled and less elastic
No less loved