i run
and i do not stop.
i run from everything
i am ashamed
of myself.
i have been knocked down
so many times
i become afraid
of heights
just from standing up
for myself.

and so i run.

hurtling around corners
and slamming into walls
my body breaking
and soon
i will have to stop.
stop this madness
stop the constant beat of my heart
pounding in my chest
trying to break out
like a prisoner in jail
for a life sentence.
i do not think anymore
i simply push myself
harder
farther
faster.

i started running
so long ago
i barely remember why.
i ran from people
people who hurt me
i couldn’t stop them
so i ran.
i ran from people
people who loved me
because i didn’t believe myself
deserving of their love.
i ran from the world
the world that shattered mine.
the world that took my heart
and dropped it onto the rocks
to be pounded into fragments
by the persistent waves
that plagued the cliffs.

they told me i could stop
wait up
catch my breath.
but what they don’t know is
every time i stop,
my past catches me
i curl into a ball
sobs rack my body
and life stabs me in the gut.
so i do not stop.

i am terrified
terrified of what memories slowing may bring
bubbling to the surface
crawling along the floor
crouching in dark corners
waiting to pounce.

perhaps one day
i will be able to stop running
someday,
a person might come along
who can grab my arms
sit me down
and tell me,
“stop. i love you.
you do not need to run.”

i run
and i do not stop.
but maybe,
that could change.

maybe if i were
different
than what i am now.
maybe then they would
like me.
maybe then i wouldn't feel so
alone
empty
numb.
the war is in my mind
but
the wounds are on my body.
it was the cat, i tell them.
and they fall for it.
never thinking that
maybe
it wasn't the cat
maybe it was me
maybe it was my own hand,
dragging the blade across my wrist.

i love him
he loves her
never giving me a thought
never thinking that maybe
he's the reason for my pain.
i wish that he would
see
really see
that what he's doing to me
kills me.
i only wish he knew
how much i want him to be mine
how long i've waited
how many tears i've shed.
so if i die,
tell him i
loved him.

i think they're right.
i am worthless.
i am ugly.
no one wants me around.
i should go die.
i wish i could die.
perhaps that would make them see
make them less blind
to what they do to me
make them learn
make them pay.

i wish i could get rid of this
this numbness that is eating away at me
killing me
from the inside out.
i don't feel alive anymore
maybe i'm not
maybe i'm just breathing
just a shell of a real person.
i don't remember
what it's like
to live
to want to live
to have purpose to live.
everything i love is gone.
i wish that someone could just
show me.
show me how to live
show me how to breathe
show me
how to
fly...

Cruel words and shattered souls,
Everyone has turned me cold.
You wonder why I'm still smiling
Haven't you thought that maybe I'm dying?

Dying mind, dying heart,
Dying spirit, always far,
Far from people who do not care,
Far from you, gone with the air.

Whispered lies, hopeful dreams,
Everything was not as it seemed.
Hope that used to live and thrive
But now that hope has gone to die.

Maybe they are right.
Maybe there once was a light.
But for now I'm on the run
Running, running, to find the sun.

I'm not weak, but maybe I'm right.
I'm not a quitter, I will fight.