Emma A

Emma A Feb 2014

drive

today i drank a bottle of the finest, oldest scotch my dad had locked in the liquor cabinet
i stole the key, he doesn’t know it yet
i sat in my car and put it into drive
i kept my foot on the brakes because-i don’t know, i was scared i guess
but i wanted to ******* feel something, you know?
you could never understand that
you always felt too much-all the time
i never told you this, but i envy you for that
i could feel the anger boiling up inside of me and i slammed on the gas pedal
it was dark, past midnight and i got on the highway
i swerved perilously between the lanes
then crash
and i didn’t feel anything at all

Emma A Feb 2014

monsters

you’re like a ******* code that i can’t seem to crack
some days you’re dark and sad and lonely and your jade green eyes are clouded with pain
but day after day i stare into those eyes and i can see that they sparkle with something or for someone but it's not for me
and i know that, i do
but i can’t help but think i can be the girl who saves you from the monsters inside your head
the ones who tell you you can’t move on, you can’t love again
because i know those monsters
i’ve battled with them head on
i’ve slit their throats and released my freedom
and i promise you
you will love again

Emma A Nov 2013

you crash into me

i feel you in waves crashing over me
beating me over the head to make me feel something, anything
tearing me apart with your tears like saltwater flowing through my open wounds
you beg me to feel you like i used to
love you like you need me to
but the numbness hits me like icy water and i am again your stranger

Emma A Nov 2013

the secret room

we were in a room with people we knew, but didn't really know
i was somewhere in the realm between listening and non-listening to those people boast about the skills they had
quietly counting the freckles on my arms- nine
but then they came to you
and i remember clearly,
you said that you have a room in your house
empty, but for a lone typewriter on a desk by the window
where you write
and i listened, looking up from my counting when you said that
and i began to fall in love with you, or the mystery of you
the way you seem is not the way you are
i saw through your facade
your weaknesses lie in your inability to be real with the world
but behind closed doors
i loved your ***** vans and mismatched socks with holes in the toes and the gap between your teeth because these were the little things you thought no one noticed
but what i loved most was the man you became in your quiet, empty secret room, on the top floor of your never empty but always lonely house

Emma A Nov 2013

I am a writer

And it is not until you feel the sweat dripping down your face onto your ink-stained paper
mix with the tears flooding out of your eyes like the first rain after a long dry spell
mix with the blood throbbing through your veins, pounding with every raw thought and word you think and write
mix with the ink stains on your tattered t-shirt that you haven't washed in a week
that you can think to yourself:
I am a writer.

Emma A Nov 2013

How our marriage ended at Home Depot

Marriage was never really in the cards for us
But it was simply the next step in our relationship, like growing out of a pair of shoes
You would buy the new shoes wouldn’t you? So why not just upgrade to a newer status of “us”?
I never knew what I wanted out of life
You always had a plan
I thought we balanced each other out
But maybe we were at opposite ends of the universe, slowly being pulled further apart by our vast differences
But if I knew one thing in this world, it was that I loved you
God did I love you- I was as sure of it as I was as sure as the stars and moon above that gave me such comfort on those cold nights when my anxiety would steal any notion of sleep
You used to find me lying outside in the grass, staring up at the sky at 2, 3 in the morning
You never said a word, just lay down beside me and held me until I stopped sobbing
We fought constantly
Over stupid little things that I now regret
We would get into raging wars about which flowers to buy from the stand- I love sunflowers and you hate yellow
After we fought you would shove me against the wall and kiss me until your tongue melted away all the curses I meant to scream at you
The week we decided to repaint our kitchen was the week I met another man
It wasn’t planned
Nothing ever really was, if I had anything to say about it
We met at the flower stand; he said my sunflowers were beautiful
Soon we were fooling around in the back of my car every night that week
The next day at Home Depot we were fighting about the paint color
Of course I wanted yellow and of course you hated it
I screamed that I had slept with someone else and the look on your face just about killed me
It was like I had stolen all the dreams you ever had, and I guess I did because I took your heart and I shattered it like a mirror
We haven’t spoken much since, just civil conversation with lawyers present about the divorce
You should have bought me sunflowers.

Emma A Oct 2013

forgotten things

I am the box of forgotten things lying in your closet
Letters you never sent
Postcards from places you’ve never been, will never go
Old Polaroid photos from your forgotten youth
Times you swore you’d never leave
Broken dreams and broken hearts
I am the box of things forgotten