You found me out today,
Looked at me, staring blankly.
You told me nothing would change.
Everything would be the same.
Could it be you lied to me?
After what we've been through,
I trusted you.
I gave you my life,
In return you gave me disgust and hate.
I hope you don't sleep well tonight.
I hope you awake,
Regretting what you said.
Tomorrow will be a new day for you.
Tonight will be my last.
In the morning people will cry.
Someone will find my body and a note.
The note will read what I told you,
What I showed you.
It'll tell of how I was hurting,
How I was in pain.
My family will cry,
When they hear,
Friends will too.
My body will lie,
Stiff and cold on my bedroom floor.
The carpet will turn a scarlet,
Stained with blood.
My makeup down my face,
Hair a mess,
Clothes and room untidy.
Here I sit,
Upon the floor,
I make a cut.
First my right,
Then my left.
I think of how slowly this will happen.
I drown in my thoughts.
My hands flicker as I do it twice more.
I wont shed a single tear.
I'll drift away,
Into a carefree sleep,
My mind is almost blank,
The thought of you is all that is left.
You crushed my hopes,
Killed me inside,
And broke my heart.
Just as the sun begins to rise,
My heart will beat one last time,
I whisper goodbye

Like broken glass,
Dreams were shattered.
You told them they could never succeed,
Told them no one loved them.
With your words of hatred,
You tormented them,
Slowly until they disappeared.
Why would you do this?
Do you get joy out of others pain?
Now you’re after me.
I’m disappearing piece by piece.
I’ve given up on my dreams, my hopes.
I’m at my lowest point ever,
All thanks to you.
I don’t see life in my eyes anymore.
I wonder what its like,
To feel beautiful.
Not be worried about my makeup or figure.
You’ve eaten away at my brain,
Turned me into a doll.
I can’t look in the mirror anymore.
I don’t recognize myself.
I no longer see the pain free little girl,
I see the misguided teenager.
I hate what I’ve become.
I’m a living dress up doll

Hush, hush baby.
You grab the bottle.
Spill its contents,
Then count what’s inside.
Swallow them whole
In one big gulp.
Take your last drink
And fall asleep.

In your dreams
Everything is perfect.
Your family loves you,
No more beatings,
No more bleeding.
You have no bruises
No more scars,
No more wounds.

Hush, Hush baby.
You think your dead.
Your stomachs heaving,
Your lungs still breathing,
Hearts still beating.
Someone loves you,
Someone saved you.
You whisper Thank you

It’s like this huge knot in my chest that I can’t get rid of.
I can’t bring myself to say what I want to half the time.
My voice breaks and tears fall when I try.
But I don’t know how to speak so I sit and pretend nothing happened.
I let the conversation die and let the words tangle in my chest.

Five years ago,
I had a best friend.
She was perfection.
Beautiful,
Smart,
Athletic,
Kind.
My favorite things were
the bus rides home,
the park,
sleepovers..
with her.

Four years ago
was when we started drifting.
While she was still perfection,
I was awkward and quiet.
I spent most of my time in the library,
Struggled to keep my grades up,
and had very few friends.
This is when it began.

Three years ago,
We didn't talk at school.
We still rode our bikes on the weekend.
I was friends with "the weird kids."
The *** head,
The freak,
The emo one.
I didn't feel like I belonged,
but I was happy to have friends.

Two years ago,
I was so happy.
But by this point, my best friend had moved.
We no longer talked.
Thanks to a good friend,
I was introduced to everyone that made me, me.
Through him I met
My new best friend.
The first boy I ever loved.
The people that became like family to me.
Sounds like a happy ending, almost..

One year ago,
I struggled in school,
almost everyone I knew went somewhere else.
I drifted from my closest friends.
My mind was elsewhere
and the only thing I ever wanted to know
was when I could sleep again.
This is when it was at it's worst.
I struggled not only in school,
but with body image and self esteem.
I was too afraid to ask for help,
and I didn't know how to accept what was offered.
When I was at my lowest,
I didn't know how to cope.

Today,
I am left with a cluster of
small, thin, white lines here and there.
A distorted view of eating and health.
A low self worth.
I am left still struggling,
and although people know my past,
they don't know that I still struggle,
I still hide to protect myself.
But now,
I feel that the people with the most courage are the ones
who can admit they aren't okay, they can take the help that is offered.
I hope to help someone like me one day.

Here I am again,
sitting on my bedroom floor,
music playing and daydreaming.

I watch my memories like movies
remembering everything you said to me
and everything I wish I had said.

Dear you,

Sometimes I'm sad.
Understand that sometimes,
I may push you away.
I might even say that I just need some time,
or some space.
Don't listen to me.
Push back.

Sometimes I can be so very happy.
Understand that I may talk a mile a minute,
I may stumble over my words.
I might even lose my breath,
and have to take a moment to catch it.
I'm just happy about something.
Enjoy it with me.

Sometimes I may even possibly get angry.
Sometimes I'm forgetful.
Sometimes I'm not even sure what I'm feeling.
Sometimes I'm just numb, to everything.

I'm only human.

The walls are white
and a sickly green.
This night gown is scratchy
and too thin to keep me warm.
The nurses keep checking on me,
saying the doctor will be in shortly.
My dad had to work today
and my mom was sent to the waiting room.
Tick tock
I'm waiting.

The doctor's here.
He's asking how I'm doing today.

I want
to feel the warmth of your skin against me.
your lips against my neck,
the crook of my shoulder and collar bone,
against my ribs and hip bones.
I want
to hear your muffled voice, talking into my neck.
your breathing get faster, heavier.
I want
to see you smile after a kiss,
the look in your eyes after.
I want
this moment, right here,
right now, to last just a bit longer.

You told me all of these
lovely, wonderful, amazing
things that I had been longing to hear.
But when you said it all,
I had no idea what to say.
You said such beautiful things and I..
I stumble on my words and sound so clumsy.
So instead, I said nothing at all.
I smiled and kissed you
wishing I had the courage to speak.

What happened to the girl who was always happy?
A smile still there, but no longer true.
Her eyes show she's crying for help.
What happened to her confidence, her self-esteem?
Now lower than ever, barely there.
She hates her body.
Envious of her friends.
Tiny waist, perfect face.
She thinks of a razor and scans her skin.
Wondering if people will notice, if they'll care.
She thinks of anorexia.
Will they notice if she doesn't eat?
She's lost in this world of perfection and beauty.
Will she ever be found?
Drowning in her self-hatred
She cries and pleads,
For the day someone realizes.
The moment they see how much pain she's in.