Miss the ones that chose to die,
Sensations that we want to leave behind.
How and why so many people lie.
Or give up before they even tried.

Lie, cheat, steal, made to feel unhuman, another pill,
Sit still, you tell me to chill, the unreal,
Delete evil past or continue to be ill,
Pain ****, sane ****, double drop morning after pills.

It will be okay, mind chill, forget it mate,
It is just anther mental headache,
Use that confidence and try to communicate,
Day to day, rain to pain, tomorrow is another day.

I am this way this is not insane,
Today I am tired, emotionally drained.

My pulse is racing my throat is dry,
I look up to the sky, I wonder why?
Tears flow I wipe them away dry
Why do I fall down the harder I try?

Look into the deep below, got a lump in my throat,
I close my eyes, falling, sink like a stone,
Water fills my mouth with a saltwater choke,
My heart is racing, pulse pulsating, waiting to explode.

I stop my body from moving and begin sinking,
Want to stop my body and mind feeling and thinking,
Deeper I float, lights above me blinking,
Thoughts are tripping my mind is slipping.

For now I have given up the human race,
Eyes salt water stinging, water surrounding my face,
Last memory salt-water taste,
Thoughts, pain, emotions now fade away.

There is a feeling growing inside me again,
It’s flowing through my voice, presence and pen.
Hatred and anger, pain, hurt and then
A vision of evil that only a few can comprehend.

It stifles my strength, power and creativity,
Makes me shut myself away in a room of negativity,
A cycle of pain, cycle of captivity,
Locked back in a life of inactivity.

My mind is abused; with sewage it’s rotten,
Have to many things happen that just cannot be forgotten,
Webs of connections, tiny webs of cotton
Back to square one, hitting rock bottom.

Head is throbbing and spinning out of control,
How do I cope with the outside world?
Back feeling like a child again, weak little girl,
The sickness returns and I want to hurl.

Why can’t I snap out of this and help myself.
Jump off the spinning carousel,
I need to scream at high decibels,
Somehow I will excel.

So you know I wasn’t raised in the hood,
But in a beautiful place in Surrey enclosed by woods,
Had quite a nice childhood,
Until the age of ten, everything was all good.

It all changed when my Dad went away,
Couldn’t cope with my Mums Bipolar state,
When he left I have a photo memory of that day,
‘Promise you won’t get divorced, I want you to stay’.

Then that kid had to grow up quick,
When mum had an episode, breakdown psychotic.
Held the family together through all this ****.
Then lost the plot myself couldn’t handle it.

So I left home very young, let down by pen pushers.
Dumped in and out of care, social workers?
Isn’t it a wonder how I became an alcoholic toker,
Stress of my life turned me into a chain-smoking joker.

A year I slept in my bus stop,
Stealing food to survive from various shops,
Helped to sleep with prayers and alchopops,
Checked on by ‘Rosy cheeks’ the local cop.

I cannot seem to relax my feet,
My mind is tripping, skipping and missing a beat,
My head is jumbled; find my thoughts hard to speak,
Cannot get out of the shell it’s hard and I am weak.

In a jail I created a protection of self,
When you take in too much, it begins to swell.
Warning signs are present, loud alarm bells,
Screaming for help, no one I trust enough to tell.

Becoming lost again, what do I do?
Doctor ignorant so please tell me who?
Last time I was here I had a bit of a clue,
Tried to help myself, in the end I did lose.

My sense of worth, dreams and the worst,
I feel I have been eternally cursed.
I don’t know what to do, where to start first.
Release some of this hurt.

Sharing my thoughts on paper helps,
Can focus on the cards my hand has been dealt,
So much hurt, I know some of you have felt,
Now I need to focus on my own mental health.

© Emma Johnson

It’s like being let down all over again, don’t know who to call anymore,
They just want to sit around and push pens, Like they’re bored.
I don’t know who to turn to what number to call,
How do I trust you? I would rather trust the wall.
Back and forth the system of pinball,
Mental health system is the mentalist of all.

So I give up even talking about myself,
Because no one gives a **** unless its coming from their own mouth.
I call my dealer before you, if my mood turns sour.
Because I give up on you, just as you do to me, who has the power.
All your ******* is not wisdom; you want me to waste another hour.

I’d rather carve chunks out of myself and find a high tower.
My decision is simple, you’re not included in this,
So stop reading now, think about your own ****,
Right now I am contemplating abyss.
Disturb me now you will get my fist.

Mental mentalist do you want my list of ****,
Mums bipolar, I’m borderline, alcoholic with PTSD,
She’s an alcoholic; I replace that need with ****,
Stuck in a system, not getting the help I need.
Giving up on me must be a disease.

On my knees again, crawl to the depths,
No energy left to climb lifes steps,
Look back and it’s just crap and regret.
Memories you wanna remember replaced by the ones you wanna forget.

Remember to this day every mistake I’ve made,
All those people I waste feeling all the hate,
For most of you now it’s to **** late,
Keep your eyes glued to your plate,

Don’t try to make me be something you see,
As normal as you minus all individuality,
Cut myself just to watch it bleed,
I need more than a joint to feel any release.

Memory error, upload has failed,
You don’t know how many tales
I can scribe all the suffering words of pain,
Shattered like a glass left out in the hail.

The world is not enough the tides are changing the seas are rough,
The hope is fading the pain is now to much,
Procrastinating a memory you thought you’d given up
A dream that’s held is now squashed and crushed.
Taken all I have now I’m weak and lost,
Tried looking for a saviour, someone I can trust
A dream I had once is now forgot, mind crushed
I am my on worst enemy, I am that unloved.
So ******* myself, beat my own self with my thoughts,
Like a slave to my demons, emotions and of course
Hate to see suffering of others or what I cause,
I will let you know if I find what I’m searching for.

© Emma Johnson

This is just so all of you know,
I appreciate all of the support you’ve shown,
Helped me regain a positivity, helped me to grow,
Relit the fire inside me, allowing me to once again glow.

The caring nature you all completely have,
I know you’re all genuine; it’s not just a job to get cash,
You really want to help, give us the skills so we know what to do if we crash,
Help us see the good inside ourselves, the true facts.

So thank you again for everything you’ve done,
Because now I can hold my head up, I can see the sun,
You helped me unlock a lot of my skeletons,
Once again I can start to enjoy life and have fun.

Keep up the good work, especially when it’s tough,
Even if you only manage a little, it will be enough,
To help us deal or unravel some of our stuff,
Just a smile can help when we’re feeling rough.

So I want you all to give yourself a hug and pat on the back,
Maybe one day we will meet again, (minus the hat)
When my life is going somewhere, back on track,
Thank you all, from the hard nut to crack, insomniac.

© Emma Johnson

How low do you have to be? Stuck in a crawl
Stuck in a place, counting cracks on walls,
Wish my tears would run like waterfalls
I need my mind treated for a full overhaul.

Can’t seem to speak or say what’s on my mind,
People use me; my weakness is being to kind,
I only wish I could speak up sometimes,
So I don’t lie when I say I’m fine.

Atheist, was never saved, I wonder about karma,
My mind builds up, erupts, thoughts flow like lava,
I need to become my own mind master.
Choose to wear an emotional balaclava.

© Emma Johnson

Like a ghostly memory rehaunting my mind,
Now I am older I see what you did and all your lies,
Nasty, twisted, bitter anger, smell of life,
Hate how you trigger and disfigure me after all this time.

Memories return, stuff I thought was gone forever,
Trying to deal with all this ****, then you anonymous texter.
Hit me when I’m down, only just started to feel better,
Now I can’t sleep again, or dream, back to a bed wetter.

Sleep with a knife by my side, claw hammer and bat,
Because if I saw you intruding again, you’ll get smacked,
See through confusion to see your wrong, protect your back.
What you did was wrong, against the law, that’s a fact.

Why did I enter your head, you contact a ***** past,
Now I’m an adult, you decide you want to play a part,
Twist me even more, you lonely, excuse of your heart,
You and others are hindering my path.

Sick, do you even realise what you did?
Some maybe, but you fit in the category of the sick,
Child abusing, nonse, paedo, take your pick,
Don’t make the excuse that you were just drunk or a bit thick

© Emma Johnson

Why do we not complain in Britain today?
The only American concept we haven’t reclaimed.
Why in the last few years nothing much changed?
World affairs, wars, starvation, disease plagues?

Why do people still suffer? Spread the wealth,
You want more than you need, all for yourself,
Are we that selfish we only care about out own health?
The older we get, the worse we get and morals melt.

What changes our good? Unlocks our evil?
Passion, sadness, trauma, guilt, people.

Where do the thoughts come from, inner spirit or demon?
What has happened to make us so feeble?

Are we hat narrow minded that we become blinded?
How do other people always find it?
Everyone needs someone to confide in.
Help stop some other person sliding.

Cannot be labelled because I’m always changing,
Life is to short, so stop the faking.