How low do you have to be? Stuck in a crawl
Stuck in a place, counting cracks on walls,
Wish my tears would run like waterfalls
I need my mind treated for a full overhaul.

Can’t seem to speak or say what’s on my mind,
People use me; my weakness is being to kind,
I only wish I could speak up sometimes,
So I don’t lie when I say I’m fine.

Atheist, was never saved, I wonder about karma,
My mind builds up, erupts, thoughts flow like lava,
I need to become my own mind master.
Choose to wear an emotional balaclava.

© Emma Johnson

The world is not enough the tides are changing the seas are rough,
The hope is fading the pain is now to much,
Procrastinating a memory you thought you’d given up
A dream that’s held is now squashed and crushed.
Taken all I have now I’m weak and lost,
Tried looking for a saviour, someone I can trust
A dream I had once is now forgot, mind crushed
I am my on worst enemy, I am that unloved.
So ******* myself, beat my own self with my thoughts,
Like a slave to my demons, emotions and of course
Hate to see suffering of others or what I cause,
I will let you know if I find what I’m searching for.

© Emma Johnson

Remember to this day every mistake I’ve made,
All those people I waste feeling all the hate,
For most of you now it’s to **** late,
Keep your eyes glued to your plate,

Don’t try to make me be something you see,
As normal as you minus all individuality,
Cut myself just to watch it bleed,
I need more than a joint to feel any release.

Memory error, upload has failed,
You don’t know how many tales
I can scribe all the suffering words of pain,
Shattered like a glass left out in the hail.

I cannot seem to relax my feet,
My mind is tripping, skipping and missing a beat,
My head is jumbled; find my thoughts hard to speak,
Cannot get out of the shell it’s hard and I am weak.

In a jail I created a protection of self,
When you take in too much, it begins to swell.
Warning signs are present, loud alarm bells,
Screaming for help, no one I trust enough to tell.

Becoming lost again, what do I do?
Doctor ignorant so please tell me who?
Last time I was here I had a bit of a clue,
Tried to help myself, in the end I did lose.

My sense of worth, dreams and the worst,
I feel I have been eternally cursed.
I don’t know what to do, where to start first.
Release some of this hurt.

Sharing my thoughts on paper helps,
Can focus on the cards my hand has been dealt,
So much hurt, I know some of you have felt,
Now I need to focus on my own mental health.

© Emma Johnson

There is a feeling growing inside me again,
It’s flowing through my voice, presence and pen.
Hatred and anger, pain, hurt and then
A vision of evil that only a few can comprehend.

It stifles my strength, power and creativity,
Makes me shut myself away in a room of negativity,
A cycle of pain, cycle of captivity,
Locked back in a life of inactivity.

My mind is abused; with sewage it’s rotten,
Have to many things happen that just cannot be forgotten,
Webs of connections, tiny webs of cotton
Back to square one, hitting rock bottom.

Head is throbbing and spinning out of control,
How do I cope with the outside world?
Back feeling like a child again, weak little girl,
The sickness returns and I want to hurl.

Why can’t I snap out of this and help myself.
Jump off the spinning carousel,
I need to scream at high decibels,
Somehow I will excel.

My pulse is racing my throat is dry,
I look up to the sky, I wonder why?
Tears flow I wipe them away dry
Why do I fall down the harder I try?

Look into the deep below, got a lump in my throat,
I close my eyes, falling, sink like a stone,
Water fills my mouth with a saltwater choke,
My heart is racing, pulse pulsating, waiting to explode.

I stop my body from moving and begin sinking,
Want to stop my body and mind feeling and thinking,
Deeper I float, lights above me blinking,
Thoughts are tripping my mind is slipping.

For now I have given up the human race,
Eyes salt water stinging, water surrounding my face,
Last memory salt-water taste,
Thoughts, pain, emotions now fade away.

Miss the ones that chose to die,
Sensations that we want to leave behind.
How and why so many people lie.
Or give up before they even tried.

Lie, cheat, steal, made to feel unhuman, another pill,
Sit still, you tell me to chill, the unreal,
Delete evil past or continue to be ill,
Pain ****, sane ****, double drop morning after pills.

It will be okay, mind chill, forget it mate,
It is just anther mental headache,
Use that confidence and try to communicate,
Day to day, rain to pain, tomorrow is another day.

I am this way this is not insane,
Today I am tired, emotionally drained.