Down and down I go
I fall into a unknown rabbit hole
Welcome to the last number of this show
My hands haven't held anythings sturdy for quite a while
I can't seem to stop my self from ending up in empty piles
Nothing is bright to me anymore
Colors have been ****** like venom out of every pore
All I can see are the tears in my eyes
And all I can seem to do is cry
And further down this hole i fly
Into a bottomless sky
I wonder if Alice ever thought it would stop
That she might find an end to her darkened drop
Maybe that's the answer to my dilemma
And death is what I need to save Emma
Because Wonderland seems like the place to be
At the bottom of this fall waiting for me

I look up at the tired wood ceiling,
because i can't get your face out of my head
You stick to me like stubborn paint
and grip my skin with barbed wire teeth
Sharp snow comes down like hammers in my chest
icicles get stuck to the raw skin of my throat
Cold tears push their way through
my eyes hurt from trying to hold them in for so long
they cling to my lashes for dear life
until their fingers break like china dolls
Only then they flow,
impatient rain drops falling from tree tops
Echoes from howling heart grind against my ear drums
rose tears float along  satin veins
The acid in your foot steps makes my exposed skin tremble,
every time you and her walk down the roads of my mind

My stomach turns violent to think of her sleeping next to you
that you roll over and watch her dream
that she gets to hear your tired mumbling
and have your scent cling to all of her clothes
I cringe when i think shes wearing your favorite sweatpants
and that she makes you laugh more than i did
I want to stomp on the butterflies she gives you in your stomach
or catch them, **** them, and wear them as a trophy
it hurts me to know I'm just a piece of your past
I'm part of the puzzle that got lost under the sofa
something stale and forgotten

I've felt the fire before
but yours is a different kind of fire
its slower
more subdued
it wraps its flames gently around my bones and whispers wind into my marrow
its lovely heat fills my mouth
its fingers trace letters of lava onto my shoulders
and its breath leaves embers tangled in my eyelashes
the more i am burned, the more i crave
your kisses leave brands along my neck
leaking passion into my pores
fiery venom spreading through my blood
to my heart where its poison hums a smokey lullaby

the angel sits lovely on a cloud
beauty suspended in white
no gray to be found
bliss overwhelms as the sun heats her bones
enraptured in pearl fleece she lays happily alone
she suddenly looks down at the world below
and gray infects her spotless snow
the sky of crystal darkens
turning light to cold
indigo wraps her in a crushing hold
screaming invades her helpless mind
blackness coats her onyx eyes
leaving her blind
the angel falls from her place on the cloud
tar of sadness weighing her down
she feels herself falling deep into night
delicate wings unable to fight
she hits the ground with a splintering smack
little bones decorated with cracks
broken and beautiful the angel lays
disaster consumes her in its rage
from her lips rubies seethe
as the angel no longer breathes.

i don't want the sun on my skin
just in my bones
burn me form within
set your flames and disenegrate my sins
for i have many
and i don't seek to repent
or to forget
but have a new chapter in my novel
while knowing everything i now resent
i do not waste my time with regret
but better yet
keep everything people like to forget
on the brim of my brain
so i feel all of my pain
but do not let it drip down the drain
and move on with each lesson in mind
not to delete, but to live in a different time

I’d rather be blind than see the heat of your gaze
But no matter how many times I stitch my eyes together, your oceans rush in and scald my lids to lava
Lashes ignite and embers decorate my cheeks with flaring freckles
Fire licks the blood from my veins and flames drip down my teeth
Anger sticks to my oxygen, making smoke runs its lips along the walls of my lungs
The skies in your irises suffocate me faster than the rope I feel like tying around my neck sometimes
You were impossible, even for me...
But its hard to forget the way you set my soul on fire
And the searing splendor of your lips burning tattoos onto my skin
I break when I see crimson shadows of Rage trailing close behind Love's ruby footsteps
It reminds of the ashes that have made a home in my chest where my heart used to be

Feel the sun beating down on my bones
Rays of heat dance on me as my eyes close
Feel your fingers thirst for mine
Hands interlocked
As we lay in this day of only us
Light as air, not a care in our minds
Your fingertips graze my lips
And our souls align
High on each other, what a fix
My lips are your syringe
Addicted to all of your drugs
Stuck inside a lovely binge
Feel your breath crawl on my neck
Satisfaction in our veins and minds are our of calling range
As i feel your kisses rain
Rain on my back, rain on my cheeks
Rain on my curving hips
The hurricane of kisses rain
Drown by those lips

My head is spinning
Death is winning
as i lose my mind
crazy thoughts, dance and waltz
rest impossible to find
shouting, screaming
heart erratically beating
tension seething
no escape
black covers all
bottomless fall
into desolate waste
blood's all i taste
dripping, running
wrists flooding
with crimson rows of happiness
clawing, crawling
my minds keeps falling
my heart is stalling
into nothingness
option depleting
my mind is succeeding
in corroding, eroding
into blank space
the curtain is closing
my blood has stopped flowing
as death wraps me in its loveliness

a fresh cigarette sleeps on my lips
my eyes are full of onyx and ink
my lips drip with rubies and ember apples
as i wait
i can still taste your fire on my teeth
and feel the bruises your eyes left on my back
every bite mark on my skin glows in the dark
stars the decorate my snowy universe
my hair glitters with the dust from Saturn that you sprinkled over me and my skin is iridescent from the plasma you injected into my pores
i felt your universe inside mine
and every star exploded
every planet crumble at our feet
galaxies shattered
the sky fell
and the sun lost its mind
when we were done you stole the night and wrapped us up in silky indigo
and whispered i love you into every surface of my skin

I know your eyes are on my skin
I smile and I burn
It feels good when you look at me
It feels good when you don’t

It would be easier if you didn’t exist
Or if I didn’t exist
Or if we both existed somewhere else

I cry when you leave and I cry when you stay
My heart stings with pleasure
And relishes in pain


I think if I was a fish
And if you were a bird
We’d both suffocate

I sink into the claws of my floor
Rain crawls across my cheeks, scalding from a second before
My bones are unable to support the boulders
That have made a home on my scarred shoulders
It’s funny how the words that drip from your jaw always end up slapping me in the face
The bruises on my brain make me microscopic and you the callous king of this place  
The walls in here are graffitied with gruesome traces of your vicious venom
Urgent, ugly, and unrelenting
Shadows howl and holler, hidden beneath my burning bed
The beaches of barbed wire clutching my floor boards bite my moon skin
My eyes drip with onyx after looking into the ebony gaze of the weary windows, heavy with traces of haunted words, hurled hazardously in my helpless direction
My room mimics the madness moving along the corridors of my consciousness
Darkened, desolate, and destroyed
The dead sunflowers sleeping soundlessly on my pillows smoke cigarettes and my lungs become rough with rubies
thump, THump, THUMP
The sound of your titan steps set my nightmares on fire
My soul shakes when the echoes of your shoes and my fears collide
My blood tastes your fingers teasing my doorknob
And all I can see is the shaky symphony of my staggered breathing.

Sometimes it hurts to be me
I sit and think about my life a lot
My 19 years of living
And all I can do is cry
Tears lay down on my cheeks
Restless, they can't even sleep
They don't flow
They stick like dew does to grass in the morning
They hang from my leaves and glisten
When I cry, it feels like centuries go by before one can hit the ground
The faster they leave my ducts the slower they leave my face
They're comfortable there
They've known that place for a long time
Wiping them away doesn't  help because the simple touch of my finger is a howling reminder of how touching me can only leave to hurt
Words have hit my face just as much as angry fists
I've hurt myself more than anyone else ever has
I've kissed my skin with razor blades but it hurts more just being me
Just being Emma

Ringing in my ears my metallic sings to me
a sweet melody sending frenzied notes to embed themselves into my brain
my wrists are white roses and blank canvas waiting to be painted red
I'm a warrior ready to slay my demons with a sword
a knife sits some where in a kitchen drawer
still singing and all i can taste is silver spit

Sing to me
Caress me with your lullaby
Let the notes float around my skin
And attach themselves to me
Pull me close to your chest
Lay my head on your heart
So i can hear the rhythm of your soul
The percussion of your being
Push your lips to my lips
Let them play
Let them curl around eachother
Urgent and lovely
Breath me in
And let your kisses fall
Like raindrops on my cheeks
Look into my eyes
Hold me there
Come into me
See the complexities of my mind
Feel the passion racing through my veins
Hear the music of my essence
Smell the beauty in my blood
Taste the darkness in my brain
Perceive the universe around us
Only us
The sun, the moon
See the stars scald
the entire indigo sky stops
As we lay in blissful ignorance
As you love me to sleep

I kissed you out in the open last night
My lips were sticky with beer and static
I smelled like cigarettes and wild apples
My skin whispered to the tips of your fingers every time we touched
I felt like a violent flame dancing with no wind

Your eyes on my skin felt like cool black glass
Your tongue was so willing and tasted like maple syrup
Sweet and heavy
It dripped down my teeth like hot, sugary wax

My insides were shrieking horses, waiting to run
Their hooves drilled the ground with impatience
and their eyes were wild children, running towards sunsets

You pulled me closer
My heart beats were thunder
My breath was lightening
My hands moved like savages down your shoulders

The sky snickered
The stars sighed
And the moon looked away
I didn't care
All i could taste was maple syrup

breathe in, breathe out
take a hit to fill my lungs
the smoke makes the tingles run
up my body
down my spine
green clouds fill my mind
hazy
lazy
crazy night
my head is taking flight
forgetting sorrows, forgetting pain
only numbness can take over my brain
unstoppable
all possible
spread out wings to fly
there's nothing better than getting high

The pain rushes in like manic waves.
their hungry currents are irate,
and knock my feet out from under me.
Tar oozes down my spine slowly like wet slug,
And traps the lighting in each vertebrae.
They sting and splinter like diamonds.
My skin sings the blues louder than the storm shrieking inside me.
It begs me on its knees to play those silver keys,
and let ruby notes sparkle down
paper wrists to finger tips.
My tears release their fleeting grip
and get comfortable on my cheeks.
My heart screams mercy and defeat.
Nothing is in control but the chaos
and there is only chaos with careful control.
I am a tired star ready to sleep.
On the edge of a supernova,
waiting for my chance to be stardust

Once you flip the addiction switch there is no escape
it becomes part of your DNA, a code stitched to a piece of your soul
Since the first time i kissed my wrists with something sharp i was taken under its spell
Even when you stop cutting you're addicted because every day you have to think constantly, "No, don' do it. Don't write your problems on your arms."
Every day until i die
that's the choice you make when you do dangerous things
you play with fire and you get burned
and I'm ashes my friend
ashes to ashes, dust to dust, blood to blood.
cutting is not a way for me to get attention or pity
its many way of control
when your life is swirling around you in a spiral of puzzle pieces that don't fit control is key
cutting is control
and as much as i fill these white pages with lead and tired words, it will never amount to the pleasure i get from filling my wrists with blood
i haven't cut for x days but that doesn't take back the 6 years i destroyed my skin or make me any less of a cutter
I am a cutter on hiatus and old habits die hard
I'm okay for now, but there is nothing more powerful to me than singing metallic

My eyes hurt from all the crying i have yet to do
I've been holding them in
diamonds grating my eyelids to shreds
i want smooth pearls on my face
but i am afraid that if i let them go
my grip on sanity will follow like sheep
darkness will drink it down like wine and have its way with me
should i open a vein or my tear ducts?
which will hurt more?
all i can feel is pain clinging  to every ***** for dear life
i can taste it dripping from my teeth
i sense my tears
i sense my blood
both clicking like metronomes in my skull
the hope i keep grabbing at is air that teases my fingers
if i keep falling from the sky I'll surely hit hell one of these days

The salty wind twirls its fingers around the waves of my hair
and the sand sleeps draped in moonlight under my feet
The ocean meditates
and the sky wears a veil of midnight moss

Your hands drip down my back like warm honey
My skins licks the sweetness from your palms
I drink you down like sun rays and pink lemonade
Your sugar dives deep  into my cherry veins

Your heat makes all my questions evaporate
My eyes are full moons glowing on your face
Your lips throw mine up against a wall
and explore
And a breath escapes me like wild hummingbirds

i wish i could be part of the rain
falling from the dark sky
making the streets glisten
dampening grass
sticking to windows
i want to fall on everyone
caress the as i drop
kiss their cheeks with liquid lips
hang from their eyelashes
wipe them clean of everything

we're sleeping in the sky
and eating the sun
our bed is Orion's belt
my pillow is the moon
we could run all day in the stars
and swim all night on the tails of comets
you keep galaxies in your pockets and i keep constellations on my fingertips
so ever collision makes gravity rethink itself
we've spent centuries ******* plasma out of nebulas
and playing jump rope with Saturn's rings
i want to be in constant supernova with you
and wrap myself in your universe

Everywhere I look, I see shadows of you
Black magic outlines of your body sleep with me through the hollow nights
Music isn't the same without your love sizzling notes onto the petals of my skin
The world turned to a blurry ******* mess when cupid  shot arrows into my eyes
Do you see the blood crawling down my cheeks?
My eyes rain because you're not here to look at
My sun has turned to ash
Every time you walk through my brain, the razors on your soles turn my thoughts to ribbons
And the only thing that is real is the winter in my lungs
and rubies where my blood is suppose to be.
All i feel is rocks.

sometimes i feel like I'm walking up a down staircase
like the whole world is moving in one harmonious direction
and I'm lost in a sea of roads antagonized by dead ends
my head feels crazy
bolts are unscrewed and wires are crossed
a mechanical malfunction
sometimes i am up
up up up
my skin tingles with activity
dynamite in under the surface ready to be detonated
vibrations circulate
and cells dance with one another
i am wild
animalistic
invincible

sometimes i am down
down down down
darkened hope reigns
a wave of black water runs around me in circles
my lungs spill over with it and i suffocate
my throat burns with sorrow
suspended in pure agony
as the waves laugh and swallow me
i am devoured by ebony
terrorized by my own thoughts
body stuck in a tar of sadness
i feel death smile down on my distortion
he waits for the waves to finally drown me

Some times i am red
red red red
anger is all there is
it clouds my vision
making my ember eyes glow
fire runs through my blood
feeding into my muscles
pure rage envelops me in its choke hold and i lose control
violence plays my core like a set of flaming drums
furry has made a home in my chest
covered in red, the anger waxes
consuming me in a blood moon

up
down
red
up
down
red

a see-saw in my head.

I've sinned
over and over again
sin is what always wins
envy makes my blood turn green
wrath makes my eyes glow red
lust makes my body hot
sloth makes my legs go dead
gluttony makes my mouth drip blue
pride makes my head heavy with gold
greed makes my heart beat silver
seven and deadly, these sins have my soul.

I let you use my body last night
i think i liked it more than you did
the look in your lion eyes made me tremble as
you crawled over the leather skin of my couch
and dragged your hungry lips over mine
i let the embers on your fingertips brand chains around my wrists
a wild laugh escaped from your teeth
as you pressed yourself up against me
to let me feel the excitement
and show me what was coming
your breath pricked my skin
as your hands ripped away everything stopping them from warm flesh
i was naked
exposed
stripped
raw
for you to see
and touch
and control
you led me like a child into the bedroom
I was your doll, as you bent me over the side of the bed
sweat licked my spine
and i felt your eyes tasting every curve of my body
anticipation ran its fingernails over the velvet  of my back
You stood silently behind me,
your fingers played with the space just above my anxious skin
making me wait
I bite into the skin of surrender
and let the juices bleed
down my open lips
to the blooming lilies of my neck

do you really know what you're getting into?
i am dangerous
do you like that?
so you like the taste of my danger?
you tasted me last night
what is my taste?
do i taste like sugar?
poison?
passion?
night?
what's my taste?
You taste like happiness, excitement, desire
like clouds and the ocean
like grape jelly and poetry
you taste like good music and smoke
like long conversations about nothing and everything
like long days at the beach and long nights in my bed
you taste like possibilities
like flustered hot cheeks
like kryptonite
like steaming rain and warm silk

All I can do i laugh until I cry
As i watch you forget to say goodbye
you walked away
Like it was all a little game
But you didn't forget to dig my grave

Your shovel cuts deep into my back
I can't see anything, but empty black
My tears crawl down
and break the ground
without a sound
I'm lost without you around

It's funny how this all played out
And how quickly you forget all we talked about
Were her kisses anything like mine?
Do you think she could taste all of your lies?

All you ever did was make me cry
And its like all I ever do is lose my mind
I shiver at how easy it was to leave me behind
I hope you freeze without my fire

i spilled my self into your bed the other night
my body dripped down your sheets like lava
as your arms held me fastened to the base beat of a heart, shy and scarred beneath your chest
your lips found mine in the dark
they danced, and laughed and cried up against each other as your hands answered questions along my moon skin
our clothes quickly became a memory
and our bodies became urgent with curiosity and too much *****
your teeth left reminders on my neck
on my hips
on my inner thighs
and i smile every time the mirror reminds me that you were there

she's the girl you just can't comprehend
the one who's nobody's definition of "right"
the one who likes black roses on Valentine's Day
the girl who drinks blood instead of wine
the girl who thinks combat boots go with a field of daises
the girl with a brain of stars an a mind of barbed wire
the girl who confuses cigarettes with candy
the girl who dreams of smokey jazz and rain covered windows
the girl who has eyes that drip with midnight and black magic
the girl who picks flowers and eats them
the girl that licks moonlight during the daytime
the girl that carries dragon flies and rock and roll in her pocket
the girl that paints her face indigo and ***** in dead grass
the girl that bites fire and breaths onyx
the girl whose lips seethe uranium
the girl that hears tea leaves and drinks gasoline
the girl that slides down black rainbows and sleeps in liquid rubies
she is just that girl.

I close my eyes
and lightening flies
dance around inside my mind
I'm the girl who plays with fire
who's veins are made of silver wires
who's skin lights up with neon granite
who isn't really from this planet
I'll scream my name until you all fall at my feet
swing from laughing, ancient trees
dance until the earth decides to break
die with a smile, my soul awake.

Your eyes trace notes onto the pages of my skin
like my lips composing music along the scales of your neck
Every time you look at me I feel the ocean rush in
and your waves splash around, like a drum, in my chest
Your fingers play my heart strings like a base guitar
slow, heavy, and dripping with thoughtful sweat
Play me till your hands need sleep and your tongue grows heavy
The piano keys you're searching for are carved into my back
Black, white and easy.

Way to go.
You're about to abandon me
Again.
I can't believe I'm surprised
After everything you've put me through
All the tears that went to waste crying over you
All the years I spend practically dying because of you
You ****** me up.
Do you understand that you are a DRUG ADDICT?
Do you know that you used up all of our money on you?
Not your wife
Not your kids
But on you
Do you  understand that hitting me left permanent bruises?
Do you know how it feels when your own father tells you that he doesn't love you?
It makes her want to die
Its because of you I started cutting my skin
I've wasted more blood on you than tears dad
I drank until I blacked out, all for you
I got ***** when i was 14 because of you
My first experience with *** was a mix of alcohol and tears
Where the **** were you?
All the drugs I've taken
The Xanax, the ****, the coke, the acid
and whatever else I swallowed or snorted or smoked
To get you out of my ******* head
All the eviction notices
All the loss
All your fault.
You made me wan't to die
You hurt me so much i wanted to not exist anymore
Then you moved away and didn't speak to me
Left the crazy girl to die
Insane
Broken. Used up. Out of life.
You came back eventually
But its not you anymore
Where is the man who used to called me his little princess
I've become a woman without you
After all of that, i still have a relationship with the man who calls himself my "father"
But blood obviously means nothing to me
I am the only one who still loves you
I don't get it. You're leaving again.
So way. to. go.

you hurt me the other day
thought you should know
I'm aware that you are afraid
but that doesn't give you license to ****
me.
to **** me.
you don't want to get hurt
i get that
more than you realize
but hurting me because you don't want to get hurt is such an annoying/amazing contradiction
it is not okay to hurt me in order to protect yourself
selfish.
but I'm not mad
you have good intentions
just don't do it again
I've spent enough time in my short existence
crying over men
cutting over men
dying over men
i do not need any more nights screaming my lungs to sleep because it feels better than dealing with emotions
i am easy to hurt
fragile even, although i may not seem that way
just touching me wrong makes me bruise
you could probably **** me with three words and dead eyes...
you will never see this and i will never show it to you
but i will always know
love isn't any easy dance
it takes suffering
but its a beautiful kind of suffering
hopefully you can let go a bit
life is too **** short to hold back these kind of feelings
i am nothing to be afraid of really
i don't bite.
well, not true, but that was a metaphor.
but in all honestly i need you to just feel
feel everything
that's meaning here in this prison
oh, i mean "life"
just. feel.

I'm going to sip your fire through a straw
and let its embers ignite in my eyes
explosions
combustions
eruptions
fire flies stuck in columns of my spine
my blood is lava and yours is the sun
my heart supernovas every time you burn me
your sweet heat plays with the bones of my hips
I love the bonfires you light on my lips
when we collide, its sunrise and sunset from every point in the raging sky
nuclear fusion melts our cells to one another
you've injected yourself into my veins and burnt me to a blissful crisp
a firey drug
an explosive love
addicted to your flaming fix

All of this time has gone by
I can't seem to stop the arms on the clock.
No matter how hard I push them back,
they slingshot forward like comets
with lost tears trailing desperately behind.
Overcast sleeps soundly  above the grooves of my brain
and sleet slides like needles down the back of my neck
glass paints the pavement of my cheeks
Frozen quartz blooms from my eyelashes
When i think of you,
a storm shrieks inside my chest
Its furious
and ******...
It breaks all of my windows
And all of my houses collapse
the image of your face in my mind is like peeling wallpaper
Ugly
Tired
and sad.

Hit me with everything you got
Because I love every last shot
All of these bullet holes are filled with iron
My veins drip with ****** fire
I take every blow with laughter spilling over in my eyes
Diamonds hang like glass from my pupils when i cry

every time your eyes fall over me
my body is ecstasy
all that matters is electricity
lightening is what i see
as I'm taken into a frenzy
lips ooze static energy
bolts travel free
and i am me
electric as can be.

Its's hard to write in here sometimes
I'm afraid to confront myself
It feels like an intervention
It's way easier to be honest with everyone else
Life is just scary right now
My three year relationship is over...
And it breaks my heart
Why couldn't he be what i needed?
Why couldn't he not be selfish?
Why couldn't he be the person i thought he was?
His baggage is just too heavy for me
and he can't figure out how not to hurt me
how sad is that?
i feel like a used napkin
All i can do now is let go
like everyone keeps saying
there's always just a crescent of hope glowing inside me
and i cling to happiness like an old teddy bear
all the good times rush in like warm waves...
Then they fall back to the sea
its not enough
love is funny like that
it can't stand on its own two feet
I'm alone now.
Its really sad and relieving
I feel like i can breath and like i'm suffocating
Like i'm in an open field and a jail cell
I'm a ghost and a brick wall
I don't know
It's just really hard to write in here.

They say love can be a tricky little thing
Make your heart bruise and bleed slowly
But i fail to see why I should be stuck on lonely
So I'll open my arms
Open my heart
Leave room to be filled with your stars
Take me all the way
Make me want to play
Show me your soul today
It's growing harder to stay
With my feet on the ground
When your eyes open wide can lift me up without a sound
They're arrows in my heart
As i feel your fire start
Makes me never want to be apart