sometimes I regret that we are not sitting in your bedroom dropping acid
or that we haven't taken drugs that make us want to walk around town
in the glistening 3am winter

sometimes I miss drinking Jameson with you
stumbling home from a party up the road to find a nice soft dirt trail
to fumble around in for a while

sometimes I miss smoking Export A's, one after the another
inhaling the toxic fumes like I inhaled your presence
until the whole pack was gone
inevitably, just like you always were by the end of the week

but now I'm doing greater things than snorting lines and drinking away the pain you caused
I have ambitions and I'm getting out of this god forsaken **** hole

I am apologetic that I could not save you
and that when you were on the path to being saved
I was a liability that may have ultimately caused your eventual demise

now you are rotting away in a place I never saw you in
you are a person I never wanted you to be and never thought you could be

this is the person everybody else saw and told me to run from
while I was batting my eyelashes and losing sleep

I am at a terrible loss for words even though I have just written so many

where we were last year was galaxies away from this
maybe you don't see it like I do
I'd give a lot to be there again but I wouldn't give everything
our *****-soaked friendship has been forever changed
by a few wrong decisions and a lack of words exchanged

nobody ******* talks to me anymore
it crawls under my skin
and keeps me sighing instead of smiling
just when things get good they go south
and the farther down they fall
the more I thirst for them

When does my apprehensive foot step over the mythical dotted line?
Did my tired eyes see too far into the tender words you ****** upon my delicate soul?
I am but a flower in a garden of potential love; almost love.

You write me a story overflowing with great intention but of what?
A special appeal is a soft hand tucked between the overworked creases of yours.
My tired eyes see not only what they want to but what they are willing to.
Is that enough?

Last year was so different
Secrets, lies, hiding
And for what?
Happy Birthday

I never thought I would miss the smell of cigarettes
or the way saying sorry a million times over felt in my mouth.
I never thought the things I couldn't live without were teasing you
and ******* like it would be the last thing we did.
I knew that some day I would regret not letting you taste me on that beach
but how could I foresee that you would have been so excited to run your hands on my body that night.
An electric charge that had built up only to be released in the form of a number 69,
something about a missionary, and a cowgirl.