the scariest part
of today
was definitely realising
that
i
miss him








                   ****.

****
                                           s   h    i      t
        ****
no
no no no no

                           the memories
they're
                 f
                   a
                       d
                              i
                                    n
                                           g
stay

             please stay right here

no no no
                           no no no
don't

               leave

                                 don't let the memories fade
don't


               don't become
a
         s t r a n g e r

please
                           please please please
no


          can we stop  this for a minute


just please
                                                                             no no no

stop

                    g o d d a m n i t
please

                         ****  


i can't

i don't want

                        to forget

nights like this
i miss his kiss
a little more than usual

his sweet brown eyes
so true, no lies
i think about them still

more time to waste
moan, feel, touch, taste
the memories won't fade

and now i can't even look
at the stars in the night sky
without thinking of the night
where we left the party
and found an old hammock
in the back of a garden
and you held your arms
around me tight
and tried to find
the stars you knew of
and my head fit perfectly
where your shoulder
and neck meets
and just like that we kissed
and it was so clear
that you were the one for me

but maybe

it's just that i need you
maybe
every inch of my body
aches for your touch
every second
every hour
maybe
i need you
maybe
i need for you to promise
that this is forever
and that you won't leave me
aching and craving like now
maybe
i die a little more
every day i'm not with you
maybe
i need you to need me
just half as much as i need you
and
maybe
a little more

like when you said
you felt
                so         h a p p y
you could
       die

i
am
(w)here
(are)
(you)

i
             don't
                                                          see
       what                    anyone
                    can
          see
                                  in anyone else
but



you

do you like him?
                                             i don't want to
but you do?
                                             i do

it's
you
it's
you
it's
all
for
you
everything
i
do

and she can hardly breathe without you

i was naive enough
to think that everything
would be better
i really
truly
believed
that things would go
my way

dear friend
i'm sorry i'm sending another letter so soon
but i deeply need your help
it all happened last night
i know you couldn't come
so i'll tell you what happened
the party was over
but i didn't want to go home
home is where my bed is
and my bed is where my thoughts bloom
so i sat outside
on the stairs
fifth step from the top
i know because i counted
i just sat there
with my head
planted firmly on my knees
not making a single sound
and i wanted him to ask if i was okay
which is weird
because i never want people to do that
he never asked anyway
he never even looked at me
instead he stood on the field
directly across from the stairs
hugged his friend
and kissed her on the cheek
touching a bit of her lip
with his
then he was gone
and i didn't see how he left
or in what direction he went
but he was gone and he didn't care
that i was left alone again
and i know i left him too
and i know he doesn't want to hear me apologies
or explain why i acted like i did
that's why i'm writing this letter
because i know he listens to you
and i need you to tell him
that i am deeply sorry
and i hate myself for ever letting him go

never
have i ever
been more torn
or out of words
it's all so fragile
a tiny touch of wrong
and it's all broken
i run and hide
to escape it
because i am not ready
for the storm cloud of reality
to roll
into my heart
and change my beliefs
about the two of us

and i saw you talking to him
laughing at his stupid ******* jokes
which is fine
good for you
i'm not into him anymore
and i'm not jealous
i should be i guess
it's just the way you two
were standing there
talking and joking
it reminded me of old times
and it wouldn't bother me
if he liked you
but still i'm a little sad

if i can make it there
i'll see you on the other side

the darkness is the winter
we blew out the winter
the sadness is the fall
the spring is as well
we chased that away
with lights and flowers of green
there's only us left
we are the summer
and when summer is over
you'll be the winter
and i'll be the spring
when summer is back
we'll fall for each other all over again

i went to bed early last night
because i needed some time
where you couldn't control my thinking
and the plan would've gone perfectly
if you hadn't made your way
into my dreams

i read somewhere that
if a writer falls in love with you,
you can't die
and i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
because i know you don't want to walk
on this earth anymore
i'm sorry if this stupid poem
made you immortal

i started a new school today
and people in my class are really sweet
and a lot of people made me laugh
and i got to be around people  
i used to know very well
and they looked at me
like they had missed me
and the bus was on time
and my bag wasn't heavy
and an old couple smiled at me
and said hello
and my mum asked me how my day was
and my dad did the same
the sun was out today
no rain at all
today i am very happy

there's this song I like
at one point it goes
'lovers dance when they're feeling in love'
which is funny because
that night after you kissed me
and said all those lovely things
someone said
"why don't you two go inside and dance"
and you replied
"i don't know how to dance"

i remember sitting on the edge of a wishing well
looking down
seeing all the shiny coins
and i wondered
what the people wished for
and if anyone wondered
what i wished for

i remember starring at the clouds
they looked like feathers and pretty daisies
and i wondered
if anyone was looking
at the same cloud as i
and if they saw the daisies as well