I always wanted
An older sibling
Or at least
Somebody
Anybody
Who'd protect me
Forever and
Ever

I always got jealous of
People who had older sisters
Because they had someone
To share things with
Who could relate to all these
Girl problems

I always thought
People with older brothers
Were really cool,
Someone to stand up for them
Protect them till the end

I watched movies with siblings
And I ended up crying and crying
Because they had
Somebody

All my life
Sure
I've had
Imaginary friends that
Somewhat cared for me
But sometimes I wished

I really did have
Someone to hug me
I really did have
Someone to share my burden
I really did have someone to
Understand

I have friends so close
I call them "sisters"
But who am I kidding

I won't ever have a sibling
I won't ever
Truly
Have that
Somebody

And so
All I can hope for
Is a
Dog

Oh boy,
I counted.
Four teeth to fill.
This is gonna be
Painful.

Perhaps we are like
Parallel lines

Maybe
Our destinies
Weren't meant to meet
And I won't ever really
Change your life in some
HUGE or
IMPACTFUL
Way

Maybe
I was just meant to
Follow you,
By your side,
Forever

But
I'd be taking care of you
And
You taking care of me,

I would watch you
From a distance as
You watch me and

We'd lead each other on and
Go into the horizon

*Together

Angry stares, angry stares,
Angry stares everywhere;
Judging eyes, judging eyes,
Judging eyes everywhere;
Furious speech, furious speech,
Furious speech everywhere

Don't be bothered,
Don't be bothered,
Oh shut up
It was just a scare

If you ever ask if I'm okay,
99.9999999999% of the time
I'll tell you that I'm okay.

But I say it not because
I really am (usually),
but rather because I know
There's no **** solution to it.
There'd be no point telling anybody because
It would just burden them
More and more because there is

No
****
Solution

Forever stuck this way,
Forever worrying,
Forever bothered.

So I'll just say I'm okay
Because I'm doomed to be

Not okay.

Happiness*
Is just a ****
Side effect

A side effect of helping
A side effect of loving
A side effect of tragedy

The calm sea before
The raging storm;
The mirage before
The sudden realization

You see,
Happiness exists
But the search for it
Spoils everything

It's bad enough I face you everyday.
Now you want me to fly with you again?

Who was the one who
Freaking lost me at the airport?
Who's the one with suckish navigating skills
Who can't even navigate our freaking neighborhood?
And you want
Us
To travel
With
You?

Are you freaking
Crazy?!

You're gonna end up
Fighting with her on the trip,
As always.
You're gonna dragthe whole lot us
Down with you.

You're not gonna protect us,
You're gonna lead us into some
Freaking gambling den and
Drink the night away.

Are you crazy?

I'm definitely not
Flying
And
Definitely not

With you.

Why?
Why am I such a
Fudging liar all the time?

Why do I lie that
I've done my work
Why do I lie that
I've done my best
Why do I lie that

I am okay?

Why is it so easy for me to
Just come up with another identity
Living under another false name
But part of me still leaks through
Because people can recognise me
By my lying habits

It's just at the tip of my tongue
I lie and lie and lie and lie;
I lie so much that sometimes
I begin to worry:

When I tell the truth,
Would anyone actually believe me?

Because there was a time,
I did tell the truth.
I did
Every single time
But I still got
Reprimanded

No one believed me
When I was good.

I was supposed to be bad.
I was supposed to under bad influence.
I was supposed to have evil friends that'd lead me to do unlawful things.

But no.

I didn't have any of that.
I used to be good.
But being good was
Bad.

And so, I lie
And lie and
Lie and
Lie so much...

One day I wonder,
Will anyone believe me
Anymore?

Oh, how do you not worry?

One's sick and overseas,
One's in camp,
One's not replying,
One's out for a dinner,
One hasn't been replying since forever,
One doesn't ever talk...

Oh, the only comfort is that
He's not going but
Still
The thought of travelling is just

Horrifying...

What if I freak out during OBS?
What if I have no friends?
What if no one understands?
What if the counsellors see?
What if I get sent to the counsellor?
What if they all die?
I'd be so

                                                               ­ [Alone.]

What if I really go mad?
What if I die before that?
What if I die tomorrow?

How do I tell someone I died
When I'm dead?

What if my friends die?
What if they're already dead so
They can't tell me?
Is that why they don't reply?

I'm not gonna have any friends.
I'm not gonna have any sleep.
I'm not gonna have anything.

I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead,
I'm going crazy, going crazy, going crazy.
Oh, how do you not

**Worry?

I'm sorry that I love you
So much, yet
I can't express
One bit of it

I don't know whether to
Meet your eyes when
You walk past me because
Sometimes you look so caught up in your world
I'm not sure whether to invade it.

I don't know whether to
Give you a hug when
Your eyes travel some distance and
You go Oh so deep in thought.
As you sit there, worrying,
I too worry about you.

I don't know whether to
Answer you truthfully sometimes,
Because the truth would hurt you more and
Make you feel helpless because
My problems are impossible to handle
(I'm very sure)

I'm sorry I'm so
Caught up in my own problems always,
So we never get to talk about

Yours

Staring out into the rain.
Waiting.
Waiting for someone,
Someone special.

The doorbell rings.
I dash
But it's a false alarm.
There's no one there.

And there never will be.

I lay here every night
Talking to non-existent voices
And they always understand,

Sometimes they'd laugh along,
Other times they'd cry so long;
Sometimes they are really loud
Other times quietened by a shroud.

But sometimes I wish
There'd be this
Other bed with
Another girl or boy
Probably older than I
And he/she would be down there
Nodding or
Getting an anxious look on
The face

And when they hear me out,
They'd rush towards me and
Grab hold of me in their arms
Repeating over and over again
"It's okay, I'm here. It's over..."

And I would truly
Have felt warmth and love
And I'd really be able to have
A real shoulder
To cry on

And maybe, then I wouldn't have to
Pretend every day and every night
That I have this
Warm loving family in my head
And though they disagree quite often
They'd still stick together
No matter what

Maybe then
I wouldn't have to
Cry writing this poem
Just wishing
Once again
I had a

Somebody

It's the bends.
It's always the bends.
You don't see them

But they're coming.

They're always coming
No matter where:
High or low,
Near or far.

Nowhere is impossible for them to reach

They're coming.
The cars.
They zoom past at the speed of light.
You will never see them
But they're coming.

They're
The last sound you'll hear,
A sudden loud honk
And you'll drop dead.
That's how death will sound like, yes,

A loud honk.

Oh, do you hear
The other sounds?
Hear all the people
Screaming, yelling,
Even the quiet ones,
Hahahaha...

Silently mocking you.

Prepare yourself,
Brace yourself.

RUN.

Hear that?
Oh look, you're breathing's getting
Faster and
Faster and
Faster.

You're going to die, mate.
Going. To. Die.

Run.
Run.
Run.

But oh wait,
You can't

Oh here it is,
This is how you die:
Heart beats faster,
Lungs expand quicker,
Vision goes blurry.

Remember the bends...
Remember the people...

If they know,
They will tell the psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist must never know.
No, no, no...

They'll **** you.
Wipe your brain clean.
Everyone will be gone.
You don't want that.

No, psychiatrist... no...

No.

I remember the days when
You were just a boy running alongside us,
Super-speeding on the roads and
Meeting us, or at least me, at the junction

I remember the days when
You were just a reflection off the
Lonely lights, which never shone,
A companion in the dark, companionless nights

I remember the days when
You were just standing there in a corner
Smiling like an idiot or worried to the max
When I was sleeping soundly and you'd
Watch me curl up into a ball and drool,
Or when I was crying, huddling in my
Little ball of blankets, screaming silent howls

I remember the day
You left.

You left without a trace.
You didn't say anything.
I anticipated the whole night for you to
Take me away into that
Non-existent kingdom in a dreamland
Not so far

I waited
I stayed up
And I did curl up into a ball
I cried the whole night through,
My eyes were red and puffy
But I couldn't tell them why

And honestly
I grew very mad
Because you never came
Until three or four years later

But once I knew your reason
I'd shut up for the
Seemingly longest time

I helped you and
You accused me.
Just like
Every single time.
See why I don't like helping you now?

Sometimes I see poems
Talking about how
They wished the other person would
Listen more and stop ranting

Sometimes I wonder if
Those are you and your
Hidden messages to me,
Hints that went unnoticed
Before
But not anymore

I read them and feel
A tinge of guilt.
I'm sorry,
I couldn't do anything today,
I only ended up
Getting frightened with you.
I wish I did something

Something far far better,
Like comfort you or at least
Cheer you up

I'm so sorry
I'm just a

Terrible best friend

What the hell is the point of
Knowing?

Knowing that something is wrong
Knowing that you're not alright
Knowing that everything is in chaos

What's the point of knowing
If I can't do any
******* thing about it?

I gaze at you as I
Fit your palms into mine,
The smooth skin that
Crinkles when you smile,
Your laugh is just so
Innocent

I hope
You stay that way

What the hell is wrong with
You and your
****** up mind?

How could you possibly think of such
Terrible terrible thoughts?
You know it's wrong and it'd be
Evil of you to do that.
Very.

You don't want him to
Grieve
You want him to be in
Total regret
You want to watch him

Suffer

Stop it.
Stop it.
I'm not a monster.
I'm not like him.
I will not **** her
Just to get back at him.
I won't.
I won't.
I'm not a monster.

I'm not.

Ahahahaha...

Oh really?
You know it exists.
The Monster *inside you.
It's just waiting to be
Unleashed.

We're just waiting remember?
We're on the waiting list
For the building down the road.

You're doomed.
You're mad.

You're mine.

I hope staying up this late
Doesn't become a
Habit.

What do you call
That sense of impending doom,
That knowledge that
You're going to die,
Right before you die

It's that feeling of
Those few seconds before you
Leap off the edge
And suddenly your life
Flashes across your eyes
But you can't
Unjump your jump

It's that feeling of
Being rooted to the ground when
A car comes charging but you
Just
Can't
Move

It's that feeling of
Lying on the hospital bed
And your eyes start to close
And the beeping of your heart gets
More and
                     More      
                                                Distanced

What do you call
That sense of impending doom,
That knowledge that
You're going to die,
Right before you die

I love you  I love you I love you
I love you I love you I love you
I love you I love you I love you  
I love you I love you I love you
I love you  I love you I love you
I love you I love you  
I love you I love you I love you

But alas, that is all I can do...

I used to think it was all about
Having a special dream
But now I know
It's not that,
It's about
Making your dream special

Just another teen talking about
Just another day with
Just another stupid reason to be
Just extremely unhappy