Are we everything we wanted to be?
I don't mind telling you, nothing is what it seems.
Here I go along this long traveled road.

Snow is pure white and fresh like an angel's wings waiting in heaven.
I pull back the thick curtains and look out my window.
The snow is slowly falling like pieces of cotton from the sky.
It looks so soft and light that I want to reach out and touch it with my hand.
The moonlight catches each flake and makes it shine.
It looks so wonderfully peaceful outside that  I decide I must go.

I bundle up with my puffy down coat, hat, and black scarf.
I pull my boots on and open the door.
I walk into the bright moonlight and stare at the falling snow.
It is so beautiful this I know.
It is so bright outside because of the full moon overhead.

The snow falls upon my face and cleans away the dirtiness.
It melts as soon as it touches my skin.
Now my face is wet and my eyelashes hold the flakes as they fall down faster than before.
It is so quiet all around.
I can't hear a sound.
I feel happiness that only my heart can hold.
I love the snow!

There is no sound except for my boots walking upon the snow.
No cars, sirens, or people to be found.
The only light is from the bright moon that seems so near to me now.
It seems so peaceful outside that my worries and problems from the day,
They all fade away.

The snow is cold as it hits my cheeks again and again.
I love the clean, cold, crisp air,
I take a deep breath taking it in.
It is cold enough that it burns when it reaches my lungs and fills my nose.
I walk down the road for a while.
Not seeing a single soul.

I see a small dim light in the distance.
I wonder what it could be?
I haven't noticed it before?

The snow crunches loudly with each step I take.
The snowflakes are falling bigger, faster, and harder now.
It is almost too hard to keep my eyes open.
I squint so the hard pellets, which were once soft flakes a time ago don't sting my eyes.
I keep walking towards the light.

With each step I take my momentum slows,  
The howling wind blows the snow against my face so hard that I can't see a thing.
It stings, it bites, and the temperature is dropping now I do believe.
It has suddenly become bitterly cold,
I can see my breath, where I couldn't before.
I keep on walking, I don't know why?
But it feels like the light is pulling me in.

The light in the distance is getting brighter.
I am almost there.
I am very tired and sore all of a sudden.
How long have I been out here?
Should I stop and turn back or keep going in the whipping, blinding snow?
I stop in the middle of the road.
Which way should I go?

I could walk towards the light, or turn back and go into the darkness behind me now.
I choose to walk on, towards the bright light that gets brighter with each step I take.
The light is closer, no turning back.
I am intrigued and entranced by the light's warmth and its glow.
I slowly walk into the light and finally I feel safe at last.

I am warm and comforted by the yellow light that surrounds me on this dark, cold, snowy night.
It feels good to breathe air that doesn't burn icicles in my chest.
The light is too bright, and I close my eyes tight.
I am glad that I am no longer in the blinding snow.
Where am I?
I open my mouth to say, "Hello."
But no voice comes out, only silent hums from the lights all around.
Should I stay or turn and run?

I suddenly feel a panic inside, like I am somewhere I don't belong.
I walk back in the direction from which I came.
All I see is ambient yellow light around me.
The road is gone and all the white falling snow has vanished.
I want to be back home right now.

I turn to the yellow humming lights and find only more light ahead of me.
Will I ever return to all that I know?
Or is it all gone in this unknown world I walked into?
I turn and start to run.

I run as fast as I can, but I can't seem to get anywhere.
I feel as though I am standing still, but running in place.
I feel the wet tears welling up inside my eyes.
They fall down my cheeks, as I realize my own fate.
Where is all the blinding snow?

Running and running I am out of breath.
My lungs burn now from the lack of air, instead of freezing snow.
I close my eyes and make a wish.
I wish I hadn't walked into the white, peaceful snow.
Tears from my eyes fall so hard like hail stones in a summer thunderstorm.

I stop running and open my stinging red eyes.
It feels as though I have been crying for days.
I see a small glimpse of an angel's wing.
A soft white feather brushes against my face.
A wind picks up quickly and dries my tears.
The air begins to freeze again, and I gasp for air or maybe for my own words.
What is happening?
I feel weak and I give up the fight to continue.
Did I die in the blinding snow?
Is this the end of the road, or the end of my life as I know?

Suddenly, there is heat in my soft frozen cheeks, as though I have been thawing after a long hard winter's cold.
I open my eyes again, afraid to take a look around.
I wake to find it was all but a dream.
I think, or do I believe?
I am in my bed with the covers pulled up to my chin.
Breathing so hard and scared to speak.
I get up slowly from my snowy slumbering nightmare.

I walk to my window and pull back the heavy, thick curtains with shaking hands.
The snowflakes are quietly falling, perfectly from their winter clouds.
Soft and white like big cotton puffs.
I want to reach out and touch them with my hand.
I breathe a sigh of relief, and turn around to go.
I feel something wet and cold dripping down my face.
If it was a dream, then why is my hair wet from the melting snow?

Don't you know how much I want you?
I don't want to let you go.
I call out your name and reach out for you.
I twist and turn all my thoughts around in my dizzy head,
Just trying to replace you.
Don't you know this is getting harder and you are slowly slipping farther behind.
Farther from my mind,
Slipping farther than ever before.
Your candle has blown out and the flame in my heart has smoldered and is disappearing.
The cold night air comes in my window and brushes all my feelings away.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath of cold air into my lungs,
I feel refreshed inside.
You are washed away from me like the tides that come in and out so suddenly,
The vision of you is gone along with the forgotten memories,
I turn away from the warm candle flame,
I see your eyes in the shadows all around me.
I take another deep breath and shut my eyes trying to forget all the promises made that were broken apart like shattered glass.
Your breath against my neck,
The whispers in my ear,
They all slip away in the smoke that I have blown out from the burning candle in the dark.
As I lay alone in the darkness, I wonder....
Don't you know,
You've got to know,
But please don't go.

Your stare has an icy coldness that gets my attention,
It makes me shiver when I am near,
With every quiver you pull me closer,
We become one,
I am the one you hold onto now.
When I am with you,
I am no longer cold.

Love fades in,
Love fades out.
But all that remains is the pounding rain inside my head.

Let it all fade away.
All I need is for you not to stay.
Not stay, and say that everything will be okay.

Everything fades with time including the memory of you.
I am forgetting everything that's happened in the past.
I will be free, at ease,
At last.

I am leaving the old and looking forward to things all new and pure.
It is the only cure.
I am letting all my painful aching feelings leave me,
I am starting new, by forgetting you.
Maybe then I will get over you once and for all.
No looking back.

I look at you and I see nothing.
I want a kiss that is finally true.
I no longer need you or the memory of you to comfort me in the time of need.
It all fades away, I wish it could happen faster.

You no longer need me, as you never really did.
You only pretended to love me when the time seemed so right.
You put on quite a show when everyone else was around.
I just want you to disappear,
I need it all to just fade away.

You never cared for me and I felt it several times before.
I just denied it because I wanted it to be true.
It was only the thrill of you being mine in the beginning, which I guess you never really were.
It was just a false dream of you that was never really there.
Where the touch of one lover ends,
The chance for a new relationship and friendship with another begins.

I want a new start.
You are becoming no more than a blur of excitement which lasted only a short time.
Was it all worth it?
I begin to wonder, or just a waste of time?
Was it just another fantasy of mine that never completely came true?
A blur that fades away, that's what you are.
My confidence is broken, but only for a while.
What I see and feel now is going to be real.
It is so much better to desire sometimes, than to actually have.

I need you to know, how I want you like I do.
I am afraid if I tell you I might lose it all.
I look into your eyes as you speak to me,  they seem to taunt me so.
I watch you move and my stomach cramps and begins to ache.
I have always dreamed of someone like you,
You remind me so much of someone else I know.

You're the perfect person for me, this I know.
Your touch, just one fingertip, and it fills me up.
If only I could touch your face and kiss your lips,
I have laid awake in my bed at night just dreaming of this.

If only you'd give me a chance to be more than just a friend,
You are my missing piece.
I know it got weird when we tried to be more than friends.
Maybe there was too much pressure from everyone else who knew us,
To do the right thing.
Can we try again?
We stopped talking for weeks at a time,
Things just weren't the same without you around.

As a friend, and maybe nothing more,
I am so comfortable with you,
I feel I could tell you anything and you would listen.
You really care, and you are always there.
I have told you so much already, more than any other guy that I've known for just one year.
You have a kind heart, a warm smile, with every "Hi" in the hall as you pass me.

I hear someone say your name and it burns in my heart.
I love talking and sharing with you.
We have stayed up many nights just talking about nothing at all.
It has been so nice.
You make me feel at ease, and we have so much in common.
We are alike in so many ways;  I have stopped counting when I ran out of fingers.
You, like no one else I know has the same disturbed sense of humor and we always seem to laugh at the same kinds of things.
We like all the same old classic movies, and have the same music taste.
Before meeting you, I thought I was the only one who still listened to Price, and belted out the lyrics to all his well- knowns.
We have so much to talk about, I feel that we could go on for days.

When will you let me know, if I am the one?
I know we are too good of friends to ruin it all.
But haven't you ever thought about it, or wanted it too?
It's too much like a game with you because you don't know what you want.
I will let you know I want to walk with you, hand in hand,
If you asked me to marry you, I definitely would.
I want to tell you things I've told no one else because the sound of your voice comforts me.
I've pictured us together someday.

I wished that day would come sooner as I know it will never be.
We've had some good times together anyway, that I will never ever forget.
I just think of the memories we could have if we could be even more.
Is that possible? I don't know?  Or would it change it all?

You leave me and your scent lingers behind,
I breathe it in and picture you making me laugh, as only you know how to do.
If I ever needed to find you I can always trace your path and where you've been down the hall.
I just follow the warm Polo scent, which you leave everywhere you go.

I want to be more than a friend to you.
But time and again you leave me for the desire of another girl.
I wait patiently for your return for I know it won't last long.
Days pass and I see you with another, you seem happy, and I guess I'm glad.

Then the day comes when there's a knock at my door,
I open it to see you standing there to say again that it was over, and that things didn't work out.
You always seem to come back to me after something with another girl went sour.
I don't know if you have just come to talk about it, or to say that it was over, will you be my second choice?
I realized it time after time that I always come in second with you after something with a girl had gone terribly wrong.
Did you beg for my forgiveness?  Or just wait for me to say, "I told you so."
I don't really know?

You are the nicest guy I think I have ever met.
Maybe you are too nice and that is what attracts me to you time after time.
Maybe you are too real and too close to me.
You are too good of a person to happen to me.
And finally I realized it by the end of the year, you would never happen to me.
You would always pick and desire another girl and that's not me.

I am glad I've gotten to know you like I have,
In just one short year, you became one of my best friends.
I wouldn't have made it through my first year of college without you.
You are a special guy to me, and always will be.
I'll never forget you no matter what happens in the future and what you think of me.
I think of you often and it always makes me smile.
You always knew just what to say to get me to laugh.
I just wonder what you are doing now, at this very second, while I am thinking of you.

I guess there comes a time when I would have rather had your friendship as a friend and nothing more.
Than not to have you in my life at all.
You mean a lot to me, more than you will ever know.
I couldn't stand losing you.
That's maybe why we've both decided in our own minds just to stay friends and not more.
You don't have to say anything,
I believe that we share a special bond that will never be broken or forgotten.
No matter what happens next,
I will never forget you "Fannie"
And all the times we shared.

The touch of your hand startles me.
Your voice calling my name out seemed so loud in the darkness all around.
Where am I?  Where did everyone go?
I'm I the only one still here?
I feel so dizzy, tired, and weak.

The heat of your body so close, it mesmerizes.
The smell of sweet, sweaty skin, it warms me.
Your eyes are raging with desire like no other I've ever seen.
Our lips tremble as they meet.
What are you doing?
I can't help but keep thinking.
The sweet taste of your lips is suddenly locked with mine.
Your hands grab my face as you pull me in closer.
I am unsure and unaware of what is to come next...
The sparkle in your eyes was showing your strong intensity that was so deep.

The force of your body on top of me so suddenly.
The tongue comes all to quick.
The softness in your voice, it was entrancing me,
Pulling me in.

You were telling me things every girl loves to hear.
Where is everyone?  I look around wondering....
I just need to tell you something.
Tell you to stop.
I couldn't say anything.
I tried to speak, but there was no voice to be found.
Stop!

Your touch I've never felt before.
Not like this.
I am there, but not how I should be.
I felt so drunk, so weak.
This is something I've never had before.
But it is not how I would like it to be.
I just want you to stop!

You press on.
The force of you is stronger than before.
You continue.
I look into your eyes for some sign of comfort.
There is none.
You seemed so far away, and didn't even look at me.
It seems you aren't the person that I know.
You aren't the friend that I've known for so many years.
I realize that you don't care for me, not in this way.
I 'm confused, and you used me only because I was there.
I begin to wonder how long can this go on?

I pull away and you pull me back.
I push you away, but you just don't stop.
You only try to kiss me harder.
Can't you see that I am not enjoying this?
I pull you off telling you once more in desperation to please stop.

Our heavy breathing trails off in the cool darkness of the room that was such hot, uncomfortable, forced passion a short time ago.
I push you away one final time saying, "No more!"
I look around to find someone to tell.
There is no one anywhere.

Both of us back away stunned, realizing the shameful act of what just happened.
Not really knowing the effects that will come in the future and how our friendship got lost.
You leave me laying on the floor.
I lay awake trying to make sense of it all.
What happened to the person I thought I knew?
I felt so ***** and used.
I fall fast asleep, curled in a ball.

I wake in the morning hoping to find that it was all but a bad dream.
Like it didn't even happen,  I don't want to believe.
But it did happen and I will never forgive.
I will never look at you the same.
I didn't like how you made me feel.
Now I just look at you trying to remember how those events came about that night.
I don't even remember.
I just feel your tongue in my mouth.
I feel your kiss which started out soft and sweet,
How I wanted them to stay that way, which they did not.

I try and block it all out,
But I see you again and again, everyday in the halls.
The worst part is that you act just the same, like nothing even happened at all,
That you are my same old friend.
I can never trust you again,
I feel you are no longer even a friend.
What happened?
It was a big mistake.

All I see when I look at you now is a split second in my mind of you kissing so hard,
Holding me down and forcing yourself on top of me.
How could you do this to me?
You were my friend,
Now not even that because you don't seem the same.
Our friendship got lost because of your reckless actions.

Now I know who you really are.
I saw you in a different light that night,
A light most people don't get to see from you.
I saw your light, that turned into your darkness.
There will be no more.
I can't take the feeling.
The feeling which seemed so nice at first, only for it to take the opposite direction with no warning,
And left without a reason.
I feel used and confused by you,
How can you pretend to be someone different to everyone else.
I've seen the real you, I've seen the darkness in you.

It's for the best that we didn't go farther, or do more than we did,
I regret enough already.
I think you destroyed our relationship because of this.
Still a vision brings me back sometimes...
I see your intense eyes, that didn't seem like you on that night,
I see your darkened face looking down upon me and the sweaty flesh smell that filled me within',
Farther than we it seems, because everyday I try to forget.
All becomes a bad memory on the hot August night which ended for the best.

Though a love is lost in your mind and becomes forgotten,
It is felt and remains a piece of your heart forever.

I knew it,
The moment I saw you.
I knew,
I knew I was in love with my one and only,
My soon to be very best friend.
How can I forget the way your eyes sparkled and gleamed so bright,
They were shining blue as they met mine across the room.
A smile that spread across your face and a small nod with your head letting me know you saw me too.
At that moment you knew I was some day going to be yours,
I knew you were going to be mine.
Your eyes spoke to me without saying a word,
Everyone else in the room seemed to blur and the sound of voices faded,
Your contagious laugh and sense of humor got my attention right away and I wanted to get to know you more.
We came together one night standing in the middle of the road.
It seemed we stood forever with the moonlight shining down upon us,
We were not saying anything, but breathing heavy in the cold night air.
You grabbed me,
The kiss that began it all, took me by surprise.
After so many tries and too many doubts,
It was finally turning out,
Who would have thought that it all started with a glance,
A moment in time across a crowded room.

You think it's over,
That you will never love again like you once did.
Than you see something or someone and it sparks a memory, a moment, a smell, or a place in the back of your mind.
You smile and realize,
As your heart beats a little faster,
The love you once knew and had,
Will remain with you always.

I found everything I've ever needed in you.
I hope you know I love you still and always will.
I can't find the right words to explain to you.
I never expected this...
How I've fallen so in love with you!

It's better than it's ever been before.
She believed everyone could be free.
She pictured in her mind all the places she wanted to be.
This place was worn out and dragging her down.
That is when she knew where she belonged.
Out on her own, where she knew she could be free.

All she needed to take with her was all she learned before.
The past and all things familiar,
She moved along, and then she moved on.

Slipping away in the night, before they knew she was gone.
At last, she was free from their words, at last.
So long Baby. Goodbye Little One.
The world is yours, give what you can, take what you need.

She thought, it's better than it's ever been before.
She looks hopeful out a motel window as the rain begins to pour.
On my own, things will be so much better.
She is all alone now, far from all their wise words.
What does the future hold?
She searches through her mind and watches the cold rain fall as the traffic roars.
On this busy night she searches for something familiar, but all is lost and left behind.
Nothing is comforting like it had been before.

She is in this place and knows she is afraid.
Afraid to be all alone.
But she finally feels so free.
She searches for answers, wanting to know so much more.
She pictures all the places she's been and gone to, but after all that time it means nothing at all.
But isn't it better than it's been before?
Where does she belong?

She knows it is not here.
She is not free, like she thought she would be.
She smiles to herself and packs up her few things,
She travels back along the path from where she came before.
Old familiar places and old familiar smiling faces greet her at the door.
Her old familiar ways and things that used to be meet her again in a short time.

She quietly slips in through the backdoor before they even notice her.
This is where she belongs, this is where she is free, and promises never to leave.

I arrived in August 1995,
Excited to finally be at college, a dream that I have always had.
Yet, I was so unsure about myself and what the year would bring.
It was so scary and so exciting at the same time.
I finally felt like I was growing up and ready for a new adventure in my life to begin.

I left close friends who I had always known,
I left family and loved ones so far behind.
I was alone for the first time in my life and scared to be on my own.
In a big place, not like my own small town,
I was in a place for once where I didn't know anyone.

That all changed when I met my first and best roommate, Jenny.
We soon became fast friends and did everything together.
It was as though I had know her before, or perhaps my entire life.
We shared so much throughout the year.
I could tell her anything.
We would lay in our bunks each night just talking in the dark.
We laughed, we cried, we went through it all,
We were there for each other, each step of the way.

All the responsibility in the world was on my shoulders.
Could I handle the pressure, stress, and chaos I had heard so much about from others?
This was it.
I was finally here,  I was being myself and deciding who I wanted to be.
This was only the beginning, but I knew it would be the best year of my life.

Time passed and I saw familiar faces in the hall,
After a short time everyone would pass by our room,
Just saying, "Hello." or "What are you doing tonight?"
It seemed like someone was always stopping and talking as we got to know each other,
I made memories with my new found friends.
Soon they didn't seem like new friends, but old friends I'd always known.
We shared fun times on the hall that will never be forgotten.
The best year of my life.

I was no longer all alone, but got to know all the familiar faces down the hall.
We suddenly became very close almost like family.
The friends made during my first year on the greatest hall in Harrison, the second floor,
Will always be a big part of me.

We got yelled at by others for taking the elevator to the second floor.
We just laughed and smiled as we walked out the door.
We thought it was funny and liked to drive the rest of the residents crazy.
Some exciting drama was always happening in the dining hall.
It was a time to catch up on the latest gossip from the night before,
To find out where the best party of the week was, or to copy someone's homework for a class that I forgot to do.
It was a good time to get together with friends, or finally talk to a guy we would follow for days or weeks just trying to get enough courage to speak.

The memories made during the best year of my life will always be with me.
I laughed a lot,
I cried a lot,
I stayed up too late, I drank too much,
I got little sleep and I survived.
At times it was the hardest year of my life, but it was a fun one that will always be a part of me.
I won't forget any of the friends I made and all the crazy pranks Jenny and I played on the boys down and across the hall.

Now it's the end and I must say goodbye.
It's hard to believe the year is over and it went so fast.
What a year it has been!
So, goodbye to friends and memories made that will be in my heart forever.
We shared a lot and what seemed to be so scary at first,
Turned out to be the best year ever.
Until next year, when we pass each other going to class instead of in the hall.
But as for the second floor in Harrison there will be no more.
Goodbye, it has been fun, and it has been an unforgettable time.

May 1996

There are so many changes that are going to come.
I want a perfect soul,
I want to do the right thing.
I feel so alive now, and I don't want this feeling to end.

You are just a small part of me,
Sometimes it is only a dream.
No one knows what is coming this way.
Just hold on.
Hold on to anything.

Hold onto anything that means something to you,
Hold onto me and everything else will disappear beneath.

"You're not a little child anymore,"  you say.
Things are going to change.
It is time for you to change.
"You run along now and be a good little girl," you shout out from behind me.

I've fallen and I can't get back up again.
I've fallen out of love with you and I can't get that back anymore.
"Keep up," as you pass me by, leaving me so far behind.
I will not give in,
I will not quit, I tell myself.

But I've fallen down so many times and skinned my knees countless times.
It hurts so much to get up and keep going, keep moving,
Keep trying.
I believe all is gone, and all is lost.
I look down and see all the red blood.
So much blood on my knees.
Someone help me please.

You ran circles around me and still don't stop to help.
So much sting, so much blood.
I fall to my knees and the pain doubles up inside of me.
I scream at the sky, asking "Why?"
I crawl along the ground, screaming a name,
Someone's name, anybody's name.

My fingernails become blackened with the soil that I've clawed at trying to take away the ache.
The painful ache that won't leave me.
My ****** knees, and my tear-streaked cheeks,
My fingers are so black from the moist dirt I used to ease my pain.

I look to the sky for a sign.
The clouds roll in suddenly, and it starts to rain.

On my blood stained jeans the drops begin to fall.
I blink away my tears, hoping it is all but a dream.
I'm soaked before I can even open my eyes again.
The pain is dulled with the wetness of the rain.
All I can do is cry the tears that soak more than the pouring rain.
My heart is empty and all that matters is how I wish you were here by my side.
I don't want things to change.

You are not here, but maybe someday you'll see,
I promise I'll stay away, and not even the raindrops that cover me,
Can fill up my empty, aching heart.

The snow covers the ground,
Winter is here and long overdue,
The trees are covered and rest quietly underneath,
The winter is death to many.

The snow is everywhere around,
Everything seems so subdue,
But things I can't see are lively beneath,
Winter is the real enemy.